AIBU to expect my other half to take better care of our kitchen

ChocolateDigestiv · 2025-02-20T22:49:37+00:00

We are a family of 5, me 38, OH 38, DDs 11,4 and 3. Our jobs are split that I take care of the washing, OH takes care of dishes and bins. Everything else we do together but I do take on the majority, I do the majority of the gardening, sorting bedrooms out, sorting wardrobe changes out, packing stuff away into storage, getting it out, I sort out majority of Christmases, birthdays. We both work full time. I also do all nursery runs. Grandparents do school run so OH does none of this. I do all the food shops, sort out all the bills which OH pays 50% of, I front all the big purchases. I've sorted out 90% of all aspects of childcare, including majority of days at home with children, had a huge effect on my career as I've had my first ever bad year end review with my time off and focus being mentioned as an issue, it's fair, I'm constantly picking up on the sick days and the mental workload of our family. I also pick up ALL of the extra costs, yes I get the child benefit but this barely covers the extras I pick up. He's bought nothing, not a bottle, packet of wipes, blanket, toy, baby grow, cardigan, honestly nothing for the new baby whatsoever. I've asked for support in at least selecting this, emg. Asked them to look into bottles, formula etc, which I would have bought, he didnt... Sorry, I'm now ranting... I've had to take my maternity leave early as I've been exhausted, not coping with my two jobs, I also have little support on weekends from OH as they have work and a hobby. Due to my work he is sometimes left putting one of the younger ones to bed on his own, very rarely both of them if dinner has run late. Today I've had all three at home with me for the first time as older one also on school holidays. It's been lovely, I'm definitely a "rather be a full-time parent" than a careerperson, but also been challenging, particular as 4yo is having behavioural issues requiring near constant monitoring. I've still done washing, made dinner with 11yo (their request btw!), organised activities to keep little ones occupied, been out food shopping with them. OH has walked in to a side full of dishes, definitely relevant that there was already easily a sink full of dishes before OH went to work, the sides are very rarely completely cleared and even wiped by him and it is a bug bear of mine I admit. I have on multiple occasions suggested they empty the dishwasher before leaving for work so I can load into it to make it easier as dishes wouldn't build up. Position of the dishwasher makes it impossible for me to do this due to height and now even more so due to bump. They've not ever done this, his choice. Today I couldn't even scrape plates as both bins were full. In hindsight I absolutely could have emptied the bins and made this a bit easier for us both, I just didn't even think, I wasn't being stubborn, was focusing on our three children. OH walks in making comments under breath about the amount of dishes then comes out with all time regular comment of "I'm not even here generating the dishes" along with "everyone should be tidying up after themselves". Another fairly recent addition about the fact that I have 8 hours extra a day now that I'm on maternity leave... OH even suggested I look at the dishes on the kitchen side to see for my self that barely any are theirs... I feel really peed off. I said that I don't generate all the washing but I still do it as I'm a parent in this household and why regularly mention that they're not generating all of the dishes like they don't think they should contribute to cleaning up after their 3 children. OH said everyone should be clearing up after themselves - if I can't reach the dishwasher safely our 3 children definitely can't. OH actually means I should be doing it. Kitchen is by far the easiest of the two jobs - we both know this. More of a complete rant about feeling completely unappreciated but for completeness AIBU to think that a grown adult should realise that they have to pick up some kind of share of household duties in clearing up after their kids and not view it as it's not their own personal mess?

soarklyknobs · 21/02/2025 13:11

So if he goes away with work and "the lads" 🙄 and on stage dos; do you go away often too?

How does he cope when you're not there? Do you come home to mess or a clean and tidy home?

Or, let me guess, you don't get to go on holidays without your DC.

DelphiniumBlue · 21/02/2025 10:05

Actions speak louder than words. Stop doing his laundry or covering his back in terms of organisation. Get a cleaner/ mother’s help. Start training the DC to be more independent. Don’t do a physical shop, order it online to be delivered at a time that he is in. Take yourself off to bed for regular naps, you are pregnant!
If you keep saying that you can’t cope, but then do cope, he’s going to take advantage of that. So stop coping with everything and build in some time for yourself,book in yoga or something a few times a week.
He doesn’t sound very nice or caring tbh, so you’ll have to be nice to yourself.

Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 09:59

soarklyknobs · 21/02/2025 08:40

You're the nanny with the fanny, but you also have a full time job and contribute financially as well.

I can see why he wants you around, but why do you want him?

You say this pregnancy was a surprise, has he not got the snip after 4 DC that he's not interested in caring for (& washing up and creating a clean and hygienic environment for your DC to live in is very much a part of parenting)?

Is he trying to keep you at home continuously pregnant and raising his DC so he doesn't have to? Whilst also expecting you to bring in an income from working?

The snip is coming! He didn't want it and thought he could be careful, I've always said to him I wanted more so wouldn't be trying to prevent it. There's been no "foul play" if you like on my side. Also due to my own medical issues I'm not allowed anything hormonal.

He's been away on various training courses, stags abroad and lads holidays and I never struggle with keeping a nice home when he's not here. He's not a messy person but without him here of course I do just get on with it. It feels so unfair that if I want the nice home I have to take on even more.

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Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 09:47

TagSplashMaverick · 21/02/2025 00:40

I hate it when women have fallen prey to men’s misogyny and are ashamed of being a ‘nag’. It’s a horrible, derogatory, sexist name, given to women by men. It’s bullshit. Women stating their needs over and over because they’re being ignored by the men in their lives aren’t nags. They’re being failed by the men who don’t give a shit about their them and don’t bother to listen.

I see what you mean, I never would have thought I'd become a "nag", I don't really feel like I even ask a lot of him. For the last two years I've worked longer days / hours than him and I've never in that whole time even sat down to eat a sandwich and watch TV on my "lunch". I'm exhausted.

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Maray1967 · 21/02/2025 08:53

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:36

His work don't allow him flexibility to help with school or nursery runs.
As for the rest of it, I'm not sure... His own mum was a SAHM who keeps a lovely home and think he just expected this from me whilst also working a full-time and a part-time job.

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Men like this need it spelling out. ‘You seem to think I’ll do the housework like your mum does. Reminder - your mum does not do paid work. So, if I have to wash dishes, then I will. But you will be doing your own laundry.’

And start from today. Leave his stuff in the basket. When it mounts up, put it in a bin liner and ram it in his side of the wardrobe. Stay cheerful and smiling and calm. You will be surprised at how much time not doing his laundry saves…

soarklyknobs · 21/02/2025 08:40

You're the nanny with the fanny, but you also have a full time job and contribute financially as well.

I can see why he wants you around, but why do you want him?

You say this pregnancy was a surprise, has he not got the snip after 4 DC that he's not interested in caring for (& washing up and creating a clean and hygienic environment for your DC to live in is very much a part of parenting)?

Is he trying to keep you at home continuously pregnant and raising his DC so he doesn't have to? Whilst also expecting you to bring in an income from working?

TagSplashMaverick · 21/02/2025 00:40

I hate it when women have fallen prey to men’s misogyny and are ashamed of being a ‘nag’. It’s a horrible, derogatory, sexist name, given to women by men. It’s bullshit. Women stating their needs over and over because they’re being ignored by the men in their lives aren’t nags. They’re being failed by the men who don’t give a shit about their them and don’t bother to listen.

Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 00:23

RIPVPROG · 21/02/2025 00:08

You've fallen into the trap of clinging on to potential. We've all been there, it's lovely at first and there might be a few niggly things but they're minor and he's brilliant in other ways. The thing is they tend to get worse not better, throw some kids in the mix and the little things become important and about a lack of care/respect/partnership. You stay because you remember what it was like and what you hoped it could be, but you need to make decisions based on the reality not the possibility.
If he knows that you would never separate and he doesn't support and care for you at one of the hardest times (late pregnancy with other DC to care for) , he's got absolutely no motivation to change, because he's content with things as they are and doesn't respect you enough to prioritise the impact it's having on you.
Maybe a very serious conversation, where you do raise the seriousness of how he's treating you and the possibility of a life separately, might make him realise what he's got to lose, but it might not.

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Thanks for the advice.

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RIPVPROG · 21/02/2025 00:08

ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 00:02

Yes I guess it's easy on these forums to point out the bad, the good times are still good so it's also that that makes me not want to leave him and the thought that we could go back to being as happy as were at the beginning. I fear this wouldn't be the case, I feel like I've become a nag and I'm constantly having the worst in me brought out.

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You've fallen into the trap of clinging on to potential. We've all been there, it's lovely at first and there might be a few niggly things but they're minor and he's brilliant in other ways. The thing is they tend to get worse not better, throw some kids in the mix and the little things become important and about a lack of care/respect/partnership. You stay because you remember what it was like and what you hoped it could be, but you need to make decisions based on the reality not the possibility.
If he knows that you would never separate and he doesn't support and care for you at one of the hardest times (late pregnancy with other DC to care for) , he's got absolutely no motivation to change, because he's content with things as they are and doesn't respect you enough to prioritise the impact it's having on you.
Maybe a very serious conversation, where you do raise the seriousness of how he's treating you and the possibility of a life separately, might make him realise what he's got to lose, but it might not.

Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 21/02/2025 00:02

RIPVPROG · 20/02/2025 23:56

He sounds like he sees it as women's work, but with respect that was clear when he got you to do the school runs for HIS daughter, long before you had children of your own. You still chose to have 3 children with him. I don't think his behaviour is acceptable but I also don't think it's likely to change at this point. He doesn't need to get your perspective because you've said you won't leave him, and at the moment he does what he likes without consequence. He's an arsehole but you enable it.

Yes I guess it's easy on these forums to point out the bad, the good times are still good so it's also that that makes me not want to leave him and the thought that we could go back to being as happy as were at the beginning. I fear this wouldn't be the case, I feel like I've become a nag and I'm constantly having the worst in me brought out.

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OldChairMan · 20/02/2025 23:58

name1234noidea · 20/02/2025 23:00

I would be annoyed coming home from work and the worktop being covered with dishes. He might still be a lazy arsehole but in this case I can see why he's annoyed.

Did he want another baby?

He impregnated his wife so he doesn't get an opt out that way,

Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:57

PregnantForNow · 20/02/2025 23:54

You know even if you split up you still co-parent. You still raise them together.

If you aren't willing to leave then I'm not sure what his incentive is to change really. His life sounds pretty sweet to me, you've made his life extremely easy. He barely lifts a finger! You've already made it obvious that the workload he's put on you is breaking you - he doesn't care enough to change to make life better for his heavily pregnant wife.

I think you need to stop doing so much for him and make him feel some pain. Hopefully that will make him appreciate how good he's had it.

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Thanks for the comment and advice.

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Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:56

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 20/02/2025 23:42

He sounds like a parasite who is really bad at arithmetic to me. How many hours does he think are magically in your day?
He wants everything all roads to suit himself and can’t even muster up a single fuck to give when you are heavily pregnant with his child and struggling.
The bloody dishwasher is the least of the issues here.

It is frustrating that he doesn't see this, there's so little time left just after prepping breakfast lunch dinner and 2 snacks and sitting down with them for breakfast and lunch. Then sitting on the floor with them whilst they're at they're table doing colouring etc doesn't feel like rest either but again 4yo needing a very close eye on him for now. Add in a good shop and sorting out two washloads, I've barely relaxed! I did have half an hour or so sat down on the sofa with a cup of tea whilst the kids were watching a film but I just love it, I love my children so much I feel privileged to have these days with them.

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RIPVPROG · 20/02/2025 23:56

He sounds like he sees it as women's work, but with respect that was clear when he got you to do the school runs for HIS daughter, long before you had children of your own. You still chose to have 3 children with him. I don't think his behaviour is acceptable but I also don't think it's likely to change at this point. He doesn't need to get your perspective because you've said you won't leave him, and at the moment he does what he likes without consequence. He's an arsehole but you enable it.

PregnantForNow · 20/02/2025 23:54

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:46

I would never separate from him, I wouldn't want to raise my children with anyone else and wouldn't even want to not see my kids for one in every other weekend. Our good times are good and sadly the bad times are incredibly bad because we argue over silly things like bloody dishes which blows up disproportionately. I should just hire someone to come and sort out the position of the dishwasher.

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You know even if you split up you still co-parent. You still raise them together.

If you aren't willing to leave then I'm not sure what his incentive is to change really. His life sounds pretty sweet to me, you've made his life extremely easy. He barely lifts a finger! You've already made it obvious that the workload he's put on you is breaking you - he doesn't care enough to change to make life better for his heavily pregnant wife.

I think you need to stop doing so much for him and make him feel some pain. Hopefully that will make him appreciate how good he's had it.

Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:50

Pallisers · 20/02/2025 23:45

You would? even if your partner was pregnant, minding 3 children including a 3 year old and was off work for stress/sick??? you'd be a bit of an arse wouldn't you in that case?

OP, stop doing his laundry - after all everyone should be looking after themselves, right?

Also please please figure out how you can get back to work and back to performing well at work. You are going to need that job/career. What you just described is exactly why women on MN tell women to get married before they get pregnant and want to beat their heads against a wall when the reply is "oh we both have jobs and the house is shared" Having children disproportionately hits women's careers/jobs/bank balance. it is a fact no matter how many "well I had 5 children and am the bigger earner" stories we hear on this site. I put them with the "I got pregnant at 14 had my baby and it was the making of me I now have a phd and my own home and am a high earner"

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I said to him I wouldn't even dream of suggesting that I only need to do my own washing, it's infuriating that he isn't getting this point..

Thanks for career advice.

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Stripeyanddotty · 20/02/2025 23:49

Your poor kids, especially your 11 year old who isn’t his.

Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:46

PregnantForNow · 20/02/2025 23:24

He sounds like a dick. I'm genuinely struggling to see what value he is adding to your daily life, as surely his child maintenance would cover the 50 percent of bills he is currently paying, and he does literally nothing else.

If he did go for shared custody rather than maintenance your life would still be a million times easier. Win win.

I would never separate from him, I wouldn't want to raise my children with anyone else and wouldn't even want to not see my kids for one in every other weekend. Our good times are good and sadly the bad times are incredibly bad because we argue over silly things like bloody dishes which blows up disproportionately. I should just hire someone to come and sort out the position of the dishwasher.

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Pallisers · 20/02/2025 23:45

name1234noidea · 20/02/2025 23:00

I would be annoyed coming home from work and the worktop being covered with dishes. He might still be a lazy arsehole but in this case I can see why he's annoyed.

Did he want another baby?

You would? even if your partner was pregnant, minding 3 children including a 3 year old and was off work for stress/sick??? you'd be a bit of an arse wouldn't you in that case?

OP, stop doing his laundry - after all everyone should be looking after themselves, right?

Also please please figure out how you can get back to work and back to performing well at work. You are going to need that job/career. What you just described is exactly why women on MN tell women to get married before they get pregnant and want to beat their heads against a wall when the reply is "oh we both have jobs and the house is shared" Having children disproportionately hits women's careers/jobs/bank balance. it is a fact no matter how many "well I had 5 children and am the bigger earner" stories we hear on this site. I put them with the "I got pregnant at 14 had my baby and it was the making of me I now have a phd and my own home and am a high earner"

Aweecupofteaandabiscuit · 20/02/2025 23:42

He sounds like a parasite who is really bad at arithmetic to me. How many hours does he think are magically in your day?
He wants everything all roads to suit himself and can’t even muster up a single fuck to give when you are heavily pregnant with his child and struggling.
The bloody dishwasher is the least of the issues here.

Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:40

PregnantForNow · 20/02/2025 23:26

My apologies, you would need to empty the bins if you split up (you're already doing the dishes).

Meanwhile he would lose the primary carer for his children (including the one you've taken on as your own) and general housekeeper and life assistant.

Perhaps you should float the idea to him and see if he feels a bit more able to be an active participant in the family of 6 he has created.

I completely agree, again wasn't being stubborn, just preoccupied with everything going on. I don't know why I didn't empty the bins as it looked worse with food still being on plates from breakfast. In hindsight I should have just done a bowl of washing up it was simply time and the increased amount of monitoring that the 4yo has needed.

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Stripeyanddotty · 20/02/2025 23:37

He sounds awful.

Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:36

CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 23:20

So why are you doing a disproportionate amount of household gruntwork if you both work ft?

His work don't allow him flexibility to help with school or nursery runs.
As for the rest of it, I'm not sure... His own mum was a SAHM who keeps a lovely home and think he just expected this from me whilst also working a full-time and a part-time job.

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Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:32

name1234noidea · 20/02/2025 23:00

I would be annoyed coming home from work and the worktop being covered with dishes. He might still be a lazy arsehole but in this case I can see why he's annoyed.

Did he want another baby?

I know how he feels I worked from home before mat leave and have had to deal with a side full of dishes that he hasn't done every day...
No this was unplanned, though very, very much wanted by me and he's known this.

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Original poster

ChocolateDigestiv · 20/02/2025 23:29

TotHappy · 20/02/2025 22:58

Bloody hell. YANBU, I hate this selfishness from men. Presumably all he sees is a load of mess that he knows is his job to clear up and he doesn't want to but boo fucking hoo eh. And it doesn't even sound like it was pristine when he left this morning.
You do too much.

Honestly it never is, it's clear when we have a row over it, maybe 2 or 3 times in last 3 months, it doesn't last a day, and I resent offering to help him with this job as he has watch me reached complete burn out and not once offered to help me out on a single occasion, let alone regularly, nevertheless I want a tidy home and I will happily load into the dishwasher if it's been emptied.

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