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Original poster

To find mother’s comments so upsetting? *Content warning added my MNHQ: references miscarriage*

86 replies

Firsthingsfirst · 20/02/2025 11:53

I have two wonderful children, aged 4 and 2, I’m so proud and happy to have them in my life.

Last summer I underwent IVF with one of our remaining embryos, fell pregnant but miscarried at 7 weeks. I had an incomplete miscarriage which went on for months, finally I expressed the pregnancy tissue after taking misoprostol. I went back to the IVF clinic to try again, was told I had developed an infection. It was still there after a round of antibiotics. I couldn’t take carrying on and trying again. So we decided to appreciate what we had - two amazing children, and close the chapter for a third child.

This has always been quite upsetting, in my heart I’d love another child but I didn’t want to take more time away from enjoying my current children, being there for them, the impact on the marriage, the impact on my body, and the costs. Partner said they’d rather stop, so I felt I had no choice to push and it wasn’t right to do so.

My mother has pushed and pushed for me to keep going throughout all of this. Today she asked again if I’d have another, to which I replied my children are enough. She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late. I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff.

I’m just feeling so upset because my greatest fear is regretting closing this door and her comments really touched a nerve.

I guess I’m looking for words of reassurance and advice, and also to hear people’s own experiences, if they’ve ever stuck with one or two, before feeling done. I don’t know how to handle my mother without just shutting it down, which never really works long term

OP posts:
Youcanttakeanelephantonthebus · 20/02/2025 12:08

She doesn't respect your decision. I bet if you told her a male consultant said no more she wouldn't question it.

Fencehedge · 20/02/2025 12:07

"I will not be bullied, you will drop this subject otherwise you won't be seeing much of us"

CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 12:06

MikeRafone · 20/02/2025 12:03

child or children are always always enough - end of
if you not wanting children then that is also enough

it really is that simple

This is also true. I have one child. My MIL thinks this is not enough. I think differently.

MikeRafone · 20/02/2025 12:05

I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff

tbh she is correct - grandmothers chat shit as much as anyone else

CurtainsCurtain · 20/02/2025 12:05

She sounds monumentally tactless and interfering. However, on this, her opinion is absolutely irrelevant. If you think you made the right call, ultimately, in deciding to call a halt to the physical and emotional mindfuck that is IVF for a lot of people, then honour that. Other people, outside you and your partner, don’t get a say.

Alwaysbackandforth · 20/02/2025 12:04

Your mother's behaviour is dreadful OP.

She should be listening to you and your concerns and supporting you in your decisions.

She should not be bulldozing you into doing what she wants you to do.

I'm older now but fwiw my first son died at 3 weeks old. My second son was born 12 years after that as a result of fertility treatment. I would have loved to have had another child when he was young but I never did. But I am so grateful to have my wonderful, now adult, son.

I think you are right to enjoy the children you have and appreciate them.

SillySeal · 20/02/2025 12:04

I can't offer advice but I didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry you have been though all that. It must have been so hard and you've made a brave decision.

I think if you have peace with that decision, your mum was quite rude to say 2 isn't enough. It isn't about what your mum wants it's about what is right for you. Does she have a lot of children herself?

I did want 3 children but stuck at 2 due to finances. It took a while to accept and every so often I do still think what if but ultimately I don't regret my choice as it was right for us at the time.

HH4432 · 20/02/2025 12:04

I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff

Sounds like she is proud to be a hurtful, thankless cow. What a sad woman.

MikeRafone · 20/02/2025 12:03

child or children are always always enough - end of
if you not wanting children then that is also enough

it really is that simple

TemporaryPosition · 20/02/2025 12:03

That's awful of your mum to say. To privately think, that's her own business. But to say it to you knowing the challenges you face is so obviously going to be hurtful. Did you tell her this?

Azandme · 20/02/2025 12:00

I could only have the one, and I desperately wanted two. Still do if I'm honest, but I'm 46, riddled with Endo, and don't ovulate due to PCOS, so I've mostly come to terms with it.

You have two beautiful children - you are blessed. I have one beautiful child and I am blessed.

You will be able to do more with two than three, have more individual time for them, and they will always have a friend.

My dd's dad was one of three, he always said if we had three we'd have to have four because one always gets left out.

Your children can always get a one on one hug with a parent even if the other is having one too. Two laps for two children.

Enjoy your family - and ignore your mum.

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