To find mother’s comments so upsetting? *Content warning added my MNHQ: references miscarriage*

She said they’re not enough, two isn’t enough and I’ll regret this when I’m older and it’s too late

What a wicked thing to say. Awful. Your mother is vile.

As a mother and grandmother I know my role is to support my DC when they have to make difficult life decisions. I can ask them how they feel about those decisions, even discuss how they came to make them, but (unless monumentally unsafe) it's not my place to tell them they're wrong. You and your DH would have to both be committed to try for another baby and neither of you are sure that is best for your family. I would be sorely tempted to tell your mother that she.learns to be supportive and respectful or she won't be seeing much of her "not enough" DGC.

Wow, this could be me writing this. Totally agree with everything @Azandme says

Fuck me your mother is awful to say those things! Said by no one who has ever been through IVF. We have only one as it took 10years and any comments like that would have been the end of the relationship.

Three was her choice; it was her body. You and your DH have decided to stop at two. You don’t have to justify why. We all have different reasons why we stopped at our “number”. My mum had six—so what? It doesn’t give her the right to tell me that I should have six too!

Your mum is way out of line here. It's no one else's business if people even have children in the first place, let alone what number of children they have. It's crazy that some people are so self centered that they think a. The choices they made are the right choices for everyone, and b. If you don't make the some choices you are somehow criticising their choices. Absolutely batshit.

And by her logic, her forth and fifth children weren't born either and are not happy with her about it!

Please don't let your mums fuckwittery make you feel guilty. You're making the right choice for your body (I can't believe she wants you to take the risk again after what happened last time) your family and your marriage

Again, projecting. Tell her to move forward with haste.

She realises that you are a person right? with a different life...

I’m really hope I’ve misread this but are you saying “be happy with what you’ve got because the next one might be disabled…”. I really hope that isn’t what I just read.

She'd have been jolly pissed off if I'd been her daughter....despite 5 rounds of IVF, I couldn't even produce one.

I'm so sorry that people who should be supporting you are saying this awful stuff. You know you are blessed to have two wonderful DC, cherish them and let them enrich your life. Being your mother and your DC's grandmother doesn't give this woman any right at all to say whatever she feels, block her ramblings out - they are ridiculous and not worth the air time.

She is completely out of line.

Every single time “mother you’re being cruel, stop”. Nothing else. Just that.

Is she saying this because she knows how much you have always wanted three, and is afraid you will regret closing the door, and that it is her job to encourage you out of what she sees as despondency after the mc? That isn't what true support looks like, but it may not be all about her, iyswim?

To that I'd be saying "so what?"

You weren't born because of a choice you made, you were born because of a choice SHE made, for HER life. She doesn't get to dictate what is better for you and yours just because she did it differently.

She's had her chance, her children; and she's had her say. If she brings it up again, I think you should tell her if she says something as ridiculous and hurtful as that you'll leave/put the phone down. Neither you, nor your children or husband need to be exposed to something so mean.

Wow, your mother would hate me. I am happily childfree. My mother used to have an issue with this, but I set her straight. I have been childfree since the age of 12! Tell your mother to count her blessings and also to put a sock in it.

I'm SO sorry she's been this awful to you.

I'd always wanted 3 kids. I had my first and was really ill during pregnancy. Delivered a healthy baby at 37 weeks, and 15 months later got pregnant again because I wanted 3 kids. Was even sicker second time around, delivered a healthy baby at 37 weeks, and 15 months later started talking about practicalities of childcare whilst I was pregnant and sick because, well, I wanted 3 kids.

And then I realised how difficult it would be to be pregnant and bed bound and worried about miscarriage and not being able to give my existing kids the care they needed and decided against it.

I won't lie, it took a couple of years before I stopped feeling resentful of my body and it's inability to do pregnancy easily every time I had a friend get pregnant or saw a baby.

But that wore off. The older my kids got, the more interesting and delightful they got the more I settled into life as a mother of two amazing children the less I thought about the third child I'd always wanted. My kids are young adults now, and I can genuinely say I hadn't thought about a third child for over a decade, until something in your post touched a chord with me.

The only advice I can give with dealing with your awful rude and ignorant mother is to Greyrock her. Just be really factual and keep repeating the same phrases "saying that really hurts me mum" "Not all grandmothers say things they know will hurt their children no" "If you insist on repeating things I've told you are hurtful to me I'm not going to carry on having conversations with you"

You know many years ago I had a friend who just wanted one more child, she had 3 healthy ones and she had her "one more child" and the poor boy had spina bifida when he was born.
Such a shock as there was no hint that anything was wrong during the pregnancy at all. That child changed all their lives and at that time not for the better.
I am sure today she would now say she is glad they had him, but at the time the upheaval for the entire family was awful. I too would have liked one more, but after that I decided to be glad for the healthy ones I had and not take the risk.

I know you are not in the same boat, and hopefully never will be but it was just my own personal wake up call that life can and sometimes does get worse for some people. I hope whatever you decide is right for you and your family. Your Mother had her chances in life to have as many children as she wanted to, this is your life, do it your way xx

You might well always feel a slight lingering sadness that you stopped at two, OP. And that's OK, it's an acknowledgement that if things had worked out differently, you would have loved that. It's not a bad thing to appreciate the loss, while still loving and enjoying the family you have.
I knew a much older woman when I was young who had had one child born during the Second World War, one born shortly after it, when her husband had finally come home, and who had an (illegal) abortion after getting pregnant accidentally very shortly after #2 was born. For a range of personal/financial/social reasons she knew she absolutely couldn't cope with the combination of a small child, baby, and pregnancy.
She and her husband later (once he was recovered from both physical war injuries and what would now be seen as PTSD) tried to have a third, and it didn't work out.
She was both sad she'd never had a third, and sad that she'd had an abortion, and absolutely sure that it was nevertheless the right decision at the time.

anyone can want more children but that doesn't mean any amount of child or children isn\t enough

So is a sixth child in a family required to have six DC of their own?!! Madness!

Your DM wanted 3 and could have 3 - good for her. You and DH have not found it easy and are staying at 2. Your decision - which she should not in any way try to change. She needs a very serious threat of losing access to her grandchildren. I personally wouldn’t have someone who behaves like this, cruelly demanding what they want, anywhere near my children.

Well, this is insane.

This.

And horrible uncaring grandmothers should lose their contact with their grandchildren.

Two is very much the average, so that’s demonstrably nonsense. Unless she thinks we’re all walking around bowed by regret.

What makes three enough? Why not four or five? Have you asked her?

I am so very sorry for your loss, OP. You’ve been through a lot and your mum should be supporting you, not projecting her own neuroses. I hope you’re getting lots of support elsewhere.

Find you voice and speak up loud. I’d contact her today and go straight to it. She needs to know how badly she has behaved.

This.

‘You will not see any grandchildren if you ever say this again.’

'I said that I found that quite insulting and she said she’s a grandmother and grandmothers say this stuff.'

Tell her that only horrible, uncaring and selfish grandmothers say this stuff. Kind grandmothers try not to deliberately hurt their daughters and are grateful for the grandchildren that they already have.