Children- would you do it again?

Well, look, whatever, you're entitled to your opinion, I just don't agree.

When I had my second child, I didn't become doubly dissatisfied with my choice to become a parent, or triply dissatisfied when I had a third. Rather the reverse, in fact, because the eldest transpired to be autistic and was - and still is - exceptionally hard work, whereas the second was very much easier and frankly kept me sane. Plus, these things are not black-and-white, and don't unfold evenly. Early parenthood is tough for everyone, generally speaking, and you tend to make a choice about whether or not to have a second before you've had time to develop much insight into why you're finding it all such hard work ad whether that's normal.

It sounds like you were much cleverer than me and are a vastly superior parent, wife, worker and possessor of "emotional, financial and logistical resources" though, so well done you. I muddled along as best I could, and love my children, but, with hindsight, I know I would have been happier if I had made different choices.

Nope. I could never wish mine out of existence, but realistically if I had genuinely known the exhaustion expense and stress I would not have done it.

My analogy specified that you were compelled to finish what you’d ordered. My point is — why would you order another helping of something you’d hated first time around, in the full knowledge that you couldn’t send it back and had to finish every bite?

I have one child. I am thereby definitely a parent. My life as a parent, however, is completely different to that of friends with several children. My life is even completely different to that of a friend who, after a long battle with infertility, had twins. I have more emotional, financial and logistical resources to dedicate to him while not short-changing myself and my own social or professional life, or my marriage. In fact I’ve enjoyed and am enjoying being a mother, but it’s ridiculous to think that if I weren’t, having more children I didn’t want and didn’t enjoy, wouldn’t make things far worse, for me and for all the children involved.

Sorry, I think that's a really poor analogy. You don't "order" a child and then have the option of sending it back or just not finishing it off. Once you've had a child you're a parent. You can't turn the clock back and not be one. Parent of one, parent of two, parent of three - they're all parents. If you wish that actually you had not become a parent, they basically are all the same predicament.

Yoir first point makes no sense, @BarbaricYawp. It’s as if you discovered you’ve ordered a dish you don’t like at a restaurant where you are compelled to finish what you ordered — why would you order a second of that same dish and have to chomp grimly through twice as much, because you ‘might as well’ as you’ve ruined dinner anyway? It’s ridiculous to pretend that having one child is the same as having two or more. Plus unhappy parents are damaging. Limit that damage.

Just to add that I don't understand at all the comments about "why did you have another if you found you didn't like parenthood after the first". It's not as though you can ever go back to being childless, so once you've had one, you might as well have a second or more. Either way, you're committed to parenthood for the rest of your life.

The real problem is the cultural assumption that female = maternal. I remember saying to my mum that I wasn't sure I wanted to have children and she was completely astonished (even though she didn't exactly seem to have enjoyed motherhood herself) and just brushed it aside with an airy, "Oh, you'll change your mind once they come along." So I thought it was normal to be reluctant to have children and then to find that you were wrong and loved it.

There needs to be more honesty about the fact that it's not for everyone, and about the vast spectrum between people who long to be mums and find it deeply personally fulfilling, and people who frankly could take it or leave it. Women are gaslit into thinking that the former is the "normal" position and that they should, and indeed will, transform themselves into that woman once they give birth to their own.

nope.

I’m on the fence. I have 4 who are all amazing in different ways. Current ages are 15,14,10&8. It was obviously really hard when they were young and it’s hard now, mentally more than physically but that doesn’t bother me. Having teens is so much fun! I had them young and don’t feel I missed out, I just did things the other way round, now they are getting older I’m able to do lots more for myself. I travel for work so haven’t missed out on seeing the world. But the main thing is worrying. As a parent you worry so much, they all have different things going on that you need to navigate. And also like others have said this world isn’t the kindest or nicest place to grow up in unfortunately.

Mine are my favourite people.

People go NC for all sorts of reasons, not just abuse.

No parent here knows if their beloved child will go NC when older.

Loads of threads where people contemplate going NC for ie, not getting enough childcare, not being given a house deposit or as punishment for a slight.
Feeling they were exploited by their parent posting photos on SM without their consent etc.

Most parents do their best and differently, but whether the child sees it the same way is a waiting game and whether they voice it or not.

You can have both.

I'm nc with my surviving parent due to abuse.

I did things differently.

There was a really lovely thread about teens not so long ago. Turns out lots of mnetters have fab teens and enjoy this phase, it's just not cool to be parading that fact on threads when other parents are struggling.

Mine are teens and are great company.
I think they'll be brilliant adults and hopefully, contribute really positively to society.

Mine are young adults. One of them was very difficult in the teen years but has come around now.One was fine. Luck of the draw, I guess.

Re the state of the world, yes, it's terrible and I worry. But coming from a S Asian culture my children's lives are way better than my mum's was. That said, I am not particularly keen on GC because other things in the world have changed rapidly in the last few years.

Not a chance in hell

Mine are 18 and 15, so far the teenage years have been the best yet.

Okay, I have a 17, 15 and 11 year old and I think that are amazing and the best thing in life, I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm interested in the views of those who have had teenagers!

Those with little ones MAY be in for a bit of a reality check when their kids hit teenage years!

I would definitely do it again. You lose some things from your life for a while but the losses are balanced out by what you gain. For me, life would be an empty thing without children.

Absolutely yes! I had three children - now adult even dare I say it middle-aged - as the oldest is 41. Despite the stress, financial squeeze, and just the many ups and downs of parenthood I loved having children. I enjoyed pretty much every stage. They have all grown up to be decent human beings for which I take some credit, although the genetic material was good to start with! We have two grandchildren now. I have the pleasure since my daughter and son-in-law live with us at the moment of seeing my daughter being a great mum (better than me) and also revisiting the pleasure of seeing children grow and and develop. I also believe that the experience of being a parent has helped me to grow and mature in ways that might not have happened otherwise.

I don’t regret them. And I had one in my early 20s and the second a decade later in my 30s. However I think that a huge part of the way I feel is down to the fact that I did not put my life on hold for them. My current baby is 1, eldest a teen. I go to places, meet up with friends, have somewhat of a social life and I bring them along - I think in doing that I have been fortunate to have children that can fit around areas of my life.

I agree with a PP that if it feels like your children have taken from your life and/or identity - that must be hard.

Im not surprised that many regret having children as I truly don’t believe that raising children is for the faint hearted - it’s a long game that you have to commit to.

I do wish I had more money though…

Our two sons are now adults - both lovely men.
I have PCOS and at one point was told it would be highly unlikely that I would ever have children. It took us a long time to conceive our eldest, I had to have some hormone treatment, then our younger son arrived, naturally, two years and two months later.
My first labour was dreadful and traumatic with lots of intervention over 4 days. My second labour was fast and furious but I needed an operation to repair damage caused by the birth.
I regret nothing and I am so grateful for our lovely sons.

No but I'm a lone parent and I hate it. If I knew I was going to be doing this alone then nope absolutely not. I often wish I could go back in time and not have children

Some people don't choose not to have children, so they can holiday more though.
The more family and grandchildren, the more worry there is.