Am I the problem in this?

The fact that someone cannot help something doesn’t make it any more bearable or reasonable for those around them.

The OP is currently subjecting her partner to emotional abuse. Whether she can currently control it or not, it is not fair to expect him to live with it.

If it is an ADHD linked behaviour, that doesn’t mean it can’t ever be alleviated or managed and the OP needs to take steps to do that for her own and her partner’s sake.

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is common with ADHD.

my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/24099-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-rsd

It's an ADHD/ND thing and when she's spiralling like that she doesn't have the capacity to do something nice for him or anyone else.

You get completely caught up in your own head and even though there might be something you really want to do, physically, you can't move sometimes.

I have times when I really want to just hug my partner or ask him for a hug but I can't move or speak. I can't do anything.

I might be wrong, but it sounds like an insecurity, self esteem issue. So what you are feeling might be," I'm not worthy of his love, or, I'm not lovable? "But what he's hearing from you is "you aren't loving me properly/enough?" I can see why it's frustrating for him, but equally as an anxious person I can see how exhausting it is to do this to yourself as well. I wonder if there is a positive way to shift it, when you feel yourself worrying about the relationship to maybe put that energy into doing something loving for him, rather than asking him a question and stressing him out, pushing him away?

Let's say your partner is eating a burger. You ask him if he likes burgers, it's a token gesture of making conversation, you know he likes burgers and is clearly eating one. He nods and replies that he loves burgers.

You'd believe him. You wouldn't ask, over and over again, "but do you really like burgers though?" every single day. It would be weird and irritating. It would make him avoid eating burgers to stop the conversation coming up, and then you'd start questioning why and start asking him if he doesn't like eating burgers any more.

This is what you're doing. Believe people. Work on your trust issues. Stop sabotaging your relationship for no reason. Think about how great your relationship would be and how happy you'd both be if you fixated on something else instead.

Summed up very articulately. ^

Having been the person who is always put in the "reassurer" role, it can be hard bloody work. Your capacity to sit and make sympathetic noises at the same old non-problems is soooo draining.

When you were sat there crying, and he wasn't responding. How many times in the past has he attempted to comfort you, and yet here you go again, flogging the same old dead horse? He's probably reaching the "why bother?" stage.

He probably would be 100% happy if you would stop going on with the constant hand-wringing and navel gazing.

His love and constant reassurance isn’t enough for you OP, while you are in this high state of anxiety. You can’t help but disbelieve him. But you already know that the problem is coming from you.
It’s almost as if you want to catch him out with a lie when he says he loves you 100% so that you can then blame the lie.

The fact probably is that he wants to be with you and loves you as much as ever he did, but wants you to get better so that you don’t place this extra burden on the relationship any more.

Yes, all the things you listed that he has said are believable because when you are on a downward spiral you take the relationship with you. In fact, those words that you list show you that he cares. Stop worrying that he is going off you before this cycle as you eloquently describe it yourself, deepens any further and focus instead on action to help yourself.
He and his commitment to you really isn’t the problem as you know. Pecking away at it will only make things worse.
Can you try to resolve to stop questioning him, calm your thinking and to self-help?

The onus is on you to get better OP, with as much outside support as possible. He can’t do it for you.

Instead of making a list of his words to try to prove he is lying, accept that he cares and make a list of what you can positively do to help yourself get back to reality.
Use all the responses on here as there is so much good advice already.
And also use suggestions from your therapist, doctor, family, friends. Give your doubts to them instead of your partner if you must.
If you can possibly muster the strength, busy yourself with making that list and acting on it for a good few weeks before summer comes. See how you feel then.

I know it’s hard to switch your brain around from one belief to another when your brain doesn’t want to trust, but ultimately that is the job that is facing you now.
Sending every good wish to help you along the way. Good luck OP.

You are putting him in an impossible position where nothing he can do or say will be acceptable to you.

You ask him if he’s happy with you for the 50th time and he says ‘Yes, 100%’ to try and reassure you. As a result, you think he is fine with your exhausting, obsessive behaviour and therefore you think it’s safe to keep behaving like that, and eventually it becomes intolerably suffocating for him.

You ask him if he’s happy with you for the 50th time and he says ‘Look, this is exhausting and not normal and I feel like I’m walking on eggshells, please try to stop behaving like this before it becomes intolerably suffocating’. But all you hear is ‘I am not 100% happy’ and instead of trying to deal with your behaviour you just demand more and more reassurance until it becomes intolerably suffocating for him.

He has told you how badly your behaviour is affecting him, and your response isn’t “This behaviour is obviously hurting the man I love, so what can I do to try and address it” but “He hasn’t reassured me, and that has made ME unhappy, why doesn’t he want to make me happy?”

Well the fact he has said he is 100% happy without you apart from that should tell you that you CAN come back from it - if and only if you can stop yourself from obsessively questioning him and seeking reassurance.

When you spiral you need to get some self control. You can't stop the way you feel during those moments but you CAN stop yourself freaking out and desperately questioning him...if you make the choice to. That's all it takes - making the choice to stop the actions you're taking.

In time you might learn to self soothe, reassire yourself etc and become a more secure person - that's best case scenario as then you'd freak out a lot less. However even if you can't manage that right away (it's difficult!) You can definitely take some control of your behaviours.

Groundhog Day! Yes. That was it.

I had to end a relationship with my ex partner who had BPD because it was word for word like this. It’s absolutely draining. No one wants to live like that. There’s a difference between a problem you work on v living in Groundhog Day of unwanted drama and stress. Yes it’s going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy if you don’t take steps to work on it and the therapy you’re in doesn’t seem to be helping.

Of course he is exhausted.

He is trying to reassure you. To make it clear that he does love you. But also that will only go so far and in reality your need for constant reassurance and questioning him is going to destroy the relationship. My ex was like this. I did love him. And it would have lasted forever but there was only so many times I could deal with his relentless neediness. It was exhausting. And ruining not only us as a couple but also me as a person. I went from being so happy loving him to dreading coming home because I never knew if I was going to get the man I loved or this needy mess.

You know what you’re doing.

Same!

It was wonderful for me. Changed my life.

Can't add anything, MN is full of wise Buddha's who have worded things so much better than me

When I spoke to an NHS MH nurse/therapist recently they acknowledge that they now understand that talking therapies/CBT/DBT etc really don’t work that well with ND people. EMDR is definitely one of the therapies I’ve seen suggested as being more effective, so there are definitely ‘better’ and alternative approaches out there. OP needs to find a specialist who has experience of working with ADHD to get the best possible outcome, I think?

This says it perfectly.

It sounds as though he loves you but is getting to the end of his tether of having the same (non-existent) issues over and over. I know it’s not your fault and you say you’re in therapy and working on things, but it does sound extremely mentally draining for your partner.

You should try some EMDR therapy. I've have ADHD and talking therapies don't work for me. Have you experienced trauma in your life?

Can people stop suggesting personality disorders to the OP?

This is what ADHD can look like and she has a diagnosis of this. Armchair diagnoses of something else isn't going to be helpful or constructive.

Kindness is a virtue.

It is but sometimes people need it spelling out to them really clearly for it to cut through the noise in their own head and actually hear it.

@TheAvidLemonSheep this sounds so awful for everyone involved. Why are you fixated on him being 100% happy? What is happiness? Is anyone 100% happy? Is 90% ok? He’s right you need to think about you. Are you happy? Is he able to support you in the way you need?

also you need to go back to therapy, try and different type and keep trying. Your anxiety is an explanation not an excuse. Good luck.

@TheAvidLemonSheep I agree with @TheQuietestSpace, if you already have an ADHD diagnosis then this sounds like Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, a not uncommon ADHD element; extreme sensitivity to criticism or apparent rejection. It’s the reason why many women have been given a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotionally Unstable PD that is not appropriate. I don’t know what sort of therapy you are having but they really need to be very well versed in ADHD and structured in their approach. Are you having general counselling or therapy and do you have a choice to find specialist help?

Not going to vote on this - but unmanaged and unsupported ADHD leads to low self esteem, which is the core of your issues with your partner and underpins your self-sabotaging of relationships. Hypervigilence, anxiety and overthinking are all typical of ADHD. Many medications prescribed for anxiety, for example, do not work well on ND brains and, in fact, make things worse.

We are a family of ND (autism and ADHD) people so manage this every day, but my eldest DD has had significant issues until finally getting to speak to a GP who’s specialism was MH issues and was trained in ND issues. The right anxiety meds were, frankly, a revelation after years of shitty side effects and getting worse which only made DD’s self esteem plummet even further. We also changed her ADHD meds in response to wonderful support from a specialist ADHD parenting forum - for a medication we have never been offered (Lisdexamfetamine) having got no where with uk equivalents of ritalin and aderal and everything in between.

We also found a counsellor/therapist with decades of experience in working exclusively with ADHD people (through her ASD/ADHD clinic). His impact in helping DD reframe her issues, working on self esteem etc and having a safe space to share her fears about not feeling loved has been incredible.

My advice?

Visit your GP and using the right to choose scheme you can insist upon a referral to a psychiatric team and to get counselling. If the wait time is too much and you and DP can scrape together the money then consider fining a private clinic where you can speak to a psychiatrist about medications and where you can find an ADHD specialist therapist (Oxford ADHD and Berkshire Psychology are two clinics down south - they may be able to sign post you to a clinic near you?).

Having an ADHD diagnosis is great and all, but you need specialist support to help you find the best strategies to manage it and help with rebuilding your self-esteem. You can do it with the right team.

As to those saying kindness is a virtue - yes it is, as is empathy but you can be too kind and that can be unhelpful.

I reccommend Paul Bloom's 'Against Empathy - the case for rational compassion'

It's tough for you, it's tough for him.

It's tough out there for all of us at the moment. I'm not surprised people are struggling with life at the moment.

Maybe you need to accept that some stuff is going to be difficult for a while. Keep going with the therapy, get some solid daily habits going to root yourself - a daily routine might help you.

Focus on helping yourself and try to reduce the demands you are placing on him.