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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want to publicly shame him?

68 replies

BaMamma · 19/02/2025 23:02

My now ex and I separated a little over 3 years ago and divorced at the end of 2022. It was all deeply unpleasant and expensive for me as he didn't hire a lawyer. Since then, we have had very limited contact, and he has virtually no contact with our daughter.

As part of the divorce, I had the choice of buying him out or selling and splitting the proceeds. As we'd moved from North London to the West Coast, we only had a small Home Equity Loan. In the terms of the divorce, if I bought him out, I'd have to take on that loan, but if we sold it came out of the equity first before other disbursements (eg before his or my share, so we split that debt).

So, I sold the house in December and have bought a nice little place for me and my daughter, with a hefty mortgage.

Tomorrow is our daughter's birthday and today he emailed me to say he thought he wasn't supposed to pay half the Equity Loan, and he's talked to a lawyer about it.

I mean bad enough to be querying the settlement agreement 2 years later, but the day before our daughter's birthday??? Oh, and he's barely acknowledged Christmas or her birthday since we split. At Christmas he sent her what he thought was a funny card with Happy Birthday crossed out and Merry Christmas scrawled over it.

But I'd still be unreasonable to call him out for it on FB, wouldn't I? He blocked me for a while, then unblocked me in a fit of weird pleasantness. We're not friends on FB, but we still have plenty of mutuals, including a lot of my family members.

YABU - don't call him out publicly, it's childish
YANBU - call him out, the utter chiseling bastard!

OP posts:
Original poster
BaMamma · 20/02/2025 02:17

Thanks to all of you. It really helped to have confirmation of his assholery.
It’s so tempting because I want my family to see him for what he is, but I guess it’s a long game.

OP posts:
steff13 · 20/02/2025 01:35

You're not unreasonable to want to do it. You would be unreasonable to actually do it.

AngelicKaty · 20/02/2025 01:13

@BaMamma I'm agreement with everyone else OP. You have the moral high ground - stay there and don't lower yourself to his level. You already have your victory - the reminder that there was a really good reason you parted company with this fuckwit. Celebrate! (And give him the silent treatment. 😉 )

Sparsely · 20/02/2025 00:30

If he didn't pay for a lawyer for his divorce,he hasn't paid for one now. He's obviously strapped for cash or he'd just be moving on.

Why would he message you directly rather than sending a letter through his lawyer if he was seriously pursuing this?

He probably chatted to a lawyer at a party , told them a load of half truths and got the answer he wanted to hear.

In the unlikely event that the lawyer gets the papers, he will get told it's a hopeless case and hopefully get a big bill for his troubles.

Original poster
BaMamma · 20/02/2025 00:27

Meadowfinch · 19/02/2025 23:47

Don't lower yourself to his level. He's not worth the bother, just ignore him.

He's a cheap spineless p.o.s. and you are well rid of him, but you can leave it to your solicitor to tell him he's wrong, and he has to pay off his half of the loan.

It's all done and dusted, he wants a do over because he didn't get what he wanted, 2 months after the fact!

OP posts:
Beastiesandthebeauty · 20/02/2025 00:22

Live in your peace ! Being the best parent you can be often means keeping a silent stance. Get ready for your and your girls big day tomorrow! Chances are hws doing it to be a twatend anyway

Plest · 20/02/2025 00:20

You absolutely must completely ignore this message. Don't reply, don't put it publicly. Don't do anything.

commonsense61 · 20/02/2025 00:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

LadyGAgain · 20/02/2025 00:17

rivalsbinge · 19/02/2025 23:24

Silence is your power here.

This.

JennyTals · 20/02/2025 00:17

Don't do it op, you'll make yourself look bad, rise above lovely rise above

Moonlightstars · 20/02/2025 00:13

Grey rock.
That is all.
It is very powerful when you do it.
Cut him out of your thoughts.
He is not worth the energy.
Instead spend it on you and your beautiful child and the new life you have. ☀️

Londonismyjam · 20/02/2025 00:06

TennisToday · 19/02/2025 23:50

I saw a great thread on here with someone who would just respond to their exs madness with ‘ok let me know when’ or something to that effect.

Do not social media shame him, do not give him this power. Grey rock.!!!

Good idea. I think the previous poster used, ‘Let me know how that goes’.
Rinse and repeat.

Mnetcurious · 20/02/2025 00:00

You may be in the right but airing your dirty laundry in public (ie calling him out on fb) looks pretty desperate and tacky. It also makes it look
like you’re not over him because people who have genuinely moved on don’t do things like that. Be the bigger, classier person.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 19/02/2025 23:58

TennisToday · 19/02/2025 23:50

I saw a great thread on here with someone who would just respond to their exs madness with ‘ok let me know when’ or something to that effect.

Do not social media shame him, do not give him this power. Grey rock.!!!

I just had to do a similar thing. It works so well.

SheridansPortSalut · 19/02/2025 23:57

Don't credit him with a response.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 19/02/2025 23:55

I mean the likelihood he's personality disordered is high here. So the reaction to a public FB post will be bad and just lead to greater stress and anxiety.

I have personality disordered fuckers in my life. Completely ignoring any baiting behaviour and replying as if they didn't even speak with absolute calm is the way here. It's sooo difficult to do. Your emotions are so strong here understandably. They will play on that, they like it, they feed on it like parasitic arse worms.

Time is the only thing that leads to exposure. And he will be. He'll expose himself in the end.

TennisToday · 19/02/2025 23:50

I saw a great thread on here with someone who would just respond to their exs madness with ‘ok let me know when’ or something to that effect.

Do not social media shame him, do not give him this power. Grey rock.!!!

Enough4me · 19/02/2025 23:48

As you have your daughter to think of and hold the upper ground, keep on that path. True revenge is being the bigger person, following your priorities and morals and not stooping to the other person's level (they know you aren't like them then).
I think you know that and that's why you stopped and vented on here.
He truly is a sh1thead!

Meadowfinch · 19/02/2025 23:47

Don't lower yourself to his level. He's not worth the bother, just ignore him.

He's a cheap spineless p.o.s. and you are well rid of him, but you can leave it to your solicitor to tell him he's wrong, and he has to pay off his half of the loan.

mummytalking · 19/02/2025 23:45

No, don't, it looks childish and you have a kid to consider.

Toooldtorave · 19/02/2025 23:43

As much as I love a bit of fb shaming - when it’s valid and the party being shamed is usually a patronising pretentious nob, I agree with PP that you might regret it. But I’d wait until he’s had it confirmed to him (until the judge/court has had a good laugh in his face) and then I’d not keep it buttoned. I’d probably drop it into casual conversation with by besties.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/02/2025 23:42

If anyone asked I would not lie to make him look reasonable. I'd say you can make it fairly plain and spread it around without an explicit 'outing' FB rant. He sounds a total tosser.

Caroparo52 · 19/02/2025 23:41

He's just trying to rattle you and knows full well the date is chosen to achieve maximum impact. Your key answer is silence. That will rile him the most. Until something official lands on your door just carry on ignoring him.
I would block also.

Thunderpants88 · 19/02/2025 23:40

I wouldn’t. Even when I know the history and it may be a parent treated poorly, I still think the poster has lost the argument and it’s pathetic. It makes me feel less empathy towards them, not more.

”if you have nothing nice to say then say nothing”
And “don’t air your dirty laundry in public”

rise above it

DonutCroissant · 19/02/2025 23:39

Don't do it. No one will really care. It will be the subject of gossip. You will look like you have lost control of yourself and the situation. It won't achieve anything.
Washing your dirty linen in public is never a good idea.