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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
Wishyouwerehere50 · 19/02/2025 21:07

It depends. Would you be able to have her in your life in some capacity? She might want to? She might find it a rejection if you can't do that. It could be very messy. Does the card help her or does it help you?

Just be really clear on your intentions. Maybe later down the line, not now, would be better all round? Maybe leaving it entirely. Only you know.

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:07

It was her mum her told me no.

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 19/02/2025 21:06

I would. Presumably it was the child’s mother who told you that you couldn’t keep in touch.
Send a nice message. If she wants to reply she can. If not she doesn’t have to

Farreleye · 19/02/2025 21:06

I wouldn't, it's been a long time especially from her persepctive as so much in her life will have changed in a decade. It's lovely you had a good relationship and I'm sure she has memories of that, but I'd leave it up to her, she will contact you if she wants.

mammaS11 · 19/02/2025 21:06

I think it would be a nice thing to do. I don't agree that she would get in touch with you if she wanted to, she is a kid. She might not know you asked to stay in touch with her, I'm sure she thinks of you too. It is never bad for kids (or anyone) to have extra people in the world that care about them.

LucastaNoir · 19/02/2025 21:06

You are clearly fond of her and were a part of her life.

what would you like to happen as a result of getting in touch with her?

she’s just entering a phase of her life where she is branching out as an adult, not remembering the past as you are.

i think you could send a message saying your remember her fondly and wish her all the best as she turns 18. I wouldn’t suggest
meeting up and I wouldn’t expect anything of her.

Bournetilly · 19/02/2025 21:06

I think sending a card is a nice idea, she won’t feel as though she has to reply which she might to a text/email.

AffableApple · 19/02/2025 21:05

Who originally told you "no"? Was an explanation given for this?

Could you handle a second "no"? Are you doing this for the right reasons?

Eenameenadeeka · 19/02/2025 21:05

Who was it that told you no to remaining in contact? Did she say that herself? I think she would probably contact you if she wanted to.

InSpainTheRain · 19/02/2025 21:04

I'd just leave it to be honest. It could open up old feelings that are best left alone in my opinion. What would be your motive and hoped for outcome on this?

Strugglingtocometoterms · 19/02/2025 21:03

You could send a nice card, word it nicely but not in a way that invites a response.
If it were me, i would appreciate knowing you still thought of me/cared.

Poppyseeds79 · 19/02/2025 21:03

No harm in it any more than a past family friend. She'll either be happy to hear from you or decline politely to renew being in touch.

GargoylesofBeelzebub · 19/02/2025 21:01

If it was me I would.

Lilly1771 · 19/02/2025 21:01

I think you should just leave it.

Justsayit123 · 19/02/2025 21:00

I think it would be nice to do that. Keep it very low key.