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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:41

BorneoBop · 19/02/2025 21:28

As long as you werent an affair partner?

I can understand that it must have been very hard for the DM to be apart from her tiny 2 year old. Sounds like the family have had a lot of strife with family breakdown and parental loss at a young age.

I wasn't. It was also incredibly hard for her dad being away from his tiny two year old.

OP posts:
Grapewrath · 19/02/2025 21:40

I’d give it a few years- this is a really tricky time in her life and she’s still going through rapid brain development and is likely managing a lot of changes. It’s likely the mum who said no is still very influential in her life, and you could cause problems in their relationship. She is an adult, but also a teenager
id wait until she is settled in life as a young woman and see what her response is then. Getting in touch now could be really de stabilising

godmum56 · 19/02/2025 21:40

I think one friendly/neutral message would be fine.

BruFord · 19/02/2025 21:40

I hadn’t thought of this, but you weren’t the reason for her parent’s breakup, were you?
If you were, you shouldn’t contact her. If they’d split up before you met her Dad, then I’d say yes, send her a birthday message.

Pokadotspink · 19/02/2025 21:39

if it was me then id appricate it

Stichintime · 19/02/2025 21:39

You were her step mum between 2 and 8 years, her dad then died when she was 10. That's two big losses as a child. You may bring lots of difficult feelings to the surface for her.

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 19/02/2025 21:39

I had a babysitter until I was 7, she was round all the time as she lived next door anyway and I apparently loved her.

She ended up coming over to my parents' house many years later while I was there. I hadn't seen her since I was about 7. And now I was an adult and she was gushing over me and I was really embarrassed and felt so awkward because I didn't remember her at all and she obviously felt we had a really close relationship.

I'd just leave it.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 19/02/2025 21:38

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:33

Yes, I would be more than happy (and always have been) to have her in my life in any capacity she would like

But I would also be happy or understand if she wasn't interested

Show quote history

I think it's a really kind gesture then. She's an adult and can decide if she wants to follow up contact after receiving it.

Tiredofallthis101 · 19/02/2025 21:36

Yes definitely do it, in a 'no pressure but I think about you often and would love to see you' way. She may be sad she's not seen yiu in the last few years and feel she lost both you and her dad.

2025willbemytime · 19/02/2025 21:34

What old feelings are people thinking will be brought to the surface?

I got back in touch with two ladies who looked after me as a child and they were thrilled. We are still in touch now years later and always will be. One is like a mum to me as I don't have one.

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:33

Wishyouwerehere50 · 19/02/2025 21:07

It depends. Would you be able to have her in your life in some capacity? She might want to? She might find it a rejection if you can't do that. It could be very messy. Does the card help her or does it help you?

Just be really clear on your intentions. Maybe later down the line, not now, would be better all round? Maybe leaving it entirely. Only you know.

Yes, I would be more than happy (and always have been) to have her in my life in any capacity she would like

But I would also be happy or understand if she wasn't interested

OP posts:
Travelodge · 19/02/2025 21:31

I can’t see what harm it would do. It’s not as if she’s still a child. If she doesn’t want to respond she needn’t.

Guavafish1 · 19/02/2025 21:30

Do it but have low expectations and high rejection outcomes

Snowmanscarf · 19/02/2025 21:29

I think it’s a nice thing to do - you were part of her life for several years, although as someone said, maybe wait until after a-levels.

BorneoBop · 19/02/2025 21:28

As long as you werent an affair partner?

I can understand that it must have been very hard for the DM to be apart from her tiny 2 year old. Sounds like the family have had a lot of strife with family breakdown and parental loss at a young age.

Starlightstarbright4 · 19/02/2025 21:26

I honestly think wrong time .. If she is approaching A levels .. she doesn’t need this now . Maybe wait till 21z

MysteriousFalafel · 19/02/2025 21:19

As someone who lost a parent very young I would have loved it if someone who knew him got in touch, particularly someone who I had a relationship with. It would be lovely to hear some stories about my dad. I’d definitely send her a message wishing her a happy birthday and saying you’ve often thought of her.

Strugglingtocometoterms · 19/02/2025 21:16

mammaS11 · 19/02/2025 21:06

I think it would be a nice thing to do. I don't agree that she would get in touch with you if she wanted to, she is a kid. She might not know you asked to stay in touch with her, I'm sure she thinks of you too. It is never bad for kids (or anyone) to have extra people in the world that care about them.

This! Surely even her mum could understand this?? It's not like you're trying to step in, just show that you didn't just forget her.

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:15

Im not intending on bad mouthing her mum.
I was hurt that she said no and don’t necessarily think it was a kind decision to either of us but I respect and understand why she did.

If asked Im happy to just say after her dad died that I didn’t have a way to contact her and take any blame that I should have tried harder

OP posts:
Peaceandquietandacuppa · 19/02/2025 21:11

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:08

I don't have her address or phone number. The only way I would be able to contact her is by social media.

I’d say “Hi X, was just thinking of you and our days out to (X place that you went to). Hope you don’t mind me sending you a message, just wanted to say hello and that I hope you are well. Love from @strangerthan x”

Astronautstar · 19/02/2025 21:10

I wouldn't because this is a tricky age for mothers and daughters. I don't think it would be helpful if it came to light that you'd been told not to get in touch. It would probably cause tension between the two of them if a relationship was rekindled. That outweighs the benefits in my view. She only has one parent. They need to stay on good terms.

DoYouReally · 19/02/2025 21:10

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:08

I don't have her address or phone number. The only way I would be able to contact her is by social media.

Then send a birthday message!

BruFord · 19/02/2025 21:08

@strangerthan Hmm, I can see why you’d like to make contact and I think it would show her that you care about her.

Perhaps a lowkey message just saying Happy 18h and that you’re thinking about her on her special birthday.

Be careful though, she may not realize that her Mum told you not to stay in contact and it could cause ructions in her family if she finds out. That wouldn’t be fair on her.

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:08

I don't have her address or phone number. The only way I would be able to contact her is by social media.

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 19/02/2025 21:07

Send an 18th birthday card and put your number on it. It's totally her choice then if she gets in touch.