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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
Sunnydays25 · 19/02/2025 22:26

I think you sound very kind, I think her mother did her a disservice in not allowing you to keep up contact.

RadFs · 19/02/2025 22:25

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 22:15

Just to be clear on timings, me and her dad broke up when she was 8but I continued to see and speak to her at least every couple of months.

He passed away when she was 12, I hadn't managed to see her for several months before this but did speak to her over the phone after he passed away and sent her a card.

She wasn't at the funeral so couldn't speak to her and my only opportunity was to ask her mum for a number or address to stay in contact but was told to stay away.

So it has only been just over 5 years and she was old enough that she would at least remember who I am. I understand that its a long time for a teenager though and that she would have changed, a lot would have happened for her since,

Hi. Get in touch with her she’ll remember you and probably has missed you.

downhere · 19/02/2025 22:24

paranoiaofpufflings · 19/02/2025 22:22

I would contact her but I would make it clear there is no pressure for her to respond if she doesn't want to.

She probably won't know that her mum told you to step away, and she may have always wondered why you lost contact!

I might say something like you loved and cared for her during the years you spent time together, and have often thought of her since, wondering how she is and how life is going. You know she has become an adult now, and if she ever wanted to speak to or see you then you would be very happy to be in touch. Leave that with her.

This is a lovely idea for a message

RadFs · 19/02/2025 22:22

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:07

It was her mum her told me no.

Do you know anything about her life now? If she still lives where she does?

paranoiaofpufflings · 19/02/2025 22:22

I would contact her but I would make it clear there is no pressure for her to respond if she doesn't want to.

She probably won't know that her mum told you to step away, and she may have always wondered why you lost contact!

I might say something like you loved and cared for her during the years you spent time together, and have often thought of her since, wondering how she is and how life is going. You know she has become an adult now, and if she ever wanted to speak to or see you then you would be very happy to be in touch. Leave that with her.

Saracen · 19/02/2025 22:21

I think a brief message would be appropriate. Of course she remembers you. She may not know you were told to keep clear, and she may be imagining you don't want to see her anymore.

RadFs · 19/02/2025 22:20

@strangerthan just do it. What’s the worse that could happen she’d refuse to be in contact with you. At least you know then.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 19/02/2025 22:19

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:17

I don't think you should try to make contact as she has already said no. But if you want to you could wish her happy birthday then up to her if she replies

Her mum said no not her.

I think you should get in touch. She might think you abandoned her so would be nice for her to know you remember her and still care

Viviennemary · 19/02/2025 22:17

I don't think you should try to make contact as she has already said no. But if you want to you could wish her happy birthday then up to her if she replies

Iloveyoubut · 19/02/2025 22:16

I had an incredibly complicated childhood and I would have loved if you’d reached out to me. I think it’s a lovley idea and as others have said, just keep it low key with no expectations but yes… I think it’s worth doing it. I often wonder if my ‘sort of step mum for a few years’ ever thinks of me and I’m 50.

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 22:15

Just to be clear on timings, me and her dad broke up when she was 8but I continued to see and speak to her at least every couple of months.

He passed away when she was 12, I hadn't managed to see her for several months before this but did speak to her over the phone after he passed away and sent her a card.

She wasn't at the funeral so couldn't speak to her and my only opportunity was to ask her mum for a number or address to stay in contact but was told to stay away.

So it has only been just over 5 years and she was old enough that she would at least remember who I am. I understand that its a long time for a teenager though and that she would have changed, a lot would have happened for her since,

OP posts:
Justsaywhatyoumean123 · 19/02/2025 22:14

I think it's always good for the parent to reach out, even if the child is now 18. The adult still holds the power in the relationship, and making the first move can be a really kind and meaningful gesture—especially since you were such a big part of her childhood. Wishing you all the best x

Phase2 · 19/02/2025 22:00

I don't think you should. I'm an ex step mum but we had a child so the children were (half) siblings. I was also a bereaved child and I wouldn't welcome an ex of my dad's turning up.
You have also been told not to by her mum and so you will either be a secret or a source of annoyance. It's been 8 years, she has had almost half her life again without you in it.

Wishyouwerehere50 · 19/02/2025 21:55

AcquadiP · 19/02/2025 21:52

I think you should contact her and wish her well on her 18th birthday and tell her you've never forgotten her.

This message sounds great OP. I think this could be so heartwarming to her. How I'd value a card like this at 18. So much honestly.

If you're open like you say to contact then this feels like the right thing to do.

JohnofWessex · 19/02/2025 21:55

Why not wait until the summer when the A levels are over?

PixieTales · 19/02/2025 21:55

BorneoBop · 19/02/2025 21:28

As long as you werent an affair partner?

I can understand that it must have been very hard for the DM to be apart from her tiny 2 year old. Sounds like the family have had a lot of strife with family breakdown and parental loss at a young age.

Oh do piss off.

AcquadiP · 19/02/2025 21:52

I think you should contact her and wish her well on her 18th birthday and tell her you've never forgotten her.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2025 21:51

MysteriousFalafel · 19/02/2025 21:19

As someone who lost a parent very young I would have loved it if someone who knew him got in touch, particularly someone who I had a relationship with. It would be lovely to hear some stories about my dad. I’d definitely send her a message wishing her a happy birthday and saying you’ve often thought of her.

Agreed, I lost my dad when I was 16 and would love someone, who cared about me to get in touch. I would say you have such fond memories of her and would like her to know you still care and hope she has a wonderful birthday. Tbh I wouldn’t tell her that you decided to stay away. That may lead to her rejecting you when actually you could be a positive force in her life. I appreciate you don’t want to disrupt the bond with her mum either, especially under the circumstances. Perhaps say it was a long time ago and the split was difficult on everyone and be rather vague.

Original poster
strangerthan · 19/02/2025 21:48

I'm worried and hope shes never felt that I didn't care or have forgotten about her but sure she has at least when she was younger.

I thought 18 was the best point to contact as it makes sense that I would wait until she was an adult. Waiting any longer would just further suggest I had forgotten and didn't care.

OP posts:
Bellyblueboy · 19/02/2025 21:47

It would be lovely for her to know you still care about her.

I had a lot of adults in my life as a child and I was recently thinking about them and how so few of them really saw me or were interested in me.

It would be lovely to think at least one of them cared about how my life turned out.

thismummydrinksgin · 19/02/2025 21:45

I think this would show the girl that you really did care x

lunar1 · 19/02/2025 21:45

My former stepmum contacted me when I was an adult, I'm in my 40's now and we are close friends, I'm so glad she did.

Treeinthesky · 19/02/2025 21:43

My dd aged 15 did its nice and if it was her she would like it.

Onlyvisiting · 19/02/2025 21:43

I would. Her birthday is a good opportunity to send her a happy birthday message with a few words. Keep it fairly low key and see what happens. If she wants to ignore it she can, and it opens the door for her to respond if she wants.
I would say though that remember 10 years might not feel that long to you, but to an 18 year old it is a lifetime and you might not be more than a distant memory to her now. So keep your expectations low.

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/02/2025 21:41

I had a step mother like that and I would love it if she got in contact (and would have loved it at any point in my life). Sadly I don't even know her family name, so can't find her myself.