To contact my ex stepdaughter

Rubbish. They were together for six years. As much as people seem to insist that someone is just “dad’s girlfriend” if not married, if they lived together then in name she was just as much as a stepmum as if they’d been married.

OP you sound sensible and clearly don’t have an agenda. I absolutely would reach out. You have nothing to lose.

I'm another one with a complicated upbringing. One side of the family did contact me many years later (approx twenty five years later). I had, of course, thought of them often over the years and the decision of no contact had been made by adults at the time, not me obviously. I was glad to hear from them but it was very bad timing as I had just lost a baby (they were not to know that). They contacted me through social media so it was a bit of a shock after such a long time. They pushed ahead so hard and so quickly that I ended up cutting contact pretty soon afterwards. I don't know why I didn't just say to give me more time, maybe I felt it was inappropriate as twenty five years had already passed by but there was also a feeling of guilt and disloyalty to the other side of the family that I needed time to process.

I would contact her but please do it gently and wait for her to reply when she's ready.

I concur. Completed off topic, but are you a fan of the US version of The Office @Ryanstartedthefire22?

this 🩷

It's a lovely thing to do. I'd definitely do it

I would want to contact her too, but you would need to explain why you didn't keep in touch. Even if it was only that you didn't have her contact details but you've now found her on social media. And to make it clear that she would be welcome to contact you any time if she wanted to, so she knows that she can. I don't agree with the people who say it would only store up feelings unnecessarily - if she does have unresolved feelings it would be good to help with those. Be prepared for her mum to be angry, though.

OP the nature of all your responses indicate that you are going to contact her regardless of any advice you get. If it's validation you are after then the answers look to be 50/50.

18 is just a number as reiterated on so many threads when talking about whether someone is a child or an adult.

Any contact should be her choice as the greater impact of any contact is on her. She'll find you on SM if she wants to get in touch

I would!

Even though you split up, it’s clear you had a good relationship with her dad. When a parent passes it’s really important for most people to have other people in their life who also really loved that parent (at some point at least). maybe she would love to share anecdotes about her dad and good memories the three of you had.

also, were also another mother figure in her formative years, I am sure she missed you too. when you left after her father passed she might have been hurt and confused and thought you abandoned her, essentially losing two parents at the same time. Who knows what her mother told her about why you didn’t stay in touch?

i would reach out, keep it low key but also mention that you always wanted to keep in touch and have thought about her over the years on her birthday etc.

Me too, quick message and your no. X

If I was that young woman i think I would appreciate your message ... similar to what you have said on here & wish her a happy 18th birthday.

Contact her. You've been thinking of her for all these years, she's clearly important to you. If she doesn't want to know, at least you tried and she'll know you didn't just stop caring. That she meant something to you, it wasn't only her dad that you loved.

My mum died when I was 8, my dad remarried and I slowly lost contact with all my mum’s family who had been a massive part of my life until the remarriage.
I would have been thrilled with a message from them when I turned 18. I do know now know where my uncle and aunt live, but I would never pop in as I was so hurt by them dropping out of my life, but if they made the first move and invited me round then I would love it.
even if it is just a short message to say you’ve missed her, you think about her a lot and you’d love to meet up for a coffee sometime. Equally you would understand if she doesn’t want to.

I would definitely reach out, low key. Wish her a happy birthday, hope she’s doing ok etc. Then let her make the next move. At the very least you are a connection to her father and can tell her/share stories of him if this is what she wants. As someone who lost a parent as a child I would have loved anyone close to them reaching out.

What? Are you the child in question? Why are you making first person statements about whether you consider OP a stepmum or not?

Kindly I don’t consider you a step mum… but a dad’s girlfriend. Her mum said do not keep in touch, respect that. I don’t think it’s kind to contact her now. Most 18 year olds still live at home and are in education of sorts. Leave it.

This thread has hit a nerve with me but I am not going to go into it to deeply as I would be here for hours….

Yes do reach out, I was once that girl and thought, and actually still feel I was forgotten about. It might not go the way you hope but she won’t ever feel the way I do, not understanding and knowing what you’ve done wrong when someone who is part of your circle suddenly disappears is hard to get your head around as a child and even in later years as an adult to try and make sense of.

Go into it not expecting anything, but I really hope that for both of you it brings peace and maybe something else.

I think you should.

I say definitely contact her to say Happy Birthday, you hope she’s ok. Tell her you didn’t want to interfere in her life and never had any contact details, but you wanted her to know that you think of her often and hope she has a great life. Tell her there’s no pressure to reply if she doesn’t want to, but you’ll always be here if she does want to.

With the info that it was her mum who said no to keeping in contact (not the child herself) and the fact that you were in her life for 10 years, I think you should.

It would be lovely for her to know you still think about her and care about her, and you don't know what answer her mum might have given her when she wondered why you didn't keep in touch.

I think you should let it go. While you have fond memories of her, you have no idea what her life is like now and what you getting in contact might bring up for her. Leave the past in the past - if she wanted to, she could probably find you on social media and get in contact.

Imagine you asked someone to not contact your child. Then the child turned 18 and that person pretty much immediately got in contact.

how old even was the child last you saw them? Remember how you think about people who baby sat you as a child - you’re like yeah she was nice aw…but you don’t remember much else. I’m sure you mean it nicely but you should wait til she’s older older if you want to send a card.

She can always say No. A short but open message would be good.

She is at a strange age between a teenager and an adult.

It would be better to wait until she is older, 23?.