Page 3 | To contact my ex stepdaughter

strangerthan · 2025-02-19T20:59:02+00:00

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc. She He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected. She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended. I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would. I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to. AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

Original poster

strangerthan · 20/02/2025 19:44

Deadbeatex · 20/02/2025 19:12

I'd wonder if you cared that much why you didn't message on my actual birthday tbh, I mean did you forget the date? I understand your reasons for not wanting to upset/distract from her special day but if you are going with the birthday message then it should be on her birthday otherwise you should acknowledge the reasons for messaging a few days/weeks later

Okay maybe I'll send it on her actual birthday. I was thinking that i don't know how she will feel receiving a message from me, possible that she will be upset or angry and didn't want to ruin her birthday or like a previous poster has suggested look like I'd been counting down the days.

OP posts:

Deadbeatex · 20/02/2025 19:12

I'd wonder if you cared that much why you didn't message on my actual birthday tbh, I mean did you forget the date? I understand your reasons for not wanting to upset/distract from her special day but if you are going with the birthday message then it should be on her birthday otherwise you should acknowledge the reasons for messaging a few days/weeks later

Sleepington · 20/02/2025 19:10

strangerthan · 20/02/2025 19:06

How is this?

Hi X.
I hope you don’t mind me contacting you, please feel no pressure to reply.
I just wanted to wish you a happy 18th birthday for the other day and send you my love.
I think about you often and hope you are doing well.
If you were ever interested in meeting or speaking further, not necessarily now but anytime in the future then just letting you know I’m here and will always be happy to hear from you.
Love X

That is lovely OP.

Don’t forget to include your email, phone number and address so she can keep it for the future in case she isn’t ready to reply just yet.

Sleepington · 20/02/2025 19:08

Deadbeatex · 20/02/2025 19:05

If she's followed her on social media then she will have watched her grow? If she hasn't then yes I agree that would be insincere and would need to be qualified with from what insert name here has told me you've grown into a lovely young woman

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Im not sure it would be comforting for the girl to be told the OP has been looking at her on social media over the years.

Even if the girl’s profile is public, it isn’t something the OP should really announce when initiating contact after a long period has passed since seeing her. I know I wouldn’t have liked it.

Original poster

strangerthan · 20/02/2025 19:06

How is this?

Hi X.
I hope you don’t mind me contacting you, please feel no pressure to reply.
I just wanted to wish you a happy 18th birthday for the other day and send you my love.
I think about you often and hope you are doing well.
If you were ever interested in meeting or speaking further, not necessarily now but anytime in the future then just letting you know I’m here and will always be happy to hear from you.
Love X

OP posts:

Deadbeatex · 20/02/2025 19:06

HoppityBun · 20/02/2025 19:04

I wouldn’t say you’re proud of her, OP, unless you’re claiming the credit for her achievements. Admiration yes, but not pride.

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Yes I agree admire is probably better than proud

Deadbeatex · 20/02/2025 19:05

Sleepington · 20/02/2025 19:02

The OP can’t say this, Apart from it sounding very cliche, it would sound insincere as the OP really doesn’t know how the girl is now.

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If she's followed her on social media then she will have watched her grow? If she hasn't then yes I agree that would be insincere and would need to be qualified with from what insert name here has told me you've grown into a lovely young woman

Buffs · 20/02/2025 19:04

What a lovely thought.

HoppityBun · 20/02/2025 19:04

Deadbeatex · 20/02/2025 18:09

I think sending a simple happy birthday I'm proud to see the adult you've become message is enough, further contact is then up to her. She can easily ignore it or she can reply and you take the conversation from there. Just bear in mind that 10 years have passed and you've no idea what she's been told about your absence so whilst you love her and want her in your life, to her you may be the devil incarnate and she hates you

I wouldn’t say you’re proud of her, OP, unless you’re claiming the credit for her achievements. Admiration yes, but not pride.

Sleepington · 20/02/2025 19:02

Deadbeatex · 20/02/2025 18:09

I think sending a simple happy birthday I'm proud to see the adult you've become message is enough, further contact is then up to her. She can easily ignore it or she can reply and you take the conversation from there. Just bear in mind that 10 years have passed and you've no idea what she's been told about your absence so whilst you love her and want her in your life, to her you may be the devil incarnate and she hates you

The OP can’t say this, Apart from it sounding very cliche, it would sound insincere as the OP really doesn’t know how the girl is now.

cherrysponge · 20/02/2025 18:29

strangerthan · 20/02/2025 08:20

I think I definitely am going to contact her but
I’ll send it a couple of days/weeks after her birthday rather than the actual day and I will make it clear i have no expectation of a reply.

As other posters who were in similar situations have described, I can’t leave her with feeling she was forgotten or not cared about for any longer than that.

I actually would contact her on her actual birthday which shows that you remember the date and that you did (do) care about her. You are obviously a lovely person OP and I hope that it works out for (both) of you.

Deadbeatex · 20/02/2025 18:09

I think sending a simple happy birthday I'm proud to see the adult you've become message is enough, further contact is then up to her. She can easily ignore it or she can reply and you take the conversation from there. Just bear in mind that 10 years have passed and you've no idea what she's been told about your absence so whilst you love her and want her in your life, to her you may be the devil incarnate and she hates you

Original poster

strangerthan · 20/02/2025 08:20

I think I definitely am going to contact her but
I’ll send it a couple of days/weeks after her birthday rather than the actual day and I will make it clear i have no expectation of a reply.

As other posters who were in similar situations have described, I can’t leave her with feeling she was forgotten or not cared about for any longer than that.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 20/02/2025 08:00

Do it OP I think it's lovely to let someone know you are thinking of them under these kind of situations.

arcticpandas · 20/02/2025 07:59

Please do contact her. You can just say you waited until she was 18 so not to step on any toes but say you have been thinking about her and would love to see her but if she doesn't want to you perfectly understand and wish her all the Best.

XWKD · 20/02/2025 07:51

I would. She might feel you forgot about her.

CrotchetyQuaver · 20/02/2025 07:42

I would get in touch in this situation and word things in such a way that she doesn't feel she has to reply. But I would stress that now she's 18 you feel able to make contact and you've wondered how she was all these years you've not been in touch and how much you've missed her.

OneTwinklyPlumBeaker · 20/02/2025 06:42

So much overthinking on this thread and so many responses from posters who have not read the thread at all. Just send her birthday greetings on SM and await her response, if any and go from there. You sound lovely.

Lampshadeblue · 20/02/2025 00:47

I would send her a card, no pressure just letting her know that she was special to you and you still thought of her. You don’t know what’s happening in her life, she may be super busy and you may not hear back or she may be grateful to hear from someone that cares for her and want to reach out. Xx

Beastiesandthebeauty · 20/02/2025 00:26

Reach a branch, you could have happy stories and things to tell that she can't hear elsewhere =)

Crazybaby123 · 19/02/2025 23:43

I think it would be ok to do, maybe not when she immediately turned 18 as it might look like you have literally counted down the days which could be misinterpeeted but some time in the coming years message her and keep it super friendly and chit chatty but say you thought of her and just hoped she is ok. I would say leave it another year though. You don't know how good or bad her relationahip is with her mum and what stories she has been told about her dad, you etc.

Cottonplease · 19/02/2025 23:42

I would. You can add that you've never forgotten her/she has never been far from your thoughts etc and if she would like to get in touch then you'd love to see her. You've got nothing to lose and everything to gain. Good luck OP!

Catpuss66 · 19/02/2025 23:41

whatonearthisgoingonnow · 19/02/2025 21:39

I had a babysitter until I was 7, she was round all the time as she lived next door anyway and I apparently loved her.

She ended up coming over to my parents' house many years later while I was there. I hadn't seen her since I was about 7. And now I was an adult and she was gushing over me and I was really embarrassed and felt so awkward because I didn't remember her at all and she obviously felt we had a really close relationship.

I'd just leave it.

Edited

A babysitter is a bit different to a step mom. Which is what she was.

blubberyboo · 19/02/2025 23:36

Whilst I do think it would be kind of you to reach out and send a happy 18th card, part of me is thinking that the reason mum told you to stay away is probably due to the fact you were already dipping in and out of her life. Whilst it wasn't your fault nor intention you don't know if the girl was expressing sadness and confusion to her mum aged 12 about why you only came occasionally. Mum probs thought it best to rip off the band aid.

With that in mind just tread carefully and don't go all in over friendly. You don't want her to think a deep relationship is rekindling that ends up going flat

I think a birthday card with a short kind message is enough for now at least until exams over and she matures. She will be a different person now and you do of course have your own kids to think of if there is a personality clash.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/02/2025 23:35

Of course you should make the first contact. People saying she could get in touch with you if she wanted to are ignoring that she probably thinks you deliberately abandoned her after her father died (it's not very likely that her mother told her you asked to stay in contact). Leaving it longer would reinforce the feeling that you don't/didn't care about her. I think waiting until she's 18 is respecting her mother's wishes.