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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
Genevieva · 07/03/2025 21:24

Oops - should have read to the end. Happy endings are good.

Genevieva · 07/03/2025 21:23

She still a teenager. Leave it for a few years.

cherrysponge · 07/03/2025 21:23

So pleased for you.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 21:22

You're not really anything to her, I would probably just leave it. Presumably she knows how to contact you via social media if she wishes?

OverthinkingOlive · 07/03/2025 21:12

Brilliant update 👏

Snowmanscarf · 07/03/2025 21:03

Good update.

JMSA · 07/03/2025 20:54

Have just spotted the latest update. I really ought to have read the full thread Grin
Anyway, I'm glad you got a positive response x

JMSA · 07/03/2025 20:53

Ok, have just seen that you don't have her address. Same goes for a birthday message. After but not on her birthday, as it's too much of a bolt out the blue.

Fuckitydoodah · 07/03/2025 20:51

strangerthan · 07/03/2025 20:45

Just wanted to update to say that I did message her and I did hear back.
Very emotional and we have lots to catch up on but I'm very pleased I reached out as was she.

I've just come across your thread OP.

I'm so pleased you messaged her and have had a positive response. Thank goodness you listened to your heart. You would have always wondered if you'd listened to the advice of those saying not to do it.

JMSA · 07/03/2025 20:51

At first, I was going to say that sending an 18th card would be a really nice idea. But actually, I don't think it is. You sound lovely OP, but think of it from her point of view. Receiving a card from you, completely out of the blue, is rather a big thing to happen on her birthday. It could open up old feelings and memories about her dad, when it's going to be hard without him as it is.
The best course of action, if you really want to do this, is to send a 'thinking of you' card soon after her birthday has passed.
Good luck!

Feliciacat · 07/03/2025 20:50

This is lovely news! I’m very happy for you both. Family is so much more than blood.

Marmaladelover · 07/03/2025 20:49

I am so pleased for you both Flowers Flowers

Original poster
strangerthan · 07/03/2025 20:45

Just wanted to update to say that I did message her and I did hear back.
Very emotional and we have lots to catch up on but I'm very pleased I reached out as was she.

OP posts:
Frn85 · 21/02/2025 21:08

I split with my ex of 10years, 7yr ago now, last year his son (my ex step child) used to come for dinner so he could see his younger sisters and my eldest son. His mum was fine with it (shearranged it with me), his dad was oblivious as he wasn't talking to him at the time

2025willbemytime · 21/02/2025 17:46

One could argue it was okay for the mum to say no contact when this girl was a child but she's an adult now and should be allowed to make her own decision.

PassingStranger · 21/02/2025 00:36

Go for it op.
You can but try.
If she dosent want to, nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say.

Randomease · 20/02/2025 23:50

Without being mean you’re probably totally overestimating your importance in her life. She was very young and may not barely even remember you

Pallisers · 20/02/2025 23:47

I think it would be nice but I'd wait till she was older than 18. When she is 22 or 23 she may be better able to deal with a blast from the past - a blast that will remind her a lot of her deceased father.

Ketzele · 20/02/2025 23:45

My dad left when I was a baby, and was absent throughout my childhood. I had a stepdad between the ages of 7 and 11, who I was close to. After he left (his choice) we had absolutely no contact, even though he stayed in the area.

I was very hurt by that, and am still amazed at how people didn't see any issue because he wasn't my 'real' dad. Still on MN, I see people being very dismissive of non-biological family relationships.

I think you should, OP. Sensitively and respectfully, obviously.

lemonmeringuepie1997 · 20/02/2025 22:03

I wouldn't send anything to arrive on the actual day as it could cause upset with her or her mum.
A little while later or as a previous poster suggested- after exams in the summer might be best.

SugarNyx · 20/02/2025 21:57

As someone who was in this exact position, I met up with that child last night after reaching out to them for the first time in 7 years, absolutely message them. You don’t realise the impact you have on them. She was telling me stuff that I absolutely hadn’t ever considered and I realised that they see you totally differently to how you see yourself. They were a part of you life and you moved on but to them you were so much more. If you don’t give them the opportunity to connect with you, they wont connect with you. As she said to me last night “I was so nevous to meet you because I know that I remind you of the worst time of your life.” I loved her and thought I was doing the best by letting her go. She obviously saw it differently. Open the door

Ddakji · 20/02/2025 20:03

I think it would be a nice thing to do. Look at Chris Packham and Megan McGubbin! Thick as thieves,

OhcantthInkofaname · 20/02/2025 20:00

If you know her address send her a simple card that says "I thought about you over the years! I hope you are doing well."
No pressure for her to respond.

croydon15 · 20/02/2025 19:49

I think it's a lovely thing to do, she may have wondered why you disappeared from her life especially after losing her dad.

Sassybooklover · 20/02/2025 19:45

My ex and I split up after 4 years together. His two boys lived with him and not their Mum, so for 4 years, I was their step-Mum. The boys were 11 and 9 years old when I left my ex (he cheated numerous times), and I made the decision not to keep in contact. I felt that it would be difficult enough for the boys living with their Dad, and having contact with their Mum, without throwing myself into the mix. Once the youngest reached 18, I made contact with both, via Facebook, by sending a Friend Request. I sent a short message once the request was accepted and left the rest up to them. They are grown adults, married with children of their own - we keep in occasional contact by sending a message. I have also left the door open for them to meet up, and told them both, that decision is and will always be theirs to make. Sending a card or even a Facebook friend request is always an option, but make it casual, no expectations.