Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To contact my ex stepdaughter

165 replies

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 20:59

I was a step mum a little girl while she was 2-8, I then split up with her father but remained friendly and I guess did some babysitting for him, taking her out for a few hours every couple of months and still sent her birthday and Christmas cards etc.
She

He sadly passed away a couple of years after this and after the funeral when suggesting I wished to stay in some sort contact was told no which I respected.

She is now turning 18 and I’ve since married and own children. I’ve thought about her often and feel very sad that our relationship ended.

I mentioned to my mum today that I was going to send her a message and she told me that it was a terrible idea, that I would be throwing a massive spanner into her life and that if she wanted to contact me then she would.

I’m obviously not expecting anything from her but if she was interested in meeting/speaking further then I would be to.

AIBU? Is it a terrible idea or a nice thing to do?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
GargoylesofBeelzebub · 08/03/2025 12:59

Oh that's wonderful!! So pleased to hear that update. ❤️

ColourBlueColourPurple · 08/03/2025 08:41

Catpuss66 · 08/03/2025 01:42

Just because you grew up without any feelings towards your step mom, don’t inflict your experiences & negativity on others.
I have a step dad who raised me my whole life & I loved him until he died in October.

yes my comment says a lot about me I was loved.

Show quote history

I didn't say I didn't have any feelings for her, I liked her when she was in my life. But she was just a nice woman who was at my dad's when I stayed there every other weekend. When she was gone, that was it, she was gone.

Yes, your comment does say a lot about you. You automatically assume the worst of people based on what you've taken from what they've said. Not very nice.

autisticbookworm · 08/03/2025 05:24

Wonderful new op glad it went well

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/03/2025 02:34

That’s so lovely. Thank you for letting us know. I hope you will both continue to stay connected. ❤️

Monty27 · 08/03/2025 02:18

@strangerthan no need for a moratorium. I'd simply say something like
'Thinking of you often especially on your special birthday. With much love always..'
And leave your contact details saying it would be great to hear from you. I hope you're doing well...

Catpuss66 · 08/03/2025 01:42

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 22:30

And your comment to me says a lot about you as a person.

Also it's not unkind. I had a stepmum from age 3 to 7. She doesn't mean anything to me, she's a woman that my dad was with for a few years. Yes she was involved in my life but then she left and I didn't think about her too much after that. I probably wouldn't recognise her in the street had it not been for a couple of photos I've seen from back then.

Show quote history

Just because you grew up without any feelings towards your step mom, don’t inflict your experiences & negativity on others.
I have a step dad who raised me my whole life & I loved him until he died in October.

yes my comment says a lot about me I was loved.

Italiangreyhound · 08/03/2025 00:27

"Just wanted to update to say that I did message her and I did hear back.
Very emotional and we have lots to catch up on but I'm very pleased I reached out as was she."

That's brilliant. Very pleased for you both.

BruFord · 08/03/2025 00:23

Lovely update, OP!

Trabbling · 08/03/2025 00:01

If only people could at least have the courtesy to read the OP's updates!!!

@strangerthan delighted to read your update, and I hope you have a wonderful time catching up ❤️

Pancakerocker · 07/03/2025 23:41

I often think about my stepdad I wish he would get in contact.
Over the year I've looked online but can't find him.

Guineapigfosterer · 07/03/2025 23:39

I keep in touch with my ex stepmum now I am an adult and I have a lovely friendship with her but I have to be careful as my mum disagrees with it.
She feels this way as my relationship with my stepmum when I was growing up was strained by my dad leaving me with her when I was meant to be spending time with him.
My advice would be reach out but keep it casual and open.

Hollyhedge · 07/03/2025 23:26

Nice thing to do

ThreeMagicNumber · 07/03/2025 23:25

I think you should. My dad was with a woman from I was 5 till 12 then she moved back down south. I often think about her over the years and am still in contact with her niece and would be open to speaking to her.

FriendlyEeyore · 07/03/2025 23:23

Wonderful news. I’m so happy for both of you Flowers

Wellretired · 07/03/2025 23:11

strangerthan · 07/03/2025 20:45

Just wanted to update to say that I did message her and I did hear back.
Very emotional and we have lots to catch up on but I'm very pleased I reached out as was she.

That's lovely, I'm so pleased for you.

OllyBJolly · 07/03/2025 22:43

My DDs had a lovely step mum. She was/is a fabulous role model and very supportive of me during the difficult teenage years.

She and XH had a very acrimonious divorce yet she kept in touch. Happily she met someone else but the contact fell away- not her fault- dds went travelling, uni, moved cities.

They don't feel it would be appropriate to get in touch, but I know they would love it if she did. She was an important person in their life.

And yes, she was the OW but she loved my children and I admire her for that.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 22:34

Honeyroar · 07/03/2025 21:24

Haha, according to the op’s latest update she actually is something to her.

Fab update - so pleased for you both.

Show quote history

"Haha" not really, I've had primary school friends and an old neighbour reach out to me on social media. It was lovely to catch up and we still interact but it's really not a big thing, they're not significant people to me.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 22:30

Catpuss66 · 07/03/2025 22:07

Why would you put something like that it is just unkind. She was something to her she was involved in her life & her upbringing. Your comment says more about you as a person than ever about the OP.

so glad she reached out, & positive outcome

Show quote history

And your comment to me says a lot about you as a person.

Also it's not unkind. I had a stepmum from age 3 to 7. She doesn't mean anything to me, she's a woman that my dad was with for a few years. Yes she was involved in my life but then she left and I didn't think about her too much after that. I probably wouldn't recognise her in the street had it not been for a couple of photos I've seen from back then.

crockofshite · 07/03/2025 22:21

strangerthan · 19/02/2025 22:15

Just to be clear on timings, me and her dad broke up when she was 8but I continued to see and speak to her at least every couple of months.

He passed away when she was 12, I hadn't managed to see her for several months before this but did speak to her over the phone after he passed away and sent her a card.

She wasn't at the funeral so couldn't speak to her and my only opportunity was to ask her mum for a number or address to stay in contact but was told to stay away.

So it has only been just over 5 years and she was old enough that she would at least remember who I am. I understand that its a long time for a teenager though and that she would have changed, a lot would have happened for her since,

Why wasn't she at her dad's funeral?

You previously said she'd told you no further contact, but didn't mention the mother.

That changes things.

Bloom15 · 07/03/2025 22:17

*that's

crockofshite · 07/03/2025 22:17

Noooooo

She's already told you she doesn't want further contact.

It's really a shame because you looked after her and had a good relationship with her as a child. It's up to her to contact you if her feelings have changed.

Bloom15 · 07/03/2025 22:10

Thanks great OP

Catpuss66 · 07/03/2025 22:07

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 21:22

You're not really anything to her, I would probably just leave it. Presumably she knows how to contact you via social media if she wishes?

Why would you put something like that it is just unkind. She was something to her she was involved in her life & her upbringing. Your comment says more about you as a person than ever about the OP.

so glad she reached out, & positive outcome

Honeyroar · 07/03/2025 21:24

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 21:22

You're not really anything to her, I would probably just leave it. Presumably she knows how to contact you via social media if she wishes?

Haha, according to the op’s latest update she actually is something to her.

Fab update - so pleased for you both.

ColourBlueColourPurple · 07/03/2025 21:24

Was there a reason mum said no? If you knew the girl since she was 2 then did you get with her dad when she was a baby? Perhaps why the mum wasn't keen?