About DD and birthday party?

It would be really rude to just pick and choose bits of the party she goes to. I don't see the issue either, as she's said she wants to go to the party but you seem to be trying to persuade her that she doesn't want to go.

Are you always so full on?

Isn't it up to her to decide whether she would enjoy it or not? She may feel differently about doing with her friends rather than you. I have some sympathy for the idea of not letting down team-mates and honouring prior commitments - though for an 11yo it is important to make space for relationships and social life as well - but you deciding on her behalf that she won't enjoy it is bizarre.

I completely agree with this.
She is a little girl.
Be glad that she wants to do so many active things. If you really can’t afford it then that’s a different conversation. But I wouldn’t stop her attending a friends party for a hobby. My Dd is very sporty and has training commitments to more than one sport but I never let that stop her living a full and rounded life. Unless she’s expected to be the next Olympic champion her friends are just as important. If she was mine she’d be going to the sleepover as well.

My son did an escape room for his bday. It's quite expensive (30 per kid) so I would be miffed if a parent suddenly decided to take her daughter to another activity after having confirmed their presence...

Just what I was thinking. It's not your DD's party OP. I would find this behaviour very rude. Sounds like your DD has too much on tbh. I would try and reduce the amount of extracurricular activities; kids need downtime or they won't learn how to occupy themselves and they might burn out as well.

She wasn't keen on an escape room with family, but with a bunch of her friends it will be an entirely different experience. Plus, if she turns up after it and they're all talking about it, she's going to feel awkward and left out.

You’re saying she doesn’t enjoy escape rooms, but then she’s telling you she really wants to go! And she thinks you’re being unreasonable for not letting her. She may not have enjoyed it with family but it would be a whole new dynamic to do it with friends. Let her go!

She might enjoy the escape room more with a group of friends.

How much trampolining does she actually miss?

I'd be inclined to let her go to the party but if she really is missing lots then I'd be having a serious conversation with her about cancelling it rather than wasting money.

I’d knock the swimming on the head too so she can go to the sleepover but I know I’ll be in the minority.

Doing an escape room with your friends is totally different to doing it with your family!

What does your daughter actually want to do? If she wants to go then it's completely unreasonable of you to say no. There's no point in just going for a few hours as she'll feel left out. Whether she'll enjoy it or not is not your problem.

Apart from anything else it's pretty rude to the birthday friend to essentially pick and choose which parts of her party your dd will deign to attend, basically saying she'll grace them with her presence for a few hours if she can squeeze it in between her more important commitments...

However agree with other posters that she's old enough to explain that you can't afford to be paying for trampoline lessons she doesn't go to. How often do you pay, every term? Maybe make a list of how many she's missed and say next term, she can miss two lessons max (bar illness or family commitments), but it's up to her which ones, so she can choose whether she misses out with friends or swimming. Give her some ownership of the decision. If she struggles and wants to miss more then you won't pay for the following term.

She won't be invited to many more parties, let her go.

As others have said, it will be completely different doing it with friends compared to doing it with family.

I think afterwards you do need a chat with her about the cost of trampolining and it conflicting with other events. She is 11 so you should be able to explain to her that it is not affordable if she keeps missing it (is she keen on swimming, as you might also need to be prepared for her to then say she would rather quit swimming even if you prefer her to do that).

Let your kid be a kid. When does she have downtime with friends?

You're making a stand in the wrong place IMHO. Overally strict about the party, yet allowing her to 'insist' when it comes to the bigger and more impactful issue of continuing trampolining. If I thought an activity was inconvenient and a waste of money I'd say no to it, bit would allow my child some autonomy in choosing whether to attend a party.

She will enjoy Escape room with her friends. She will also be out of the loop if she joins the party late. If she’s year 6 there’s very few parties left, don’t make her miss it because of a hobby!

Is she in Y6? Frankly she’s lucky to be getting invited. At this age parties get very selective. I would prioritise her school relationships and time with her friends in Y6 over trampolining. You do have to kind of accept when you sign them up to extra curricular stuff that they’re not always going to be able to attend

She might not have enjoyed an escape room with family but going with friends is a different experience and she will feel really left out if her friends spend the afternoon taking about what they did before she got there.

Just because she didn't enjoy it with family doesn't mean in the excitement of a party atmosphere with friends she wouldn't either.

They'll all be talking about it after and she will have missed it.

We have the same issue with DD and sport training. Sometimes they just have to be kids and we suck up the cost of their missed training.

What about the friend though? It’s not about what your DD would enjoy most, is it.

Let her go to the escape room. She's already missing the sleepover and she will feel very excluded if she only goes for the evening, listening to the others discussing the escape room. Alternatively she misses the whole party.