Punished for 'affair'?

You can get babysitters that specialise in sen, they build up a relationship first for a while, might be worth looking into.
Typical male tactics though, you're allowed a social life he just doesn't want you to have one.

You didn't have an affair if you were separated and living in the same home. But realistically, he was probably hurt that you moved on with someone else so quickly and that is driving his unreasonable behaviour. Unfortunately, you can't force him to have the children 😕 I understand the difficulty with having a child with SEN as I'm in the same position myself. Could you introduce a caregiver/babysitter slowly and gradually with them spending time in the home with you there to start of with then leaving them for very short periods of time? It may take many months but might be worth trying it so you can have at least one reliable person you can leave the child with. I think life will be very difficult if you are the sole carer and you are at risk of complete burnout. I know because I've been there. I think it's worth persevering with trying to introduce some other carers over time if you can.

Just go out. If he’s there and you go out what’s he’s going to do?

So you had an affair while he was at home with your disabled child? Yeah if I was him I wouldn't be going out of my way to facilitate you having a life either. I'd like to think I wouldn't be a dick about it, and that I'd put my child before anything, but would I take the DC so my ex who cheated on me could have a private life? No, that'd a pretty hard sell for anyone I'd think.

As others have said you can’t make him parent the children and the family court can’t and won’t try to make him either.

All you can do is make sure you are claiming the right amount of child maintenance from him (hey, maybe point out that if he has them overnight he gets to pay less as it’s based on nights he has them and not days) and don’t rely on him for childcare or anything else other than child support payments.

He may want to punish you rightly or wrongly, but it’s never an excuse to treat the children badly by weaponising them.

Who owns / pays for the house? It sounds like to need mediation and a solicitor to get an agreement in place

@HeyDrake

You're 100% right, any relationship for any reason or no reason at all. But along with that must come the knowledge that the other party may not like you ending it. And if they decide to 'take it out on you' in some way there is usually very little you can do. Abuse and violence excepted, of course, and should be reported to the police. But a simple refusal to have the children of an evening? Nope, that's not a violation of the law, or even of a parenting agreement.

So bottom line is, there's not a damn thing you can do about him refusing to have his children. It doesn't matter whether you want to go out on the lash or go to church, legally he can't be forced to have them if he doesn't want to. It's shitty for you and it's shitty for them, but that's the way it is.

If your child has exceptional SEN, is there some sort of respite programme that might work for you? A regular sitter may not, but perhaps a programme with trained staff might.

I’m confused. You say he moved out in your OP, but later posts make it sound like you are still living together. Can you clarify?

No, you can’t make a parent look after their own children. They can refuse. I’m of the opinion that someone that disinterested in their children probably shouldn’t be spending time with them anyway.

If you want a social life you will need to pay or find someone who is able to care for DC.

It's a really common tactic to take one child and leave the other like you say, to stop you going out.

Tell him it's both or none. He'll probably say none though. Any family around?

Affair or not. You can’t make someone man or women watch children they don’t want to.

Is he doing it to punish you or as they both have such Sen that you cannot work can he just not cope? Or is it both.

Either way honestly would you want someone looking after them who doesn’t want to just to go to the pub or whatever.

You sound very self obsessed, OP. You weren't happy and you wanted the marriage to end. OK but you can't expect DH to act out the role that you want, just because you want to have fun now. It's not all about you. He's not a babysitter. I see you've ignored all the advice from pp's to just get a babysitter - maybe because of the autistic DC? This isn't going to be easy, but hopefully things will calm down with time... Good luck.

Honestly if you told him it was over then it can't even be classed as cheating he is just delusional

I mean, try to see things from his point of view for a hot minute.

You cheated on him, then told him he had to be the one to move out of your shared home when you were the one who wanted to end the relationship, and now you want him to have the kids overnight so you can go out with the person you cheated on him with.

How would you feel in his position? Are you sure you wouldn't take some satisfaction in scuppering his sex life with the other woman if you had the opportunity?

Is he still paying towards the house he's no longer allowed to live in?

Re frame it, because otherwise you sound a little self centered. He is not a babysitter. He should have the children a proportion of the time because he is a parent, and the children need him and contact with him. Not so you can go out. What you do when the children aren't with you is your business. Try to talk to him in a none judgmental manner. Whether the marriage was over or not, it's never easy to be the one who is left behind. Explain that the children love him and want to see him, and need some stability. You could even apologise for causing hurt, but that you both need to do what's best for the children. Maybe you could think about mediation or counselling to get the best for the kids. Separate it out and think about the children rather than you at this point, it's only for a short time. If he still doesn't play ball at least you have tried and you can get a baby sitter.

just because someone has an affair doesn’t mean they should be the one to leave the home. The primary carer for the DC should stay in the home, plus OP might have owned it long before her marriage for all anyone knows. It sounds like the marriage was dead in the water long before the affair.

Not much you can do about him not having his DC. Does leave you in a difficult situation though. Is the home schooling permanent or until you get the right provision? Makes it very difficult for you to work with DC not in school.

Can I make him realise that I have the right to a private life and time to myself? Can I go to court and could they enforce this?

No. It's not up to your ex to facilitate your social life. Contact is to promote the relationship with the non resident parent, not to give the resident parent a life. You don't have a 'right' to a private life in the sense that he or anyone has to facilitate it. I had no life for at least 5 years when my DC were small, still limited now they're teens, that's what it's like.

How did you have an affair if your DC don't go to school or a babysitter?

If it were a man posting this he'd have his arse handed to him. You had an affair, but he had to leave. Now you're annoyed at the time he's spending with the dc because it impacts on your social life....
He's not coming off well here, but neither are you.

Why on earth would op do this?

If the shoe was on the other foot then the op would be accused of using her children as a pawn because her ex hurt her and would get told to put her children first. Just like this man should be doing.

Why didn't you just end it BEFORE you had an affair???
You say your marriage was already over ...clearly your husband didn't think so!
He's hurting!!
He doesn't know how to deal with it ..he's trying to stop you for continuing seeing this "other man" ....you married him, you obviously loved him at some point so have some compassion
What if the shoe was on the other foot????

Unfortunately an affair will often change the dynamics of the separation. If you only cheated last year there is a good chance he is still traumatised - cheating causes a form of ptsd in some betrayed people. Cheating changes the way you see someone - good will disappears. There’s a book called ‘cheating in a nutshell’ by Mitchell and Mitchell, this may help you understand how he now sees you.

You may have thought it was dead, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he thinks your behaviour was poor. Now he is pissed off and has found a way to annoy you while spending quality one on one time with the kids during the day. The kids may appreciate one on one time with each of you.

You need to assume he won’t ever have both in the evening and organise a baby sitter.

Random question but have you apologised to him for cheating and made it clear you were out of order?