Is it really that common to be a grandparent in your late 40s?

As a midwife, it definitely is true that older mums face more challenges health wise with pregnancy compared to a mum in their 20s. We should stop pretending that it's healthy for most women to be having babies in their mid 40s. It shouldn't be the norm for people in their 40s to be running around after toddlers while at the same time caring for parents in their 80s. I think we have it backwards. Just my personal opinion.

Good comment.

When it comes to the older mum superiority complex on here I cant stand how thinly veiled it is "oh young grandmas are only in deprived areas" "oh I don't know ANYONE who had a child before 30"
Its just a way of bragging that they think being a young mum is peasant behaviour that they have no interaction with in the high and mighty circles they move in haha.

I'd rather them just clearly say what they actually think of us.

Personally yes, it was a mixture of wealthy parents meaning I graduated without debt (from my degree and postgrad studies) combined with stellar academics meaning DH and I could both walk into high paying careers. And then living within our means (while still having fun and travelling) so we could save up and buy a house. Oh and me picking a career that while well paid was also very accommodating to part time working.

Hence, it's rather bizarre to imply young mums are all silly or irresponsible or "lower class". I didn't want to spend multiple decades partying, I wanted to start a family and I made sure we were in a good position to do so. I had plenty of fun along the way, but I didn't need many decades of hedonism before I started a family. It's fine if others did, but it doesn't make me (or countless mums like me) in any way "lesser".

(Sorry, that was meant to quote @BruFord )

I think my mum’s generation ( she’s in her 80s ) age 45 to early 50s would be average age to become a grandparent .
Nowadays it’s more like 60ish to become a first time grandparent.
If I saw a woman who appeared to be mid forties with such a young child I’d probably think at first she was a relative or friend of the family rather than the child’s mother.
I wouldn’t think she was the grandmother though ?

I'm not sure, it was just something that I noticed in my own family and when out and about. Older parents not so bothered about melt downs in public etc. So yes you've probably made a good point.

@Crushed23 that's great for you....but you had one year of that. Most people have to work regardless of whether they have children or not. For me, it wouldn't have been worth the sacrife for one gap year. Having children young has meant having much more freedom in my 40's and I can retire earlier.....and whilst the experience are different to your 20's, I absolutely love it and wouldn't change a thing. I too believe there are both pros and cons to having children younger and older and there's no right way. I was just pointing out that what you said is not necessarily true for everyone.

Is it that they’re “traditional”, or are they worried about other people’s judgement should they dare to be seen as “too soft”? People judge young parents for their children’s behaviour far more harshly than they do older parents.

I myself am a former teen parent (horror! I’m surprised I’m allowed a MN account!) with two degrees and a masters. I’m not a unicorn either. From the top of my head, I personally know six women who also had children when young and have the same (or higher) education level as me, and another three that I know of. I know that it’s not the “norm”, but it’s not unheard of.

None of this changes the fact that the average age for a woman to have her first baby is 29-31. (In the UK.) And the vast majority of 'professionals' are NOT leaving it to 42-43 to have their first, like some posters on here are making out.

As I stated in my last post, I know DOZENS of highly educated, professional women who had their first baby between mid 20s and mid 30s... . So you can go on about all this 'women become mums younger if they're uneducated' jargon, but it doesn't mean lots of women who are 'educated professionals,' are 41-42+ when they have their first baby. The vast majority are not.

The vast VAST majority of professional, well-educated women will have their first baby by their mid-late 30s... Some in their 20s. (Despite some posters claiming all of their 'highly educated, professional, social circle' started having babies at 42+! 🙄)

Personally (as a number of posters have said,) I can't think of many things worse than having a baby in my early to mid 40s! Having children still at school when I'm in my 60s!!!!! Fuck that! 😱

Interesting, as I everyone I know who had children in our twenties were very much took a gentle parenting approach. We pretty much all co slept, did extended Bf and baby led weaning etc.

It's interesting that the young parents I know are quite traditional whereas the older ones are all about gentle parenting, co-sleeping etc.

I would be unsure whether you were mum or nan as you’re on the older side to be a mum to a 3 year old, but the younger side to be nan to a 3 year old.

My mum was a grandmother at 47. She had my brother at 19 and me at 22. I had my first at 25. Looking back I was young I suppose, but we had been together for 6 years, been to uni, were settled in good careers and had bought our own house.

Oh I see, sorry I thought you meant not have to work / be able to travel the world by 'do whatever I like', because my post was about that specifically. I took a gap year in my 20s and it was because I had no responsibilities and could just quit my job, end the lease of the flat I was renting, pack my bags and hop on a one-way flight. If I had had a mortgage and two toddlers that would have been nigh-on impossible to do. Similarly, I moved country last year in my mid-30s and while there was a mortgage to worry about, not having children to consider made the move a lot, lot easier. The downside is that if I do decide to have a baby (very much on the fence atm!), I'll be looking after it in my 40s and 50s. But for me that's preferable to giving up my freedom in my 20s, as I don't think you can re-create some experiences in your 40s and 50s.
Anyway, it's all about personal preference - there really is no right or wrong way to do things. :)

Yup that's the plan, have them ready to leave at or around 18. I think it's normal for people that age to desire independence and that's certainly what we intend to foster.

Where I live most mums of young children are about 30-45, and grandparents nearly always 60+. If you see young kids out with a woman in her 20s, she almost certainly will be the nanny as opposed to the mum.

@Louise121806 I guess it depends on your circumstances; we did need a fairly hefty deposit, so it took us a while! It worked out long-term, our kids are just a bit younger than yours :-).

@BruFord you didn't need a big deposit back then. We both worked full time and I was fortunate enough to get full maternity pay.

....can't quite retire yet 😅 but I certainly would have been worse off if I'd have gone straight to uni from college and had a gap year. It's not rare in my circle of friends, most had children in 20's or early 30's and still have established careers. Although I accept times have changed a lot in the last 20 years and the cost of property and childcare fees are a lot more expensive.

@Louise121806 I know I'm being nosy, but how did you afford a house in your mid-20's? DH and I (early 50's) couldn't until our early 30's despite good salaries. Mind you, we were coping with student debt as well.

It's far worse now, of course.

Congratulations, it's a great achievement to be able to retire in your 40s especially after having raised multiple children (heard they were expensive! 😅). But as I say in my post, yours is an unusual and very lucky position to be in. Although it's not luck really, is it, you've obviously worked very hard. I'm child-free and would be nowhere near being able to retire in my early 40s.

@Crushed23 not sure about that. I'm early 40's with two adult children. Bought my house in my mid 20's and have 24 years of pension contributions and can do whatever I like. Can't imagine starting a family now.

I'm 47, I think I would generally think they're DD not GDD. I only personally know two people my age who are grandmothers, both had their first child at about 17/18

Just as some people think parenting is easier in your 20s, so is being adventurous and travelling the world. A gap year at 25 when you have bags of energy and no responsibilities is much, much easier to do than a gap year at 45. Part of the problem is that children don't stop costing you once they turn 18, which is why you get very few people who had children young being able to retire early in their 40s and 50s.

If you're able to have super independent and ambitious children who all leave home at 18 and become financially and emotionally independent, and you've been financially successful and savvy while raising children so that you have a healthy pension in your 40s, then you can certainly enjoy early retirement and travel the world without worrying about looking after children. But I would say that is a very unusual (and lucky!) position to be in.

Haven't RTFT but another consideration might be where you live / your socio-economic group. I live in a major global city and virtually everyone moved here (as opposed to being born / grew up here) so they live nowhere near their parents. Grandparents aren't relied on for childcare therefore you wouldn't expect to see a toddler with their grandparent out and about, in the supermarket, etc. If a toddler is with a middle-aged guardian (rather than a nanny), the guardian is almost certainly their parent.

@yesoldermum

It sounds like things worked out well for you, that's great. I do think there's an issue in our society today where we consider people in their early 20s to still be children.

I personally love being a mum, I agree with you it's very physical and I would rather tackle that when younger, and then live out some more freedom when I'm in my late 40s/early 50s and enjoy that with my older kids and grandkids. Each to their own.