Is it really that common to be a grandparent in your late 40s?

AntiHop · 2025-02-19T16:09:55+00:00

A few times recently, people have made the incorrect assumption that my 3 year old dd is my grandchild. I'm 47. This really surprises me, as in my social group, and my family, no one has become a grandparent at that age. Not a single one of my friends had their kids in their 20s. (I have met people who've had kids in their 20s since becoming a parent myself.) I definitely don't look older than I am. I'm lucky that my skin is doing well. If you lined me up with the friends of my age, you'd guess we are all 47ish. Perhaps people perceive me we older as so many people have cosmetic procedures now, changing the perception of what someone looks like at my age? I do appreciate that I'm an older mum. Of the friends I grew up with, several of them had babies after my three year old was born. This is nor meant to be a debate about the rights and wrongs of being an older mum. I'm just curious to know - if you saw a 47 year old with a 3 year old, would you assume that's the grandmother without it crossing your mind that she could be the mother?

NavyTurtle · 05/03/2025 16:47

I became a grandmother at 40 (shocked) - my daughter was 22. I then became a great grandmother at 60. I have been told I look in my 50s. Keep myself tidy. Work full time etc. Took my granddaughter to the hospital once, she was about 17 at the time, about 8 years ago, they thought I was her mum.

madamweb · 23/02/2025 11:56

Babycatsarenice · 23/02/2025 11:52

OP thanks for sharing your story. The reality is for a lot of older mothers things in life delayed us and we seem to get judged for making a decision to party and be selfish then do it too late. I appreciate that some posters said some silly things about "deprivation" about younger mums but some posters really smuggly have laid into us olders on this threaf and then denied that they did.

I am not judging people who are older mothers, what ever the reason. But it is absolutely fair for us to push back when a thread is full of slurs on the character and parenting ability of younger mothers

Babycatsarenice · 23/02/2025 11:52

OP thanks for sharing your story. The reality is for a lot of older mothers things in life delayed us and we seem to get judged for making a decision to party and be selfish then do it too late. I appreciate that some posters said some silly things about "deprivation" about younger mums but some posters really smuggly have laid into us olders on this threaf and then denied that they did.

ValentineValentineV · 22/02/2025 17:20

JohnTheRevelator · 22/02/2025 17:09

Ha ha ha I didn't realise that being a teen parent could be a barrier to having a Mumsnet account! Guilty as charged!

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I’ve sneakily managed to open a mumsnet account too!

JohnTheRevelator · 22/02/2025 17:09

GretchenWienersHair · 21/02/2025 16:46

I myself am a former teen parent (horror! I’m surprised I’m allowed a MN account!) with two degrees and a masters. I’m not a unicorn either. From the top of my head, I personally know six women who also had children when young and have the same (or higher) education level as me, and another three that I know of. I know that it’s not the “norm”, but it’s not unheard of.

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Ha ha ha I didn't realise that being a teen parent could be a barrier to having a Mumsnet account! Guilty as charged!

thornbury · 22/02/2025 16:55

My mum became a grandmother at 44, in 1991. My MIL became a grandmother aged 74, in 1997. I'm nearly 57 and not one yet, thank goodness.

Sapphireblueeyes · 22/02/2025 16:52

I was 40 when I had my first grandchild

BruFord · 22/02/2025 15:46

@AntiHop Like many people, finances determined when you decided to have children, which is completely understandable.

Younger posters may not remember how devastating the 2008 crash was- I certainly do as DS was born that autumn and we were terrified that we might lose our jobs. If we’d been TTC then, we’d have waited too.

No one knows what life’s going to throw at them and ensuring that you can provide for your children is very important. I’m so glad that you had your family in the end. 💐

Original poster

AntiHop · 22/02/2025 14:27

A genuine thank you to the non snarky posters. Now I realise how common it is, I won't be offended or baffled next time.

OP posts:

Original poster

AntiHop · 22/02/2025 14:26

Seeing as my thread had turned into a bun fight, I shall share my story about why I waited until my 40s to have my second child.

Dh and I have been together since our late 20s. In my early 30s, we were definitely ready to start a family. But the 2008 economic crash had a huge impact on our personal circumstances, so we were suddenly no longer in a financial position to start a family. I was gutted, as I was so broody.

Based on what happened in 2008, I then decided to retrain, to give us a more secure future. After establishing myself in my new career, I got pregnant on the second month of trying aged 36.

The only way we could afford to have a second child was to relocate. So we did that and I had to move jobs. New job was a horrendous nightmare. So I moved jobs again. We started TTC. At this point I'm 42. Covid happened. We decided to keep trying. A few months down the line, I got pregnant, miscarried, then pregnant again straight away. I was 43 when she was born.

So in an ideal world, I would have had both kids sooner. We knew that we might not conceive a second one, but we took that risk of waiting whilst we relocated and I moved jobs.

For my own personal circumstances, I'm glad I didn't have a baby with any of the guys I met in my 20s. They were all problematic relationships for one reason or another. And I probably would have ended up in private rented forever due to my financial circumstances at the time.

I'm very glad I met my dh and have a family with him, even though we're older than I would have hoped.

OP posts:

madamweb · 22/02/2025 12:56

Gogogo12345 · 22/02/2025 09:34

But you appreciate being able to travel more when you are older. I'm 53 my kids are grown and I'm currently travelling in Asia.

Also when I had my kids I didn't feel as though I was " missing out" on stuff as I had never had it. So now I do I appreciate it more

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I dont think there's a right or wrong age to travel. I also find it strange people are acting like you can't travel with children. I've been all over Europe and beyond with mine.
I realise cost can be a constraint but equally there are ways to do it more cheaply. We often stay with family/friends for at least some of the time.

Gogogo12345 · 22/02/2025 09:34

Crushed23 · 21/02/2025 15:02

Just as some people think parenting is easier in your 20s, so is being adventurous and travelling the world. A gap year at 25 when you have bags of energy and no responsibilities is much, much easier to do than a gap year at 45. Part of the problem is that children don't stop costing you once they turn 18, which is why you get very few people who had children young being able to retire early in their 40s and 50s.

If you're able to have super independent and ambitious children who all leave home at 18 and become financially and emotionally independent, and you've been financially successful and savvy while raising children so that you have a healthy pension in your 40s, then you can certainly enjoy early retirement and travel the world without worrying about looking after children. But I would say that is a very unusual (and lucky!) position to be in.

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But you appreciate being able to travel more when you are older. I'm 53 my kids are grown and I'm currently travelling in Asia.

Also when I had my kids I didn't feel as though I was " missing out" on stuff as I had never had it. So now I do I appreciate it more

user1471516498 · 22/02/2025 01:20

One of my cousins became a Nana at age 31, a year younger than I was when I became a mother. I was the oldest person ever in my family to have a child at age 32.

LondonLawyer · 22/02/2025 01:13

Lots of things work out wonderfully, and differently, for different women / couples / families. I agree with you @couldabutdidnt - I had my older son aged 27, younger son when I was 36, DH and I travelled a fair bit together and acquired post-grad qualifications and enjoy our jobs, sons and life together. My sister had her son just before she turned 40, she's also happy and healthy, and so is her gorgeous son.

LondonLawyer · 22/02/2025 01:11

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 21/02/2025 17:39

As a midwife, it definitely is true that older mums face more challenges health wise with pregnancy compared to a mum in their 20s. We should stop pretending that it's healthy for most women to be having babies in their mid 40s. It shouldn't be the norm for people in their 40s to be running around after toddlers while at the same time caring for parents in their 80s. I think we have it backwards. Just my personal opinion.

I am in my mid 40s, and intending to spend some of tomorrow running around after a toddler, but TBF he's my nephew, my own older son is at uni, my younger aged 10 is having a lads' weekend with DH, and my Mum's 75.

couldabutdidnt · 21/02/2025 22:45

This entire thread is steeped with implicit judgement, I think.

Someone above actually said they were ‘delighted’ with themselves for having kids young. People saying they’ll actually get to know their grandkids and have energy for for toddlers. It’s probably all true but said in such an implicitly judgemental way that’s rightly getting backs up. There’s horrible stuff about younger mums too with people implying/stating they’re less educated and living in deprived areas. Women pitted against women.

I had kids at 36 and 40 and do often feel on balance I left it too late. It’s a big regret of mine and I think it’s a beautiful thing to have kids young. But it’s pros and cons each way. With kids, I wouldn’t have had my hedonistic 20s, balls to the wall careering early 30s, intense friendships/hobbies, exciting dates with a carousel of hot men, moving to a new city on a whim every few years (no school to worry about!) and just general selfishness and spontaneity. Yet, knowing what I know now, I’d likely trade it all in for more good years with my kids. Would be an absolute blast doing travel as a gran in your 40s with grandkids and disposable income. It’s just amazing that many women have carved out great careers (faaaar better than mine, hello Angela Rayner!) with young motherhood and all the fun and energy that entails. It’s pros and cons both ways.

Crushed23 · 21/02/2025 21:45

BIossomtoes · 21/02/2025 20:19

I don't think you can re-create some experiences in your 40s and 50s.

Backpacking round grotty hostels held as little appeal for me in my 20s as it does now. It’s not an experience I’d have wanted at any age. I did enjoy travelling to places I’d always wanted to see in comfort, even a degree of luxury, in my 40s having left my 20 something child at home.

Fair enough. I personally LOVED the backpacking / hostel scene in my 20s, genuinely some of my best memories and where I made tonnes of friends from around the world that I'm still in touch with. Oh, and you've just got to choose your hostels wisely - many are far from grotty! 😝

madamweb · 21/02/2025 20:59

Stai · 21/02/2025 19:56

Can’t people just live and let live? There’s so much judgement here. Nobody is forcing you to have a baby at 20 or 40. Some can’t imagine doing it young and some can’t imagine doing it old. Our bodies can have babies for as long as we are fertile, so unless we are talking about underage sex, just let people crack on with their choices. Why is motherhood so criticised, especially by other mothers?

Noone has judged older mums. We've said that biologically its a higher risk. We haven't anywhere judged their parenting skills or implied their are "grim" or only to be found in "deprived" areas

BIossomtoes · 21/02/2025 20:19

I don't think you can re-create some experiences in your 40s and 50s.

Backpacking round grotty hostels held as little appeal for me in my 20s as it does now. It’s not an experience I’d have wanted at any age. I did enjoy travelling to places I’d always wanted to see in comfort, even a degree of luxury, in my 40s having left my 20 something child at home.

Stai · 21/02/2025 19:56

Can’t people just live and let live? There’s so much judgement here. Nobody is forcing you to have a baby at 20 or 40. Some can’t imagine doing it young and some can’t imagine doing it old. Our bodies can have babies for as long as we are fertile, so unless we are talking about underage sex, just let people crack on with their choices. Why is motherhood so criticised, especially by other mothers?

BruFord · 21/02/2025 18:40

madamweb · 21/02/2025 17:17

Personally yes, it was a mixture of wealthy parents meaning I graduated without debt (from my degree and postgrad studies) combined with stellar academics meaning DH and I could both walk into high paying careers. And then living within our means (while still having fun and travelling) so we could save up and buy a house. Oh and me picking a career that while well paid was also very accommodating to part time working.

Hence, it's rather bizarre to imply young mums are all silly or irresponsible or "lower class". I didn't want to spend multiple decades partying, I wanted to start a family and I made sure we were in a good position to do so. I had plenty of fun along the way, but I didn't need many decades of hedonism before I started a family. It's fine if others did, but it doesn't make me (or countless mums like me) in any way "lesser".

(Sorry, that was meant to quote @BruFord )

Edited

@madamweb My DH will be 60 when he pays off his postgraduate loans. 😂

It’s personal choice to pay them slowly, because he can make the money work better for him and they certainly got him into the right career. But it’s weird that our children will be through university well before they’re paid! Mine are paid, thank goodness, I can’t stand debt.

Beautifulweeds · 21/02/2025 18:09

I know a couple of women who are grandmothers in their 30s! This is rare but in some places it's not uncommon. I'm an older Mum too,fortunately haven't had anyone assuming I'm a GP, well not said anyway lol. Xx

Rosenkohle · 21/02/2025 17:46

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 21/02/2025 17:39

As a midwife, it definitely is true that older mums face more challenges health wise with pregnancy compared to a mum in their 20s. We should stop pretending that it's healthy for most women to be having babies in their mid 40s. It shouldn't be the norm for people in their 40s to be running around after toddlers while at the same time caring for parents in their 80s. I think we have it backwards. Just my personal opinion.

I agree with that

Don't forget the perimenopause and menopause affecting women in their 40s too!

couldabutdidnt · 21/02/2025 17:43

God this thread is peak mumsnet smugness from both sides of the debate - older and younger mothers alike.

HuckleberryBlackcurrant · 21/02/2025 17:42

I think it would be an absolute nightmare for me personally to have a young child in my 40s. I'm 32 and my youngest is almost 2 and I'm hoping by the time I'm 48 or so to be done rearing my children and enjoying an empty nest.

I'm excited to be able to have the energy to engage with my grandkids.

I know this isn't the same path everyone takes but I'm delighted with our choice to have children while we were younger and more energetic. More years to enjoy the ones we love.

My husband's grandma became a great grandmother at 63ish. Her oldest great grandchild is now 8 and she may feasibly be able to enjoy a few years with her great great grandchildren.

By contrast, my grandfather didn't become a great grandfather until he was 93. It's incredible what a difference this makes in the lives of the succeeding generations.