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Original poster

Daughter’s friend acts like a twat

231 replies

outthereandbeyond · 19/02/2025 13:31

I’m failing as a parent here because I really don’t know where the boundary is.

my DD (8) has a friend (8) who really behaves badly, like all the time. On play dates, she is rude, never says please/thank you, throws things, breaks things (in my house) will have meltdowns and cry literally like a baby over the smallest things. Demands food then won’t eat it, defies rules when we’re together. Just everything annoying you could possibley think of in a child.

I’m ADHD, single mum & can get triggered when im overwhelmed. She came over for a play date yesterday and pushed me beyond my limits. I get a splitting headache whenever she’s around.

the mum is a good friend of mine, and I’ve tried speaking to her about it and suggesting small edits to how we parent in the pretence that we’re both fumbling through this journey. For example I suggest encouraging her to model using word when daughter cries instead of tears, or encouring our children to put on their own shoes (this child refuses to get dressed alone). My friend insists that my daughter is just as bad (she really isn’t) but I say yeah yeah, so as not to offend and to let them be as they’re finding their way in the world. I just disagree with this and feel that the girl plays up because the mum never models good behaviour.

Here is where everyone will shoot me…, my friend says she suspects her now to be SEN/autistic which would make sense - only SUSPECTS, not diagnosed. My daughter IS diagnosed with SEN.

But now my daughter accepts this awful behaviour when they’re on play dates and I don’t think my daughter should be putting up with this. One time this girl refused to wipe her bum after a poo and asked me to do it (our house). I explained that I wasn’t going to touch her body as it was private and that she ought to wipe herself or pull up her pants and deal with it at home. She screamed and cried for me to do it but I kindly declined as o didn’t think it was right to touch her, after all I wouldn’t be comfortable with someone doing it to my daughter at 8. After a few minutes all was quiet. When I went to check, my daughter, was wiping her bum for her. I pulled daughter aside and said ‘honey. That’s not your responsibility but your friends’ but my daughter said she would do it as she has special needs (not diagnosed, mind).

I told the mum and she said she thought it was fine as that’s what friends should do…. 🤯

help me, I want to guide my daughter and I don’t think she should be putting up with this in a friendship.

if I am wrong then please tell me gently.

OP posts:
AnnaMagnani · 19/02/2025 14:06

Your DD needs a bit of help understanding friendship.

It sounds like she thinks she should wipe her friends bum as she needs to be kind to her friend.

She needs support understanding friends don't ask for unreasonable things and don't get upset when you say no.

alwaysdeleteyourcookies · 19/02/2025 14:04

YABU to put up with this and making your daughter having to as well. She shouldn't have to so you can keep a friendship.

Likewhatever · 19/02/2025 14:02

Tell the friend that you want them to take a break from each other as they aren’t gelling and it’s leading to conflict. You don’t need to say any more than that. Don’t be pushed, just reiterate, “I really think they need a break from each other”. “No I don’t think a play date is a good idea at the moment” “let’s leave it for a bit shall we?” and more of the same.

BigHeadBertha · 19/02/2025 14:00

I agree with those who say this is not a good friend choice for your daughter. It's very kind to want to help other children along but I'd draw the limit when it comes at too high of a price to your own kid.

Cutting off unsuitable friends also teaches your daughter a valuable life lesson, in my opinion. This will become a crucial thing for her to be able to recognize those who are not good influences and avoid them when she reaches her teen years.

Hwi · 19/02/2025 13:59

Cut contact. There are some nice SEN and AU children, we were blessed to have many of them as my dc friends from school, they were like fresh air, seriously and there were some destructive types - one boy kept throttling children (for real) and we never knew the reason why. So we naturally did not ever invite him and had no contact with him outside of school. Cut contact completely, not your child, not your problem, but it will become your problem through your child if this contact continues.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 19/02/2025 13:58

YABU for keeping having the kid over. Stop doing that.

Sasannach · 19/02/2025 13:56

You can only change what you can control. You can't expect to influence your friend's parenting or control the child's behaviour. What you can do is start to limit or stop having the child in your home.

Duckyfondant · 19/02/2025 13:56

You should have called the mum when she needed help wiping her bum. And explain that she needs to visit with her daughter in future because you aren't comfortable providing that level of care. I can see why your daughter helped, bless her.

Fluffyholeysocks · 19/02/2025 13:51

Just stop the play dates. You don't need to analyse why she behaves badly or whether she does/does not have SEN. It's not doing your DD any favours to witness this behaviour.

hydriotaphia · 19/02/2025 13:47

Well, rightly or wrongly you don't like the child and it's making you angry. So stop having them over. Encourage other friendships. I think there probably is a version of the story which is more sympathetic to the other girl, but it's not really relevant if playdates are driving you to your limit.

HarperStern · 19/02/2025 13:46

Yes, easily solved by no longer having her over. I had a similar situation when my dc were young but it was complicated by child's older sibling and my older dd also being good friends (and the sister was no trouble at all) - unfortunately I couldn't invite one without the other. If that hadn't been the case, I would have stopped having the problematic child round in a heartbeat.

The friendship was no good for dd and ended rather horribly halfway through year 6 - if only it could have been sooner.

Porcuporpoise · 19/02/2025 13:45

Either don't invite her over (maybe go for joint meet ups away from the house) or she comes and you lay down the rules as you see fit ie no giving in to demands for food unless you were planning to offer it anyway, reminders about please and thank you.
You could also try and encourage other friendships.

PaintCatsPaint · 19/02/2025 13:44

The getting your daughter to wipe her bum for her thing would be an absolute line in the sand for me. It sounds like your daughter is being ground down by this, too. Time for some distance from both your friend and her daughter. ‘That’s what friends do?!’. That is howling mad.

BlueSilverCats · 19/02/2025 13:42

To be fair, now that I think about it, I would cool the friendship period , as she's introducing dangerous ideas to your DD, like the bum wiping, by friends or unrelated adults

baileys6904 · 19/02/2025 13:41

TomatoSandwiches · 19/02/2025 13:37

Also, please don't call an 8yr old a twat, it sounds like they likely have some sort of SEN and if that's the case you are being disgusting and even if no SEN the child is a product of her parenting so really your friend is the twat not an innocent 8yr old fgs.

She didn't call the child a twat. She has said she's behaving like one. There's a big difference

Bollihobs · 19/02/2025 13:40

Of all the issues and problems raised on here this has got to be one of the easiest to solve: no more play dates, no together time outside school unless other mother present. And encourage your DD in other friendships.

UninterestingFirstPost · 19/02/2025 13:39

Don’t invite the child. Don’t accept invites for your daughter. It’s not a healthy friendship. You don’t mention whether they are at school together.

AmeliaTangfastic · 19/02/2025 13:39

You need to either be a lot more direct with your friend or stop having her round.

My dd has a rude friend (they are both suspected ND), but I just never have her round without her mum being there (she is my friend too)

Sunnydiary · 19/02/2025 13:38

No more play dates at all.

Can you invite some better behaved friends? I wouldn’t want this child in my house at all, especially as her mother has zero respect.

BlueSilverCats · 19/02/2025 13:38

Don't have her over anymore, unless her mother is there.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/02/2025 13:37

Also, please don't call an 8yr old a twat, it sounds like they likely have some sort of SEN and if that's the case you are being disgusting and even if no SEN the child is a product of her parenting so really your friend is the twat not an innocent 8yr old fgs.

MounjaroOnMyMind · 19/02/2025 13:37

I'm with the others - stop having her to your house. Limit the times your daughter goes to her house. Encourage your daughter to make other friends.

Maray1967 · 19/02/2025 13:37

Yes, I think if it’s this bad, just stop them.

DS1 had a very sulky friend who would sit on the stairs and refuse to join the others and claim they were bullying him. After listening carefully I realised that the others were telling the truth - he just wanted everything his way, his turn all the time etc. When he sulked off to the stairs again I grabbed my phone and said that I’d call his mum to pick him up as he clearly wasn’t happy. He shot back in the room as fast as anything.

He was never quite as bad afterwards but I was very happy when they went to different secondary schools.

purplecorkheart · 19/02/2025 13:36

I would stop having that child over first of all. If they want to carry on with the friendship meet in a neutral place like a park.

MzHz · 19/02/2025 13:36

Oh just stop having her! That’s made my head ache just reading it.

you have the patience of a saint! I’d have binned that the first time she was rude to me.

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