Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how to get him interested in sex again?

56 replies

thisisausernamethanks · 19/02/2025 12:48

Deliberately click bait title, but I am genuinely frustrated and keen for advice.

Will try to give the important points.

My partner (male) and I (female) have been together about 20 months. Living together about 6 months. Both have (had?) a high sex drive and discussed early on it being an important part of our relationship. However it has been dwindling for the last 10 months or so (before we moved in together even). No kids on either side.

There have been a lot of stresses in our lives - work stress, personal bits such as health scares, and discussions around starting a family (me keen, he's not ready). He has confirmed though that he's not worried about it happening accidentally before he's ready etc so that side of things (avoiding sex because it might lead to accidental pregnancy) is not playing a role. But the whole thing generally might be adding stress. I do get the various stresses at play..

But even when things have been good and pretty low stress for us of a day or weekend, he's just not as interested in it anymore and it's both frustrating me and upsetting me.

I'm not remotely concerned it's because he's getting it elsewhere, so please don't flag that as a reason.

He's admitted similar has happened in past relationships and he's even mentioned it when he's had therapy (in the past) and he basically believes it's at least partially because now we've been together long enough for the spark/honeymoon phase to fade a bit and it's basically always available so he wants it less! I appreciate him being honest but ofc this hurts. He also has ADHD so I know that there's issues with needing more excitement/dopamine hits etc.

Objective points - I have put on a bit of weight (size 10-12 before, now comfortably a 12). So has he. But I am still attracted to him just as much. He has not mentioned weight but said he's still attracted to him. We've probably stopped "dating" as much - making an effort to go out as much, he's obviously seeing me more often in casual clothes/no make up etc..

I swing between thinking I should try making more of an effort/nice underwear, being suggestive/spontaneous when he's not expecting it (which I have not really tried yet, as I've been rejected too much when casually trying in bed of an evening - scared to make an actual effort dressing up and THEN getting rejected!) vs thinking "f-you" and wanting to make zero effort, maybe intentionally doing the whole "treat em mean, keep em keen" thing? I don't know.

To add, we have discussed it and he's just being a bit useless and saying he doesn't know what he/we should do to improve things. He seems to think that a spark will just reignite with zero effort!? (Well, he's suggesting a holiday to reconnect, which we have now got planned, but what happens after that!?) He also has a mindset that there's nothing less sexy than planning sex .. he thinks he should only have sex when he's turned on and wants it then and there and is expecting/wanting/waiting for that to happen first - vs me thinking you can start things up without that and THEN the urge comes etc..

Grateful for any advice!

OP posts:
Katemax82 · 19/02/2025 13:23

Try ashwaganda supplements..they make my husband want it more

ForeverPombear · 19/02/2025 13:21

You've only been together 20 months, you aren't years and years in. If you aren't compatible sexually do you really want it to be like this forever?

Original poster
thisisausernamethanks · 19/02/2025 13:15

To add, the affection and "intimacy" in other ways such as kisses (pecks though...not French kisses!) and cuddles, cuddled up on sofa/in bed etc is still there...

I think also we're both being a bit crap with practical things like eating too much crap watching TV on the sofa and being too full/sleepy for it often at night. We've had sex of an evening genuinely I think once in months and months...it's usually weekend lazy morning lazy sex now..

It's dropped to maybe twice a month from multiple times a day (early days then I appreciate). I think we'd both be happy with a few times a week.

OP posts:
BansheeOfTheSouth · 19/02/2025 13:05

Sounds like he's just no longer interested. It's not been years, it's been months. Move back out and move on. Why bend yourself in knots to please a man that's not making an effort? He doesn't want children either.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/02/2025 13:01

I think my advice really depends on how much it’s dropped. I do think it’s normal for it to decrease in long term relationships, especially when you factor in work/life/health/stress, and as he says the excitement factor does die off a bit, when you see each other once a week you’ll typically always have sex when you see each other whereas when you’re together 24/7 you don’t, we definitely don’t have sex as much as we used to when we were in the honeymoon period of dating! But we do still have regular sex and both happy with it- you do go through peaks and troughs.

Catza · 19/02/2025 12:53

No advise as I could have written this myself. The truth is that we ended up breaking up after it became abundantly clear that we very much were just flatmates and my partner has simply lost interest (which he did admit after me sitting him down for a serious conversation after three years of giving me excuses about stress and promises that things will get better).