Jealous MIL

Utterly disgraceful that you are exploiting your mother’s in this way! “Can’t afford” just means you’re not willing to compromise your lifestyle, or change your spending habits, so instead you expect others to take on your responsibilities. It’s jaw-dropping.

YABU to pass your child around like a toy.

YANBU to tell your MIL 'no to Tuesdays' and 'your jealousy isn't my problem.'

The shift patterns the OP and partner work don't really fit in that well with the hours of most childcare settings don't know if anyone has noticed that little problem.

@HexagonSun your reply is well explained and I do know where you're coming from. I take it you aren't a teacher? Sorry just a small gripe of mine when people call themselves a teacher when they aren't a qualified teacher and they mean 'nursery assistant' or 'nursery leader'

I think you have quite an unrealistic idea of nurseries. The staff there don't do much running and talk to each other more than to the children. I have successfully used nurseries and there are advantages depending on the age but you could certainly do better than the staff of a nursery at least some of the time if you love the child and have an emotional connection.

I’m a nursery teacher who has worked in several different private nurseries, and I want to reassure you that grandparents are (usually) far better people to provide childcare than any private nursery or child minder.

This is absolute bollocks. There is no world where aging grandparents could have looked after my daughter any better than the nursery she was at.

I'm 50 and could conceivably be a grandparent. I wouldn't be anywhere near as decent at providing regular childcare for a toddler as someone whose job it was to do so. I don't have the energy.

I see quite a few grandparents round my way looking after young children (we live across from a park) and neither they nor the children look happy about it.

Absolutely not. That would mean that she had your daughter 2 days a week while you only had her for one day a week.

So when does mil actually want the second day ?
is it the Tuesday when you’re off?
mid so she’s being a bit daft … this is precious time for you

Completely agree. We have no child care whatsoever. They're in school full days now, so we take a day off sometimes to actually get time on our own together. I get jealous when I see all of these devoted grandparents on the school runs! There is only dh, and I.

I do however get your point op, and maybe having no help is actually less stressful in a way! Maybe if I was in your situation, I would want to go back to mine. You can not please everybody, I think you have to do what suits you in this scenario, and what will happens with MIL as a result is out of your control.

YANBU.

I think your best options are;

1. Tell mil you're sorry but that's just how it's got to go OR
2. Change the Tuesday day off to a different day off

For what it's worth, it doesn't sound at all like you're being entitled and taking the piss, it sounds like both grandparents really want to help and have time with your child and that's nice, and if that is the case then you shouldn't feel bad for taking them up on it. However it's not reasonable for your mil to try to take 1 of your 2 days with your child, even if she is helping by giving free childcare. But I agree that it's fair for her partner to want to keep Sundays free for them to have their family time.

I think if it was me I'd try for option 2 of changing the day off, seems like a fairly simple solution (if your employers are okay with that) and keeps everyone happy

It's great that both granny's want to help with childcare, but as you are already discovering that can come with its own problems. Do the grannies get on? I think the key here is to make them feel like a team rather than competitors where you all work together to find a solution that works (and they can ideally be each others backstops if problems occur). You also have the added difficulty of working weekends which makes the nursery option more complicated anyway. In your shoes I would do what PPs have suggested, change your shifts (if this is possible) so you each have a day with your DD then a day off together as a family. That way you only have four days to cover and you can work out with the grannies the best way to split that. It's not unreasonable that your MIL wants a family day with her partner on a Sunday, it is unreasonable that she can't see you want a family day with your DD on your days off. Remember also that childcare is a moveable feast - looking after a baby that has regular naps is a different prospect to running round after an active toddler - so what works at the start may work less well going forward.

That's fair, it could well have happened like you described. That does mean that MIL volunteered herself and to some extent, her partner, without discussing it with him first. But OP says the current arrangement is that MIL has her GC once a week and isn't happy with that, and I would be surprised if she hasn't mentioned it to her own partner in some way before i.e. "I wish we could see GC more", "can't wait to see GC more once DIL goes back to work" or whatever.

Although now I have written that out, and thought about The Many Things I Have Learnt From Mumsnet, she probably has mentioned it, and her partner hasn't paid any attention at all until it almost became reality 😂

God people are so nasty and jealous! So you can't speak about your offer of help because other people aren't that fortunate?! I'm also lucky that my mum is always around to help... why on earth would you pay for childcare when you have this offer! People are so ridiculous.. anyway... she is your daughter not your MILLS, you have said Tuesday is your day and that's that. If she doesn't like it then it's her problem and she doesn't have to help. Why would she expect you to let her have your daughter on your day off 😅 simple "thanks for the offer but we are off tuesdays and want DD"

Blimey OP can you not see that you're expecting your MIL and her partner to give up so much of their time so you can have just what you want

But you said childcare for 5 days would cost £260 a week.
So if you add up the cost of childcare for a month and it's basically a month's wage, then one of you must be earning (maybe slightly over) £260 a week ...

So either your maths is wrong, you're being very underpaid or you're exaggerating the cost of childcare in relation to a month's wage.

What an unpleasant response. The poster didn't deserve that at all.

So you could just shift the dates I said.

You have Friday and Saturday off, he has Sat and Sunday off and then one grandparent could do Mon Tues and the other two other days eg Wed Thurs and you two do Fri Sat Sun between you - a day each and a day together.

Nobody has placed any expectation on the mil here. The mil has begged for the childcare and is currently guilt tripping the op because the op won’t give up one of their two days a week with their own child so the mil can have them. This whole thread is about the op asking is it ok for me to deny some of mils demands so that I can spend some time with my own child. Hth. Not sure what you were hallucinating it’s about.

Due to the fact my MIL works Wednesday to Saturday she can only do Sunday to Tuesday. Hence why we said she could do Sunday & Monday but now her partner has said he wants to keep the weekends free as he works Monday to Friday.

Blimey, I don't blame him! Some of the childcare expectation on still working grandparents are unreal!

Your DH needs to speak to her and be the one to point out that if she has your daughter on a Tuesday then she would have more time with her than you, her parents. You don't require childcare on your day off. She might play the card of having less time than your mum but the only reason that is the case is because she gave up the Sunday- that's not your problem! I would look in to paid childcare though as I had a similar situation with my parents when I went back to work after my first DD and my MIL started becoming unreliable and ringing me the night before she was due to have my DD saying she couldn't have her as she'd made other plans... my mum worked part time so couldn't have her either and it really dropped us in the shit a few times before we got her into a nursery. She was very put out but it was the best thing we did.
When I had DD2 she went straight to nursery at 9 months old when I went back to work as I couldn't take the stress!

I will also add, despite only having my son for 1/2 days a week, MIL has cancelled on us more times than I care to count when something better comes up (often at short notice) and just presumes like we can not go into work that day which is really stressful. You need to consider if this is a possibility for you before accepting anything.

I agree with some of the other posters and would consider you and your partner swapping working days, so you have 3 days with your child (1 day off together as a family and 2 days where you each have your child alone). As someone who works 3 days a weeks, I really treasure those 2 days alone with my son, my husband often says he wishes we could afford for him to go down to 4 days so he could also have a day.

So I was right and her partner said something about it. It's not unfair. Of course he wants relaxed time with his partner. It's very reasonable. Sunday is the only day they get together with work schedules. They definitely need to protect that one day.

My parents never even babysat for me, let alone did childcare (unless it was a dire emergency). They both worked. It wasn't a big deal as I didn't need childcare from anyone, but I do understand that when grandparents work, their availability is limited.

Have you actually looked at childcare?

I think it's great both grandparents have offered but reading more into it and that they both still have other jobs, I think they are going to regret offering to help on their days off. You are effectively taking up their free time with looking after your child, when are they going to do household jobs - housework, shopping etc. routine appointments like dentist. Wanting to get a haircut.
I would definitely have a back up plan.
I would also have a trial run before you need to - your mum currently only does one day and not alone, how will she cope with the massive increase in time and doing it alone? MIL already wants to keep time free for family (and rightly so) so may realise she has taken on more than she can realistically do.
I think you are expecting a lot from grandparents who are still working and who are currently used to having days off.