Jealous MIL

OP you are changing and adding to the story as we go along.

I hope you can work something out that means you'll all be happy

The person I feel most sorry for is your own mum as you are expecting her to pick up the slack of MIL not being available and to do an extra day while still not seeing that you and your partner should be the ones to each take a day separately with your child.

This is all true.

Again this is why I see this plan failing. If you have been discussing it for months and there are still issues I don't see it working long term.

The person I feel most sorry for is your own mum as you are expecting her to pick up the slack of MIL not being available and to do an extra day while still not seeing that you and your partner should be the ones to each take a day separately with your child.

The OPs contempt for her MIL is obvious from the thread title. Had she titled it 'oh shit I've really cocked up my back to work plan' I'd have had more sympathy.

Instead it's all about her days off shared with her partner and what's best for her, with little regard for grandmas, and even worse for her daughter.

This!!

The most recent OP updates really make me think she’s not fond of the in-laws (despite their incredibly generous childcare offering). “she cant work Sundays” (so you do acknowledge that this is unpaid work), and her partner “put his foot down” to say that they should have one day a week together?! Yikes.

Obviously MIL cannot “insist” on taking your daughter literally ever so this is all just so dramatic - just say no.

But they need the childcare for their daughter so they do need to change surely ?

The MIL isn't the selfish one in this instance IMO

@nahthatsnotforme that's absolutely not what I said or intended. If ILs are unable to do a day for whatever reason (and the one they've given is reasonable) then that's unfortunate but I don't think OP should be expected to give up her day with DD or change work patterns to accommodate a different preferred day if it doesn't suit them to do that.

Or put another way, MIL has NO days for her family while OP manages 2

@Classicstripewastaken you don't think MIL having Sunday off with her partner after working herself is reasonable?

I think you've gone above and beyond, following your recent update. I wouldn't be changing my work pattern to suit someone else, especially if my DH also had to do the same then had to coordinate the two. Not sure why ILs can't just see it for what it is, an unfortunate circumstance where things just don't align as they'd prefer.

I don't blame her partner tbh. If he works mon - Fri and she works Saturday then Sunday is their only day off together.

I think your whole plan needs a rethink.

I guess it also depends how much you want to work around the grandparents. As others have pointed out you said you did have some flexibility in which day off you could both have, and it's been suggested you could take wednesdays off. This would let MIL have the Mon and Tues.
I think you are putting a lot onto your own mum who hasn't have the child alone yet and expecting her to take on 4 days of childcare.
You also seem happy for the grandparents to either be at their paid job or looking after your child, but keen to ensure you and your DH have two days off together. It has been suggested that you take different days off and reduce your family day to one, meaning that your child (who you chose to have) is then looked after by a parent on 3 days of the week, leaving just two days each for a grandparent (rather than your poor mum having to do 4!!!).

Personally I think this plan of grandparents looking after your child is going to fail, the grandmothers are going to be exhausted and realise they don't have time to see their friends, make routine appointments and generally do household jobs and life admin.

Also are you paying them or at least offering to? With my first my mum looked after them 3 days a week but I did give her money each month (yes it was a token gesture and probably did come back to me in other ways but the thought was there. This is what my friends did too.)

OP why can't MIL hav her weekend with her partner, then your daughter Monday and Tuesday?

Is your Tuesday day off set? If you moved it to Wednesday your problem would be solved I think

I think the point people are trying to make is that although both grandmothers seem very keen to have your DD at the moment - this may change once they actually do it. Toddlers are a lot harder work than babies are so it will become harder as she gets older and they do and 2/3/4 days a week is a lot alongside working as well so you need to be prepared for them changing their minds or finding it too much which would mean having to scrabble around for childcare at a later date which is stressful.

Yes, I agree. Expecting an arrangement where an older person is still doing their job and providing free childcare for 3/4 days a week on top of that to last and not impact on the health of the person doing it is perhaps shortsighted. Far better for the arrangement to be realistic and manageable for them.

OP I find your point that if you were to pay for childcare it would take up most of one wage a bit jarring as I have spent the past 4 years paying for my 2 daughters to go to nursery so I've effectively been working for £300 a month, as do a lot of other people - but then I wasn't offered help from grandparents and you have been.

I think the point people are trying to make is that although both grandmothers seem very keen to have your DD at the moment - this may change once they actually do it. Toddlers are a lot harder work than babies are so it will become harder as she gets older and they do and 2/3/4 days a week is a lot alongside working as well so you need to be prepared for them changing their minds or finding it too much which would mean having to scrabble around for childcare at a later date which is stressful. I guess just be forewarned that they may have overcommitted without meaning to.

Ok, so they’ve asked for childcare help, MIL agreed but then after discussion she realised that she was determining her own life with her DH.

She probably thought that she could just swap with the other GM a day, but she’s lost a day. It does seem like OP was a punishing her, the tone of “she announced” is rather telling. Offering CM as a GP is very kind and actually OP seems quite ungrateful.

I agree not Tuesday or Saturday, but maybe MIL could relieve the other GP of one of the days. Also, once this starts OP may find her own mother finds it too much and be grateful that MIL will do an extra day.

So no need to tell MIL “like it or lump it”, which may well back fire. That attitude to me would just leave me thinking “stuff you”.

You are not unreasonable at all. If your MIL now can't do Sunday , that's not on you that she now has one day in ths week. Why not share say a Wednesday and alternate it between MIL and your mum week 1 . I don't think MIL should be complaining and I'd stick to your guns that when you go back to work your child will be with you and dad Tuesday and Saturday and that's that , MIL can like it or lump it

I guess it depends where you live in my area nurseries closed at 6pm.
Our nursery is 7.30am to 6pm. My DD found a childminder once who was available from 7am for a premium which is fine but it's pretty rare here in urban West Yorks. In fact childminders are pretty rare round here too.
Doubt she will get a nursery place by March now anyway.

They both work different shift patterns and the worst combination is them both working 10-18, which shouldn't be that hard to find cover for, assuming they have a "normal" range of childcare options available to them and not excessive travel time. So, not really a problem. They might end up having to pay for more childcare than they need, and it might be more cost effective for them not to both work full time, but that's an issue most working parents face!

How is it entitled?! Both grandparents have offered, if I'm reading correctly? Op WANTS to look after her own child when she's not working, it's the mil who somehow doesn't get that?!

@CJ98 you'll get trashed here because MN is all "well I didn't have ANY support so I'll shite on anyone who does, even if they're having some issues" 🙄

My suggestion would be you and your partner have one day off together then one day off separately so you have your daughter for a day and he does too. It will be easier in the long run to cover things this way. Then either split the other days with the grandparents in a way that works for your child (as long as the grandparents can physically/logistically cope) and/or nursery or childminder.

I'd also be a bit wary of relying so heavily on both grandparents tbh. They probably do genuinely want to do it but it is A Lot, especially the amount your mum would be doing. She may find it's too much. Also if your mil is being awkward now, I don't imagine it getting much better when you're at work...

I'd seriously think about doing a mix of you, grandparents and paid childcare tbh. Could either/both of you drop hours or save/cut back for nursery fees? Both working full time with a young child is very full on, I know people do it but it's very hard in many cases.

She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday

Had to? Not really though. Like everyone else, you have the option to use childcare.

You say grandparents 'offered' to have dd. However, it's not much of an open offer when you're being quite emphatic about being unable to afford to do otherwise.