Page 6 | Jealous MIL

CJ98 · 2025-02-18T22:38:43+00:00

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her. Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday. My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between. My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her. At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid. we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off. I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy. Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ? Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this. am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 18:41

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 18:29

I can’t have Sundays off. I have to work Sundays hence why we both have to have Saturdays off work. - Just to clarify this is nothing to do with either of us it’s our workplace that has stipulated they need us to both work Sundays.

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Why do you not want your DH to deal with his own mother on Tuesdays? Why are you insisting she can’t have the DD? Surely it’s up to him?

Lollipop81 · 20/02/2025 18:39

Well yea you are lucky but that is irrelevant to what you are asking isn’t it (not that it stops others from commenting).
so no of course you aren’t unreasonable, if she really wants another day so much couldn’t your mother drop one of her main days as she is looking after her on Sunday too. Just thinking if your mom doesn’t have her at all now and then goes to 3 full days a week it may be too much for her. Just a thought.

Original poster

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 18:29

Shelby2010 · 20/02/2025 18:25

You work Saturday & have Sunday & Tuesday off.
He has Saturday & Tuesday off.

MIL has DD Monday
DM has DD Thursday & Friday

You have family day Tuesday & MIL doesn’t get to insist anything.

I can’t have Sundays off. I have to work Sundays hence why we both have to have Saturdays off work. - Just to clarify this is nothing to do with either of us it’s our workplace that has stipulated they need us to both work Sundays.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 20/02/2025 18:25

You work Saturday & have Sunday & Tuesday off.
He has Saturday & Tuesday off.

MIL has DD Monday
DM has DD Thursday & Friday

You have family day Tuesday & MIL doesn’t get to insist anything.

uglyjessie · 20/02/2025 18:20

You should switch your days so you get 1 day a week as a family, not 2

Or find a nursery for one of the days

That only leaves one day for one of the GPs to do

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 16:50

JanaJ1988 · 20/02/2025 15:22

And might choose to spend time with his parents & DD, why wouldn't he?

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Exactly!

Zonder · 20/02/2025 16:17

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 15:08

It’s confusing so she normally has Sunday - Tuesday off work however can basically work any of these days if needed. Last week she had our daughter on the Monday because she was working the Tuesday, this week she had her on the Tuesday because she worked the Monday (this is something I’m concerned about when I do go back to work).
He’s always had to have Tuesdays as his days off for reasons to do with his work, even during my maternity leave whilst he’s been working Tuesdays and I’ve been at home my MIL has taken her. Even during times when my partner has had holidays she’s still insisted on taking our daughter on Tuesdays.
Moving forward Tuesdays will be his permanent day off aswell as Saturday but both of us will have to work Sundays (due to having to both have Saturdays off as we don’t have childcare for Saturdays)

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This is not going to be reliable childcare.

Then there's this:
If we both take separate days off my MIL would still insist on taking our daughter on a Tuesday

As the MN favourite saying goes, NO is a complete sentence.

You said earlier you could speak to work about moving days off. Do that.

Oncewornballgown · 20/02/2025 16:05

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 15:13

She currently only sees our daughter once a week anyway so not sure why she’s complaining about still getting the one day a week when I go to work.
my biggest concern is 100% my partner having Tuesdays off to spend it with our daughter and me finding out that she’s been with my MIL all day. As it means my partner missing out on time with her

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I can completely understand your desire to have your daughter spend time with her parents at least two full days a week.

JanaJ1988 · 20/02/2025 15:22

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 15:15

Your partner can presumably manage that himself? He’s a fully grown adult I assume?

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And might choose to spend time with his parents & DD, why wouldn't he?

whowhatwerewhy · 20/02/2025 15:22

I would be concerned this will soon fall apart, especially if mil changes her day at a drop of a hat .
I would be looking at childcare regardless of cost .

Christmasmorale · 20/02/2025 15:21

Haven't RTFT but surprised how many jealous posters on here telling OP to pay for childcare when she has willing and free childcare options.

OP's lucky and I'm sure she realises that but no need for some posters to be so bitter and angry about her luck of the childcare draw.

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 15:15

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 15:13

She currently only sees our daughter once a week anyway so not sure why she’s complaining about still getting the one day a week when I go to work.
my biggest concern is 100% my partner having Tuesdays off to spend it with our daughter and me finding out that she’s been with my MIL all day. As it means my partner missing out on time with her

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Your partner can presumably manage that himself? He’s a fully grown adult I assume?

Original poster

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 15:13

Oncewornballgown · 20/02/2025 14:32

I think both grandmothers are underestimating just how tiring they will find multiple days of baby care on top of their own jobs. It’s unrealistic that they can cover the 5 days between them. It’s lovely that they want to be involved and help you out though. You have made it very clear that the offer is coming from them so don’t deserve any flack for that. I was very happy to help my DC also.

MIL is being unreasonable in wanting to have the baby on either of your days off. I would say the same if it was your own mother. It isn’t a question of equal time, as if in competition with the other grandmother. She will still have a great relationship with her GC with one day a week. Maybe she needs some reassurance about this.
If you were to change your day off to Wednesday then I wonder if you are concerned that your DH would be handing baby over to his mother on Tuesday?
Family childcare can work well but it is quite a stretch over full time hours. I hope you can work something out to get going with. Then it can be reviewed to see how well it is working out for everyone.

She currently only sees our daughter once a week anyway so not sure why she’s complaining about still getting the one day a week when I go to work.
my biggest concern is 100% my partner having Tuesdays off to spend it with our daughter and me finding out that she’s been with my MIL all day. As it means my partner missing out on time with her

OP posts:

Original poster

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 15:08

whowhatwerewhy · 20/02/2025 14:41

I'm getting a little confused, you say mil has her on a Tuesday now and also works most Tuesdays .

Also your DH has to have sat and Tue and you have to work Sunday. Does your DH work Tuesday now or will this be a new thing.

It’s confusing so she normally has Sunday - Tuesday off work however can basically work any of these days if needed. Last week she had our daughter on the Monday because she was working the Tuesday, this week she had her on the Tuesday because she worked the Monday (this is something I’m concerned about when I do go back to work).
He’s always had to have Tuesdays as his days off for reasons to do with his work, even during my maternity leave whilst he’s been working Tuesdays and I’ve been at home my MIL has taken her. Even during times when my partner has had holidays she’s still insisted on taking our daughter on Tuesdays.
Moving forward Tuesdays will be his permanent day off aswell as Saturday but both of us will have to work Sundays (due to having to both have Saturdays off as we don’t have childcare for Saturdays)

OP posts:

whowhatwerewhy · 20/02/2025 14:41

I'm getting a little confused, you say mil has her on a Tuesday now and also works most Tuesdays .

Also your DH has to have sat and Tue and you have to work Sunday. Does your DH work Tuesday now or will this be a new thing.

Oncewornballgown · 20/02/2025 14:32

I think both grandmothers are underestimating just how tiring they will find multiple days of baby care on top of their own jobs. It’s unrealistic that they can cover the 5 days between them. It’s lovely that they want to be involved and help you out though. You have made it very clear that the offer is coming from them so don’t deserve any flack for that. I was very happy to help my DC also.

MIL is being unreasonable in wanting to have the baby on either of your days off. I would say the same if it was your own mother. It isn’t a question of equal time, as if in competition with the other grandmother. She will still have a great relationship with her GC with one day a week. Maybe she needs some reassurance about this.
If you were to change your day off to Wednesday then I wonder if you are concerned that your DH would be handing baby over to his mother on Tuesday?
Family childcare can work well but it is quite a stretch over full time hours. I hope you can work something out to get going with. Then it can be reviewed to see how well it is working out for everyone.

Colacubegirl · 20/02/2025 13:48

Adding to my comment it’s a lot to expect your mum to have DD 4 days a week. I would look at nursery or childminder for 2 of these days.

Colacubegirl · 20/02/2025 13:46

Your MIL is unreasonable for wanting to look after your child on the day you’re not working.

In my opinion you need to have a sit down with your partner and both sets of parents and come up with a solution that everyone is happy with.

Do you have to return full time? Could you not do 3 or 4 days per week instead.

It might be better to put DD into childcare for 2 days a week and ask your mum to have her 2 days and then MIL on the Monday. This seems more fair in my opinion.

Freshflower · 20/02/2025 13:43

JanaJ1988 · 20/02/2025 12:56

the days they have offered to have our daughter to suit themselves.

Of course they have! They are volunteering to help you. If your PiL’s offer doesn't work for you, then decline and find something else.

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OP it does sound very frustrating. Your MIL can't expect you to give your child to her on a day you are not working ( this then doesn't become childcare at all ) you need certain days for childcare and unfortunately she can't do it on those days , so for that reason she is unable to provide childcare. Also she should not be comparing the amount if time the other grandparents are having dc , they can't have child on that day so it's not that it's 'not fair' it's because your parents are available and more flexible. You should not have to give MIL dc because she thinks it's unfair , is unavailable on the days you need and expects your time with your family to work around her. I'd stick to your guns , she can't have dc on Tuesday or Saturday, is willing to help on the days you need , if not, that's not on you and you should not feel guilty about it. Just means you might need to find alternative care on those days.

Dearover · 20/02/2025 13:36

Classicstripewastaken · 20/02/2025 10:39

@nahthatsnotforme that's absolutely not what I said or intended. If ILs are unable to do a day for whatever reason (and the one they've given is reasonable) then that's unfortunate but I don't think OP should be expected to give up her day with DD or change work patterns to accommodate a different preferred day if it doesn't suit them to do that.

And this is exactly why OP comes across as having a very entitled attitude. Everyone else has to fit in around her & her DH, when they are all doing her an enormous favour by offering to provide childcare so they don't have to pay.

Working in retail, just like many other jobs, involves compromise when children come into the mix. Even when OP finally admits that her preferred non working days might need to change, it still comes across as being a huge inconvenience.

JanaJ1988 · 20/02/2025 12:56

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 10:56

I get along with my in laws perfectly fine, the issue I have is they have constantly changed the days they have offered to have our daughter to suit themselves. First it was they could have her on a Tuesday, then it was my MIL works most Tuesdays so she’d have her on a Sunday, then it was actually we’ll have her on a Monday because I have Sunday to Tuesday off. Now it’s she can’t have her Sundays because her partner says no because they go away a lot for the weekends. But then expects us to not spend time with our daughter on a Tuesday which is our day off, so we’re expected to move our day off to another day so they can have the two days off. We have been speaking both this for months and everytime we have suggested working around them they change it at the last minute. It’s frustrating that we have to change everything to suit them. I completely understand we are extremely lucky to have both parents OFFERING (not insisting) to look after our child but have one set of grandparents not working with us.

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the days they have offered to have our daughter to suit themselves.

Of course they have! They are volunteering to help you. If your PiL’s offer doesn't work for you, then decline and find something else.

OwlInTheOak · 20/02/2025 12:06

It wouldn't be fair on your daughter to give up the limited family time you have. She's already got a huge amount of time with grandparents. Maybe compromise that you'll let her know any days where you and DP need to get DIY or chores caught up on on a Tuesday but that you ideally want to have 2 days a week as a family unit.

Original poster

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 11:43

Newposter180 · 20/02/2025 11:40

You just disagreed with my direct quote of “insist” and then used it again in your next post 😂 Your MIL cannot “insist” on having your daughter. She can request it, and you can say no.

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We say no & then she complains she hardly sees our daughter & then throws that my mum will be seeing our daughter more than she will at us.

OP posts:

Newposter180 · 20/02/2025 11:40

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 11:24

If we both take separate days off my MIL would still insist on taking our daughter on a Tuesday. She only has Monday and Tuesday off work. My partner can’t change his days off so would still need Tuesday and Saturday to be his days off (I’m the only one with the flexibility to change my days off expect I have to work Sundays so would be having Saturdays off. The rule at both of our workplace is we have to work one day of the weekend and when both of us are needed to work Sundays we have to have Saturdays off) so even if my partner takes Tuesdays off to spend it with our daughter she’d only end up going to my MIL anyway because his mum insists on having her on Tuesdays.
My MIL will not change her days off so that she can have our daughter any other day.
Im happy to take Wednesdays off but again my partner would still be missing a day with our daughter as his mum would insist on taking her.

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You just disagreed with my direct quote of “insist” and then used it again in your next post 😂 Your MIL cannot “insist” on having your daughter. She can request it, and you can say no.

Pastelhp · 20/02/2025 11:31

this all seems really messy and unfair on everyone.
Just look into the 15 funded free hours (which goes up to 30 hours in Sept) and 20% tax free childcare like the majority of people do. More stability and routine for all of you.