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Original poster

Jealous MIL

367 replies

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 22:38

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

OP posts:
LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 19:56

Dogsbreath7 · 20/02/2025 19:48

Did you read the post? It isn’t about childcare it’s about a demanding petulant MIL who is demanding access to her GC on a day that OP wants as a family day. Petulant MIL isn’t offering flexibility to do childcare to suit when it’s needed but OPs DM is happy to. Petulant MIL is then moaning that DM is getting to see GC more and is jealous.

clear now?

Show quote history

Free babysitting is a massive favour, that needs to accommodate the giver, not the receiver!

Is that clear now?

Zonder · 20/02/2025 19:55

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:29

We aren’t making it difficult. Our contracts for our workplace stipulate we have to work Sundays hence why Saturdays are our days off together. We are both managers so unfortunately don’t have much flexibility when it comes to weekends & what days we can and can’t work.
the issue with this whole thing is Tuesdays. I can change my day off to a Wednesday so that my partner has our daughter on a Tuesday but the issue with that is his mum would take her leaving him without a day of spending it as just him and his daughter like everyone has been mentioning on here.
It doesn’t matter what we do his mum is going to have her on a Tuesday and my partner would only have her on a Saturday with myself.
I like the suggestion of us taking separate days off but unfortunately my partner can not swap his days off hence why we are stuck.

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Why can't he work Tues too and MIL has DC Mon and Tues?

Original poster
CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:55

JanaJ1988 · 20/02/2025 19:52

Or an alternative view….

it is about a MiL who has volunteered to look after her DGC, for free, on her days off and is trying to juggle that with her own family life.
Whilst she would also welcome time, on a Tuesday, to see her DS and DGC, her DiL is preventing this happening.

Show quote history

The thing is she wouldn’t be seeing her son, she takes our daughter for the day and doesn’t even offer to see her son. I’m not preventing anything from happening, most people on this have said about my partner having our daughter on his day off on his own which wouldn’t happen because she’d end up with his mum.
His mum has 0 interest in spending time with us and it’s all about our daughter which we are happy about but if she wants our daughter on a Tuesday then she sees her son at the same time which she then isn’t happy about because she feels like her son is keeping check on her and feels like she doesn’t have the confidence to take our daughter for the day on her own.

OP posts:
JanaJ1988 · 20/02/2025 19:52

Dogsbreath7 · 20/02/2025 19:48

Did you read the post? It isn’t about childcare it’s about a demanding petulant MIL who is demanding access to her GC on a day that OP wants as a family day. Petulant MIL isn’t offering flexibility to do childcare to suit when it’s needed but OPs DM is happy to. Petulant MIL is then moaning that DM is getting to see GC more and is jealous.

clear now?

Show quote history

Or an alternative view….

it is about a MiL who has volunteered to look after her DGC, for free, on her days off and is trying to juggle that with her own family life.
Whilst she would also welcome time, on a Tuesday, to see her DS and DGC, her DiL is preventing this happening.

Dogsbreath7 · 20/02/2025 19:48

lauraloulou1 · 18/02/2025 22:47

This post is so entitled. Pay for some childcare!

Did you read the post? It isn’t about childcare it’s about a demanding petulant MIL who is demanding access to her GC on a day that OP wants as a family day. Petulant MIL isn’t offering flexibility to do childcare to suit when it’s needed but OPs DM is happy to. Petulant MIL is then moaning that DM is getting to see GC more and is jealous.

clear now?

Xsunshinelollipopsx · 20/02/2025 19:47

Newposter180 · 20/02/2025 19:35

And give her mother even more work - sometimes 5 full days per week?

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Honestly this is a situation I myself have never had to think about as no one other than paid for childcare looked after my children.

however it sounds like both grandmothers are jumping up and down to offer their time to be with their granddaughter.

I am just making alternative suggestions to offer advice to the OP.

Long term none of this will work, once free funding comes in or school. Sunday would then be the only full day the grandmothers could spend with their granddaughter.

whowhatwerewhy · 20/02/2025 19:36

Your MIL can't just kidnap your DD on Tuesday. What hold does she have over you ?

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 19:36

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:29

We aren’t making it difficult. Our contracts for our workplace stipulate we have to work Sundays hence why Saturdays are our days off together. We are both managers so unfortunately don’t have much flexibility when it comes to weekends & what days we can and can’t work.
the issue with this whole thing is Tuesdays. I can change my day off to a Wednesday so that my partner has our daughter on a Tuesday but the issue with that is his mum would take her leaving him without a day of spending it as just him and his daughter like everyone has been mentioning on here.
It doesn’t matter what we do his mum is going to have her on a Tuesday and my partner would only have her on a Saturday with myself.
I like the suggestion of us taking separate days off but unfortunately my partner can not swap his days off hence why we are stuck.

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous! If your DH can’t say no to his mother on a Tuesday, it’s a DH issue!

He is apparently a grown man?

FFS, stop being so bloody controlling, if your DH wants to outsource his day, don’t blame MIL!

Newposter180 · 20/02/2025 19:35

Xsunshinelollipopsx · 20/02/2025 19:16

would your MILs partner be open to one Sunday a month or a fortnight.

Maybe your mother could do the ones your MIL cannot, a bit of a compromise for everyone?

Show quote history

And give her mother even more work - sometimes 5 full days per week?

Original poster
CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:29

Zonder · 20/02/2025 19:12

You're making this difficult. You just make Sunday the day you both have with DC. One of you each takes another day. GP do 2 days each that work for them. Your mum does Sunday as one of her days since MIL and you both can't.

Show quote history

We aren’t making it difficult. Our contracts for our workplace stipulate we have to work Sundays hence why Saturdays are our days off together. We are both managers so unfortunately don’t have much flexibility when it comes to weekends & what days we can and can’t work.
the issue with this whole thing is Tuesdays. I can change my day off to a Wednesday so that my partner has our daughter on a Tuesday but the issue with that is his mum would take her leaving him without a day of spending it as just him and his daughter like everyone has been mentioning on here.
It doesn’t matter what we do his mum is going to have her on a Tuesday and my partner would only have her on a Saturday with myself.
I like the suggestion of us taking separate days off but unfortunately my partner can not swap his days off hence why we are stuck.

OP posts:
KeepDancing74 · 20/02/2025 19:24

Pastelhp · 20/02/2025 11:31

this all seems really messy and unfair on everyone.
Just look into the 15 funded free hours (which goes up to 30 hours in Sept) and 20% tax free childcare like the majority of people do. More stability and routine for all of you.

The problem is, retail work no longer fits with the hours offered by most childcare providers. Our ability to visit the shops OP and her partner manage from 7am - 10pm seven days a week comes at a cost to their family life and routine.

Debsnotts · 20/02/2025 19:21

Sorry but you are coming across as entitled

canyouseemyhousefromhere · 20/02/2025 19:20

Pay for childcare.

Xsunshinelollipopsx · 20/02/2025 19:16

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:11

My MIL wanted our daughter on a Sunday but her partner has said no as they go away a lot on weekends and doesn’t want to let us down.

Show quote history

would your MILs partner be open to one Sunday a month or a fortnight.

Maybe your mother could do the ones your MIL cannot, a bit of a compromise for everyone?

LovelyLeitrim · 20/02/2025 19:13

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:11

My MIL wanted our daughter on a Sunday but her partner has said no as they go away a lot on weekends and doesn’t want to let us down.

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Fair enough, it’s a massive ask by you!

Zonder · 20/02/2025 19:12

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:10

Both of us have to work Sundays.

Show quote history

You're making this difficult. You just make Sunday the day you both have with DC. One of you each takes another day. GP do 2 days each that work for them. Your mum does Sunday as one of her days since MIL and you both can't.

Original poster
CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:11

Xsunshinelollipopsx · 20/02/2025 19:04

Would your mother and mother in law be happy to alternate Sundays?

Or switch the Sunday to suit them, or split the day?

My MIL wanted our daughter on a Sunday but her partner has said no as they go away a lot on weekends and doesn’t want to let us down.

OP posts:
Original poster
CJ98 · 20/02/2025 19:10

Moonnstars · 20/02/2025 18:43

So Saturday becomes the day off you have together.
Sunday you work, partner has off.
Mon and Tues MIL
Weds you have off
Thurs and Fri your mum

Show quote history

Both of us have to work Sundays.

OP posts:
Zonder · 20/02/2025 19:06

Moonnstars · 20/02/2025 18:43

So Saturday becomes the day off you have together.
Sunday you work, partner has off.
Mon and Tues MIL
Weds you have off
Thurs and Fri your mum

Show quote history

This. Easy.

Xsunshinelollipopsx · 20/02/2025 19:04

Would your mother and mother in law be happy to alternate Sundays?

Or switch the Sunday to suit them, or split the day?

Farellyo · 20/02/2025 18:50

This isn't going to end well even if everyone was agreeable with the days. Good luck 😂

ColdWaterDipper · 20/02/2025 18:48

What about instead, you and your partner have 1 day off the same (Saturday) and one day off that’s different, so your daughter is with one or both of her parents 3 days a week. Those one parent and child days will benefit all of you, and the one family day will benefit nice for your family unit. It would also ease the pressure on your mum - could you do sat as a family day, Sunday as a one parent day, Wednesday as the other parent day, and then mon & Tues your MIL provides childcare, and Thurs & Fri your mum provides childcare? Or something similar. It will be much better for your daughter to spend 1:1 time with her parents regularly.

Our boys were in childcare mon-Thurs (childminder) and spent the Fridays with one of us, as we both did 9 day fortnights and took alternative Fridays off to spend time 1:1 with the children. We were both off at the weekends, but worked full time with no help, so all of one of our wages was spent on childcare, until they were 3 and at preschool and eligible for their 15 hours free childcare.

Shelby2010 · 20/02/2025 18:47

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 18:29

I can’t have Sundays off. I have to work Sundays hence why we both have to have Saturdays off work. - Just to clarify this is nothing to do with either of us it’s our workplace that has stipulated they need us to both work Sundays.

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In that case it looks like Saturday has to be the family day. Maybe DP has Wednesday off & you have Tuesday off, if you think you will be better at deflecting MIL.

You could tell them that you’ll re-assess after 3 months. But it sounds like MIL might end up being a bit flakey & your DM hasn’t actually experienced how tiring looking after a toddler all day can be. So I would initially limit the number of days you’d have to cover if either GP is sick or decides to go on holiday for a couple of weeks.

Redjoy · 20/02/2025 18:46

Blimey. Gran of 6 here. You sound massively entitled. It’s really hard work looking after kids when you are older, and am I right that you expect it doing for free? Far too high an expectation! Take what she can offer ( which is a lot) or get paid for child care!

Moonnstars · 20/02/2025 18:43

CJ98 · 20/02/2025 18:29

I can’t have Sundays off. I have to work Sundays hence why we both have to have Saturdays off work. - Just to clarify this is nothing to do with either of us it’s our workplace that has stipulated they need us to both work Sundays.

Show quote history

So Saturday becomes the day off you have together.
Sunday you work, partner has off.
Mon and Tues MIL
Weds you have off
Thurs and Fri your mum

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