Jealous MIL

I wouldn't be offended by that. "As a family" clearly means the nuclear family (OP, Partner and baby). Having a family myself, I completely understand wanting that time together, just the three of them. It doesn't make me less family.

Agreed it can be taken that way but really what op is saying is she wants to spend her free time with her child and partner rather than farm the baby out and have a day off…

It sounds to me like she changed her mind as her partner doesn't want it. We don't know if MIL and/or partner are still working, do we? So Sunday together is not an unreasonable thing. She's allowed to change her mind on more thought and offer another day instead. If that doesn't work for OP, then MIL does the one day she can do. MIL doesn't have the right to complain about less time then, as that's just how it worked out, but she has every right to say that Sunday doesn't work for them after all, for any reason. She shouldn't be pressuring for a different day though.

“As a family” implies that MIL isn’t family, which is what would hurt me if I were her.

OP has clearly said that MILs partner has said no to Sunday as it's their family time.

Why is this unreasonable? Why does OPs 2 days off with her partner trump anyone else's?

If family are being good enough to do enough for you both to work the least you could do is be reasonable about your expectations. MIL is obviously trying but is torn between her life and helping you with yours.

You're expecting MIL and her partner to have one day (Saturday) as their family time so you can have 2.

From the op

My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family.

this reads strongly of game playing and tit for tat re “family time”.

honestly weekends were not remotely sacred or precious to me pre babies. Going out on a Tuesday night to theatre and a meal - no big deal. Cinema? Why not? Few cheeky cocktails…? Okay go on….
with 2 kids the weekdays are a blur and a rush to get people fed and in bed.

if mil doesn’t want Sunday - fine. But she doesn’t get to dictate their time as family or the support op receives from her own mother at the same time. Which is what she’s trying to do…

I say this as someone shelling out £4 pm on childcare… who isn’t jealous and doesn’t think op is entitled… but does think family providing childcare is often best but comes with strings and this kind of nonsense…

I think sometimes free help from grandparents is wonderful for all involved. But other times, it turns out to be more trouble than it's worth.

It's possible it just won't work out to have your MIL involved in it. From what you've said, it sounds like she is being quite unreasonable and self-centered.

If Monday is the only day that she is able provide childcare, when childcare is actually needed, then that's the only day she watches your child. Her failure to grasp this very basic concept is worrisome.

How is it difficult/weird to set a boundary around a day that doesn't work for her? Especially when she is the one doing the person with the child the favour, and for free no less?

Good on her for looking after her own life too.

To consider someone difficult/weird because they won't do you a favour on the day of your choice is extremely difficult and entitled.

That doesn't mean they have to accommodate MIL either, of course.

If someone wants me to babysit regularly, I would say, "I'm available on day x,y,z." If they then want day a,b,c instead, they will have to make other arrangements.

It's really sad to see all the bitter, jealous comments on here from people who struggle with childcare and want everyone else to struggle too.

OP, you don't sound entitled to anyone with any common sense. Childcare is unaffordable for many and if you have the offer of free childcare from family members then that's great and you shouldn't feel guilty about that or "entitled" for talking about it just because someone else doesn't have it. It's not a race to the bottom. Perhaps when those PP are moaning about their lot in comparison to you, they could rein in their own "entitlement" and remember that some parents can't work due to disability even though they'd love to, and some families can't actually clothe or feed themselves. There's always somebody worse off.

It's a tricky situation to navigate with MIL because obviously she's kind to offer to do any childcare, but you are absolutely not unreasonable for saying no to the Tuesday. You don't have much time together as a family and you need to protect that. I'm sure if you could sit down with her and explain that face to face, she'd understand that you need time with DC yourselves. And the fact that your mum has more days with DC is purely down to which days MIL and DM are free. It can't be helped, unless MIL can be free on one of your DM's days and take that up so they have 2 each. It's quite distasteful for her to be arguing over DC like they're a doll but I can see that you aren't in a position to knock back free family childcare.

@CJ98

Because both myself and partner work 40 hours a week we aren’t entitled to anything.

This seems wrong? With both of you working you should be receiving tax free childcare which would be 20% off your bill. Then depending on when you're going back/baby age you will be enrolled to funded hours (either 15 or 30 hours).

Not that it's relevant as you have offers of childcare that will cost you nothing! But just considering potential options

You and your partner have Wednesday and Saturday off, Your MIL does Thursday+Friday, your mum does Sunday, Monday and Tuesday? Then LO is getting a consistent routine.

Alternatively, two days with each set of parents and one day at nursery/childminders (funded hours so shouldn't cost you more than £20) that 5 days childcare. Then they're getting the exact same time together.

Did you even bother reading the OP? The grandparents want to look after the child more, not less. That's what the post is about.

Fortunate, yes. Entitled, no.

I’m not sure you know what ‘entitled’ means. You seem to have grasped ‘embittered’ though.

she can have your child Sunday if she actually wanted she’s just being difficult/ weird.

thats 💯 her choice.
I’d be clear she has the option of 2 days if she doesn’t like it she can just do 1, if she doesn’t like 1 she can do none.

i also agree “free” childcare still has a cost you are also going to need a lot of plan Bs for when your childcare randomly…

• goes on holiday
• books their dental apps/ dr apps / nails on their days
• decides they need to see Janet and she can only do Thursday and doesn’t like kids
• your child is sick and they / their partner announce they are immunocompromised (real and imagined)
• they are sick (real and imagined) and can’t do it

Your mums partner has probably and justifiably said no to every Sunday. That's their weekend gone every week and their family time is just as important.

It would be more reasonable for everyone if you both had Wednesday off and then covered the weekends yourself.

You can't have all this free childcare and still expect 2 days off together

Nice to have 2 days together but wouldn’t it be better to be off seperate days so family don’t have to have your daughter as often? It’s a lot to ask your mum having her 3 days a week. Can’t MIL take one of those days off your mum?

@CJ98 they may have offered but your saying you can’t afford childcare so it’s not like you have any other option, it’s not really a choice for anyone involved as you don’t want to pay 260pw for nursery. That’s just what nursery costs, that’s what is weird about this thread you seemed shocked at the cost as if everyone else didn’t have to pay that?

Please ignore any of the nasty jealous comments by those who haven't had family assisting with childcare. I'm not a grandparent but I seen my mother and father willingly provide childcare for my niece and nephew so my brother and sil could both work and the pure enjoyment my parents got from it and the fantastic relationship they developed with their grandchildren was wonderful. I live 100 miles from my parents and brother but when my mother became unwell and unable to manage I used to travel on a Monday, mind the children on a Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday before returning home (I retired early), my sil had reduced her days working so this system worked for us, it gave me lovely times with both the children and my parents and during covid when the schools were closed I moved there and looked after the children while their parents worked, I even did home schooling and enjoyed it. When you've got family who want to help and you trust why on earth would you pay a stranger to look after your children? My dc is an adult now and I was a single parent for years, my parents and my brother were my support system so it's only natural I became theirs. Sorry for being longwinded but it infuriates me when I see people criticise those who have family help. Regarding your mil you will have to stick to your preferred days, she doesn't get to call the shots, she wants Sundays to spend with her partner and you want Tuesdays to spend with yours and your dc so that's how it is, her ridiculous jealousy of your mother is irrelevant. Tell her your mother is willing to do the five days if necessary and that it may actually be more suitable as it means no chopping and changing for your little one, it doesn't have to be true but it may be enough to make her think!! Best of luck, you're doing what's best for your family and that includes your days together. Stick to your decisions or mil will be interfering forever. And please let her son be the communicator with her so she can't blame you.

This type of free childcare always comes at some other cost…..

Yep, the cost of working and having children unfortunately. You might be entitled to tax-free childcare if your/DH adjusted net income is under 100k individually. And if you are then that'll mean you'll be entitled to funded hours at some point soon too. Research it.

We have zero help. And two incomes, one wiped out by childcare (two in nursery). But also I wouldn't dream of asking my parents or in-laws to do our childcare and neither would DH!

I’m a nursery teacher who has worked in several different private nurseries, and I want to reassure you that grandparents are (usually) far better people to provide childcare than any private nursery or child minder. It is baffling anyone is telling you to pay for childcare as a solution, or making snarky comments that you should be paying for childcare.

You’re lucky you have grandparents on hand, but obviously if Tuesday is your family day, your MIL needs to understand that. Set clear boundaries. If she is sad she might not end up with as close a relationship as the other grandparents, she might also need some reassurance.

To anyone bitter, the hierarchy of childcare with best interests for a baby is Parents- Grandparents- Nanny- Child minder- Nursery.

Wtf

Agree. Let grandparents be grandparents.

I think, when they are doing so much childcare, it's easy for them to feel like they have a lot of say in decisions about your child and more of a claim on her. I think that's a bit natural but I encourage you to stay firm on who your child's parents are and establish the boundary early. It's much harder to back track later. It's good you have so much flexibility in your arrangements.