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AIBU?

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Original poster

Jealous MIL

367 replies

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 22:38

I am due to go back to work in March once my maternity leave ends, the issue I’m having is my MIL is never happy with the days we’ve arranged with her.
Both myself and my partner are going back to work full time & will be having the same two days off work to spend it as a family - these being Tuesday & Saturday.
My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family. As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday. Neither of them will be having our daughter over night, and it’s simply because me and my partners shifts overlap. I’ll be working 7-16 or 10-18 he will be working 10-18 or 14-22 and so we need someone to basically have our child in between.
My MIL has now said she’s really upset that she’s only getting one day a week with our daughter and she doesn’t think it’s fair that my mum will be spending more time with her.
At the moment my mum doesn’t have our daughter on her own (I go to my mums once a week and this is the only time my mum sees our daughter) whereas my MIL has her once a week on her own & has her for the full day. Shes never been happy with the one day a week system we having going on, she currently has our daughter on a Tuesday but because she works Wednesday to Saturday she basically wants our daughter those three days. At the moment her having her on a Tuesday works as I’m still on maternity leave so that one day a week is giving me a break but I’m worried that if she continues having our daughter on a Tuesday both me and my partner are going to feel like we are only having her once a week which is something we want to avoid.
we both are well aware that we are going to miss out on some time with our daughter as going back to full time isn’t going to be easy but we want to try and make time for us as a family hence us having the same days off.
I feel like I’m stuck in the middle of everything & I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do to make everyone happy.
Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.
am I just being unreasonable full stop. 😣

OP posts:
andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 19/02/2025 07:00

Could your DM do Sunday Monday and MIL Thursday Friday and they take it in turns to do Wednesdays?
To be honest until they start doing it you don't know if one or the other will find it too demanding and want to change again.

MyDeftDuck · 19/02/2025 06:48

I have never understood why people have babies and then expect childcare from their own mothers/MIL or even fathers/FIL for that matter.
Babysitting occasionally is one thing but a set rota week on week is taking the p**s IMO.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 19/02/2025 06:47

I think you’re unreasonable for not working opposite shifts to your DP, I get you want days off together but baby would spend more time with parents if you worked opposite shifts and less pressure on your parents/inlaws. I would say you are very lucky with your childcare

Luddite26 · 19/02/2025 06:40

lauraloulou1 · 18/02/2025 22:47

This post is so entitled. Pay for some childcare!

It would be pretty hard to pay for childcare which fits in with these rotating shifts anyway and Sundays what paid childcare is open Sundays?

OP is not behaving entitled just because people are offering to help.
FWIW I think mil has been unreasonable agreeing to Sundays then retracting her offer.
What does DH say? I would leave it to him to reiterate that you are both spending Tuesday and Saturday with DC.

ItShouldntHappenToMeYet · 19/02/2025 06:33

Poor child. It will rarely be at home

BigHeadBertha · 19/02/2025 06:24

Does anyone else get the idea that half the people posting here didn't read what the OP actually posted?

LovelyLeitrim · 19/02/2025 06:20

IsThisOkorWhat · 18/02/2025 23:52

This type of free childcare always comes at some other cost…..

💯 this

RamsestheDamned · 19/02/2025 06:18

SocialMeeds · 18/02/2025 22:41

I’d love to have a snippet of the childcare support you have. We have nothing and both sets of grandparents are about 30 minutes away. If you don’t like it, drop your hours and do your own childcare.

Edited

Hey. I have zero child care and you clearly have a partner. Lone parent with nothing. Count your blessings that there's two of you!

Horserider5678 · 19/02/2025 06:14

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 23:32

It’s one of the things we’ve been looking at, one of us going back part time but as we are both managers it’s sadly not a possibility. We already have a plan B on when one of our mothers is sick, and that’s one of us taking the day off work and unfortunately missing a days wage. We both understand that with the hours we are working we aren’t going to be getting many hours with our daughter hence why we both want the same days off to make those two days we do have with her about family time. This is simply just what we are thinking of doing when I go back, and we’ve both agreed that if it doesn’t work we can always change it so that one of us drops their hours or we change the days we have off.

Show quote history

If your managers and you have to take a day off at the drop of a hat you won’t last long when you go back! As managers you will both be on a reasonable salary, so stop using your parents and pay for childcare! Your in Mat leave and you already need a day to yourself, what are you going to do when your back at work? No me time unless you intend to fib your child off on your days off! Having children and working is full of compromise even if it means you and your partner work
opposite each other!

user1492757084 · 19/02/2025 06:14

Just go ahead with your plan.

If, throughout the year your MIL wants to swap one of her days with your mother, consider that. Also your mother might want to share some Sundays with MIL so that she can have a whole weekend off sometimes.

Stick with Saturday and either Tuesday or Wednesday as your family days.

DSF is fair enough to request that no grandparent looks after kids all weekend.

icallshade · 19/02/2025 06:12

Yanbu to say no Tuesday.
However Yabu to both take the same days off each week- your daughter is spending less time with her parents (2 days per week) than her grandparents (5 days per week).

In your position, I'd take one day off together, and a different day off so you both get a one to one day with your daughter. That way your daughter gets 3 days a week with her parents.

Zonder · 19/02/2025 06:11

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 23:35

That’s something we’ve just sat down and spoke about, either that or moving our day off to Wednesday and allowing my MIL to have her on a Tuesday so that we still get our two days off together and she gets the day she wants.

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Or you could just have one family day and one day each that you cover. That would give you less need for childcare and still a day a week all together. Eg you have Sunday and Monday off, he has Monday and Tuesday off and then one grandparent could do Wed Thurs and the other Fri Sat.

In your shoes I would also be checking out childminders for if / when all this goes wrong. Otherwise one day there will be a thread about how the grandparents don't bring up your child as you want.

TammyJones · 19/02/2025 06:11

Zanatdy · 19/02/2025 03:58

Nice to have 2 days together but wouldn’t it be better to be off seperate days so family don’t have to have your daughter as often? It’s a lot to ask your mum having her 3 days a week. Can’t MIL take one of those days off your mum?

This seems the obvious answer.

TammyJones · 19/02/2025 06:09

Can't they have 2 days each?
Just let your mum do Sunday and mil picks up one her other days?

Horserider5678 · 19/02/2025 06:08

CJ98 · 18/02/2025 23:11

Because both myself and partner work 40 hours a week we aren’t entitled to anything. When we’ve looked into it childcare for 5 days it would cost us £260 a week. By the time we are finished with a full month of childcare it’s one of our wages completely gone. We understand we are extremely lucky to have both grandparents offering to look after our daughter. This has literally been the last resort we’ve looked into everything, if we financially were in a better place (we aren’t struggling but after I’ve spent 9 months on maternity leave getting half of what I earned my when working it’s not left us in a great position hence why we are trying to find an option that doesn’t mean we pay for childcare)

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So you’re only earning £260 a week? Well that’s not right the minimum wage is currently £11.44 an hour! So something is not right, you’re actually trying to justify taking advantage of your parents! Rather than use your parents you need to pay for childcare and work around each other!

thepariscrimefiles · 19/02/2025 05:56

HundredPercentUnsure · 18/02/2025 23:46

Yep, the cost of working and having children unfortunately. You might be entitled to tax-free childcare if your/DH adjusted net income is under 100k individually. And if you are then that'll mean you'll be entitled to funded hours at some point soon too. Research it.

We have zero help. And two incomes, one wiped out by childcare (two in nursery). But also I wouldn't dream of asking my parents or in-laws to do our childcare and neither would DH!

As OP has said many times, the grandparents have offered to help, she and her DH didn't ask.

I'm a grandparent and I did two days a week childcare for my grand-daughter until she started school and my ex husband did another day so my son and his partner only needed to pay for 2 days with a childminder. All the grandparents I know have offered free childcare for their grandchildren. Mumsnet seems to be the only place where this is frowned upon.

arcticpandas · 19/02/2025 05:56

lauraloulou1 · 18/02/2025 22:47

This post is so entitled. Pay for some childcare!

Did you miss the part where Mil is jealous for not having her more?

Waffle19 · 19/02/2025 05:55

YANBU to say no to handing her on a Tuesday.

But I do think you’re being a bit unreasonable when you say you have no other choice than to have your mum have her for an extra day. You can have paid childcare to stop any of these issues. You would also be unreasonable to ask your mil to switch her working days.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/02/2025 05:53

nahthatsnotforme · 19/02/2025 05:30

OP has clearly said that MILs partner has said no to Sunday as it's their family time.

Why is this unreasonable? Why does OPs 2 days off with her partner trump anyone else's?

If family are being good enough to do enough for you both to work the least you could do is be reasonable about your expectations. MIL is obviously trying but is torn between her life and helping you with yours.

You're expecting MIL and her partner to have one day (Saturday) as their family time so you can have 2.

Absolutely this. In your shoes, I would have one day off together and one day off separately. As is your dc is going to be with their maternal grandma more than with either of you. So one of you take Tuesday and the other Wednesday. Your mum shouldn’t have to be childcare for 4 days out of 5. That’s really a lot.

nahthatsnotforme · 19/02/2025 05:53

Put another way, you and your partner have 4 days off a week, meaning you only need childcare for 3.

Your choice to expect grandparents to provide 5 days of care.. you need to work round them a bit.

Zusammengebrochen · 19/02/2025 05:50

Arrange paid childcare for when you're both at work, but also spend some time with grandparents as a family, i.e. both of you too, and arrange some visits of children to grandparents without you.

LoveMySushi · 19/02/2025 05:47

andfinallyhereweare · 18/02/2025 23:18

Yes that’s what childcare costs- we were never entitled to anything and it was hard but you just do it. TBH you are so lucky with what you have most people aren’t entitled to anything childcare funding wise and don’t have family support! If I were you I’d be looking at another job that doesn’t have shift patterns or not have the same midweek day off to reduce how much your asking others to care for your child!

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Why would they pay for childcare if both grandparents are happy to do it though? 🤷🏻‍♀️

farmlife2 · 19/02/2025 05:44

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/02/2025 05:40

@farmlife2 Agreed in full.
Mil absolutely has the right to decline Sunday.
But Mil doesn’t get to demand make up time so “it’s fair”

Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.

op is NBU. Maybe hamfisted for saying “family time” (although imo it’s clear that is just another way of saying nuclear family and not offensive) but not unreasonable

Edited

OP isn't being unreasonable but neither is MIL over availability. She is being unreasonable wanting to make it 'fair'.

It might be good if she takes over one of the OP's mother's days though. Then they both get two days and OP's mother gets one more day for her own life. Two days is already very generous.

BigHeadBertha · 19/02/2025 05:43

BigHeadBertha · 19/02/2025 05:28

I think sometimes free help from grandparents is wonderful for all involved. But other times, it turns out to be more trouble than it's worth.

It's possible it just won't work out to have your MIL involved in it. From what you've said, it sounds like she is being quite unreasonable and self-centered.

If Monday is the only day that she is able provide childcare, when childcare is actually needed, then that's the only day she watches your child. Her failure to grasp this very basic concept is worrisome.

Also, I would definitely NOT try to please everyone or feel like you're "stuck in the middle."

I think it's something that gets easier with age and parenting experience. But while you of course appreciate help from the grandmothers, you and your husband need to put your little family first, not put MIL's desire to have your child on you and your husband's day off together on anywhere near equal footing.

"Oh thanks, but no. Tuesday's our day off together and we don't get to see our baby enough as it is." If MIL argues, just keep repeating that or stop talking/end the conversation. Eventually, people will catch on that you are the parent in charge now, not them. It gets easier with a little time and practice. Good luck with it!

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/02/2025 05:40

@farmlife2 Agreed in full.
Mil absolutely has the right to decline Sunday.
But Mil doesn’t get to demand make up time so “it’s fair”

Am I being unreasonable or selfish for telling her no to having our daughter on a Tuesday ?
Am I being unreasonable for asking my mum to have our daughter more than my MIL because it’s simply easier & my mum is extremely happy to do this.

op is NBU. Maybe hamfisted for saying “family time” (although imo it’s clear that is just another way of saying nuclear family and not offensive) but not unreasonable