Jealous MIL

It's nice you have grandparents who wish to help out . Personally I would have one day off with my partner and then one day alone with DD each .
As keen as the grandparents are it might become too much of a tie for them, MIL has already had second thoughts about the agreement ( well FIL ) .
I would try to plan to do as much childcare between you and your partner as you can .

You then need to make it clear to all that these are the days you need and you can't keep changing agreements with work.

Mil may just have to accept she doesn't have as many days as your mom.

I'm not so sure that's what has happened. MIL is still working quite a bit. She might have told her partner about the situation and he made comments about how he would like to have Sunday as a family, just the two of them, and MIL took his wishes into account (as she should as a partner) and decided to give up the Sunday. It's really not unreasonable she'd want a quiet day after a few days of work anyway. I don't think, if it came from the partner, that it's unfair on his part either, because it sounds like he'd get precious little time with MIL without a child being part of it. It could possibly be more of a couple negotiation? Maybe the partner threw the family time thing at her because he's not been happy about it, so said something along the lines of, "What about OUR family time?" Not unreasonable and MIL is allowed to change her mind. However, it's then not reasonable for her to sulk for make up time.

I agree. Why do so many people expect grandparents to do this? They've done their time caring for children, it needs to be an enjoyable experience and not a chore.

As you can imagine we've now had to ask my mum if she’d have our daughter Sunday, Wednesday to Friday.

I think this is way too much for your mum-that's almost a full time unpaid job as a childminder.

I think its a useful reply. Nothing like a glimpse of what you could be faced with to give you perspective when you can't see good because you're letting perfect block your view. Posts like that hopefully serve to help people see they have a really good thing going, and that if they want to keep it they need to be prepared to compromise.

I don't have any childcare for my kids and have always had to work around dh or use childcare. I realised very early on that if i asked my mil it woupd come with strings and i did not fancy that. That's my circumstances though not yours so I don't understand why some posters are begrudging that you have help.

What I would day is that your mum is looking after your dd for several days for you in your plan but hasn't up until now had her on her own. I wouldn't underestimate how much of a leap that will be. Whereas your mil already had your dd one day a week but sounds flaky. If your mil works the days your mum is going to have baby then I'm not sure what else you can do.

I'd prefer the less demanding option.

I’d still prefer a slightly dodgy villa in Tuscany to a wet weekend in Skeggy

It feels more like you'd turn up for a weekend in Tuscany but the villa isn't available for the first day and a half, so you've got to sleep in a bus stop 😂

You not agreeing doesn't make it a silly comment. I'm also not envious of anything. You're failing to add anything of value to the thread, repeatedly.

In fairness, she did go on to say that the £260 a week wiped out one of their salaries. But I assume she didn't literally mean penny for penny as this poster has taken it. I imagine she just means it represents the bulk of one wage.

Hi OP. I think you're getting a bit of an unfair time. I don't think you sound entitled and you're trying to balance needs of multiple people.

From experience, having grandparents do childcare can be more hassle than it's worth. When I went back to work, DS went to nursery almost full time, except for a couple of afternoons because GP wanted to spend time with him. We didn't need their help from a cost perspective, it was for them to spend time and develop a relationship. Each GPs agreed a specific day and we planned work and nursery around it but then ILs decided to book multiple holidays (as is their right) in the first couple of months or would repeatedly ask to change days with my mum or for a nursery day instead because their agreed day didn't suit. My mum would obviously plan in advance around her agreed day and we couldn't just put DS in nursery on other days so it just became a hassle for all involved and we were left in the lurch multiple times. With the benefit of hindsight, I think it's important to be clear when you need childcare and what works for you. It's understandable MIL would like more time and it's unfortunate that her availability doesn't align with your work schedule but it's unreasonable to expect to have DD when you're not working, just because it suits her best. If it's important to you that MIL has an extra day then there's probably a way to make it work by swapping work days but otherwise, stick to what works for you.

This bit stands out to me:

My MIL said she could have our daughter Sunday to Tuesday & my mum would have her Wednesday to Friday, we agreed with her that Tuesdays wouldn’t be ideal as we want to use that day to spend time as a family. She agreed with Sunday & Monday. She’s now decided to inform us that she can no longer do Sundays as her partner wants the weekend to spend as a family

So first, MIL wants to do 3 days. Currently feels she doesn't see her grandchild enough. OP says she can only do 2 days, because on the third, they are home and will look after their child themselves, and uses the phrase "spend time as a family". MIL responds by knocking another day off the precious time she so desperately wants to spend with DGC, also citing "spending time as a family".

Classic cut off my nose to spite my face there from MIL. She is throwing OP's reason for denying access to her grandchild (MIL's view of the matter!) back in her face, cutting off a day of childcare that she thinks OP needs her for, to manipulate OP into letting her have the GC. it didn't work because OP's mum can pick up the slack, so now MIL is in a corner, whingeing that it's just not fair that she won't see her grandchild.

Yes it was. For the reasons I already stated 👍

You don't really have any point, other than just leaving laughing emojis and sniping comments with no substance. You appear to be another person who is simply green with envy that a new mum has some family support and it doesn't paint any of you in a positive light.

I can foresee problems here-your MIL sounds unreliable and your mum sounds like she'll end up feeling like she has to pick up the pieces and will become knackered/overwhelmed or even ill (I have seen this happen several times!).

Relying on someone you can't trust for childcare is a bloody nightmare and can end up with you both having to take lots of time off work, causing issues with your own work/disciplinary regime. What will you do when MIL is ill/has an appointment/sprains her ankle/the car doesn't start/there is snow. Will you be taking the children to their houses in the mornings/collecting afterwards?

I would manage the situation yourself-suggest they do a day each, you and DH take one day leave together and one separately, and then pay for reliable childcare the remaining time.

@Zusammengebrochen I’d still prefer a slightly dodgy villa in Tuscany to a wet weekend in Skeggy 🤣

There’s a weird belief on MN that it’s wrong to use grandparents for childcare, and that the only right and proper thing to do is pay huge amounts of money to random strangers to look after your child. It’s sad really. Because in reality, most grandparents are really keen to look after their grandchildren if they’re physically able to. My Mum moved 2.5 hours to live near me when my kids were little. Her life was enriched enormously by her time with them.

If you’re going to start giving out judgemental advice please at least read the facts right before doing so

When we’ve looked into it childcare for 5 days it would cost us £260 a week.

Wholeheartedly agree.

It wasn't a lack of detail that made your comment boring.

Personally, I think I'd have one day with partner and baby and split your other day off alternately. That way you wouldn't need to rely on so much childcare and you still get one quality family day together and you and your partner get one quality day each with the baby.
I'd also be worried about differing 'parenting' styles as the baby would be in three different household situations for quite some time.

Unless you consider that the villa keeps making demands and trying to be in control.

Meanwhile your reply is scintillating. 😒

@CJ98 you don’t have to justify to anyone on the internet that family will be providing childcare!!

How lovely for your daughter that she has such involved grandparents.

Many on here would love that. Doesn’t mean that you are not allowed to have any issues with the arrangement.

MIL would be taking a day away from you. So you’ll have to stand firm on that. If she wants anymore days then she needs to find an alternative day that she can do or accept your proposal.

With all due respect, it's most definitely not a silly comment.

Some people are coming across as incredibly bitter ! OP doesn't sound entitled at all, this is just her situation and she seems aware that she's fortunate in so much as she's trying to keep MIL happy even though MIL dropped the Sunday only to complain she didn't have as many days.

Is there a compromise where your mother gives MIL one of her days? Your mother might be relieved to do one less day if you ask her.
**Edited as I've just clicked the MIL works not making the other days possible. Could there be an arrangement where maybe once a month or so she has the baby on a Tuesday. Yours husband and yourself could do something nice/get some jobs done.

Also to the pp who said the OP begrudges the MIL wanting a Sunday off. That's nonsense. The OP has just explained the situation.