Jealous MIL

My parents are dead so I do have to use nursery but was actually put off a childminder setup by several threads on here where loads of people commented that they’d been subjected to inappropriate behaviour by childminders’ partners, who obviously don’t have any checks etc. There definitely has to be more trust with a childminder IMO; if they’re completely alone with your child in a way that’s less common at nursery then there is a lot more opportunity for all forms of abuse.

My own NDN works and juggles providing free childcare to 4 grandchildren. The parents seem to be oblivious to how tired she is and the income she has lost by reducing her own hours so they can avoid childcare costs themselves. Perhaps more grandparents ike this MiL should be honest about the impact it has on them when they try to help out.

I know what I wrote is very simplistic, I meant if comparing each of those options as if they are all available and viable, it was a very general statement. I was trying to imply, as long as grandparents/family are trusted people and happy to help, then they’re the very best care a child could ever have after parents. The number one thing babies and toddlers need is a strong attatchment to a consistent caregiver, so how lucky for that to be a close family member who will continue to be in your life beyond childcare, and can give you 100% of their time and attention in a home environment.

I know all can be equally terrible in individual circumstances!

I do have a personal issue with nurseries as a whole though, for many reasons I won’t go into. Because of this I would never send my own child to nursery under the age of 3, no matter how good it seemed, unless it was a last resort.

Because often grandparents want to do it.

Interesting observation - I did think calling the thread “jealous MIL” is a bit of a horrid way to speak about someone who is offering you so much!

Missed that MIL still works 4 days. I think it’s absolutely batshit that she wants to be an unpaid childminder on a further 2 days but each to their own… I just wouldn’t expect that to last long personally as I’d be knackered!

Wish there was a ‘yawn’ reaction…

Her mil is literally begging to have the child

The MIL is changing her mind which makes her rather unreliable and not someone I'd want to rely on for childcare when I had to get to work.

Is the mum 'begging' to be an unpaid childminder for 4 days of every week?! How old is she-is she retired, is she still working?!

I know lots of retired ex-colleagues, the happy ones see their grandchildren with their children or have them a day or two a week. The stressed and often ill ones have been bullied into doing more and it shows. They are knackered. I think 2 days is more than enough to expect a grandparent to provide childcare for!

I wonder if words like jealous and demanding would be used or replaced with words like disappointed and offering if the MiL & mother swapped positions. Probably not.

Your MiL already works 4 days per week. That's only 1 day less than you. She's offered knowing what a big commitment it is, but she's within her rights to say which days she's available. You're within your rights to say no and look after your own child for a bit.

I think it's quite sad and almost weird that your own child will spend more time with their grandparents than you!

I don't like the fact that your MIL seems to consider your DD a possession that she can demand. That's rather controlling.

I'd suggest you and your DH have ONE day off together (Saturday) then take different other days off (so one Thursday and one Friday). Your MIL can then have DD Monday and Tuesday, and your mum can have her Sunday and Wednesday.

Personally I'd consider a nursery for 2 days a week as kids get SO much out of nursery. Then the grandparents can do one day a week each.

So meet childish, manipulative behaviour with more childish, manipulative behaviour? Poor kid if they end up caught in all of that nonsense.

Instead of having the same days off, choose different days so your child is at home with one of his or her's parents four days a week. Use reliable childcare like nursery or childminder for the other days. Or one of you go part time. You and your DH sound very entitled. This is your child, not your parents' or in laws'.

It would obviously be very strange for OP to have the daughter with grandparents on what is essentially one of their two “weekend” family days, but it’s so obvious I can’t understand why there’s even a post about this. You don’t need childcare on the days you’re not working - simple.

I think the entire set up is bonkers, but that's beside the point.

Compromise and offer every other Tuesday?

For goodness sake - it's the same suggestion as others have made in the thread and they phrased it "Pay for childcare".
Why would you have an issue with the way I put it and not theirs?
Yeah - it puts all grandparents on an even footing and no one can be "jealous" of the other.

Omg they offered! Her mil is literally begging to have the child on the day op and her dh are home. That IS letting them be grandparents, that’s the kind of grandparents that they are. Yes most of us don’t have that. But the op does and people should just get over that.

op, no way should you even consider letting her have Tuesday. She sounds very difficult to talk to so I think you should play at her game- instead of we want baby to ourselves on Tuesday you say ‘it’s already going to be so hard to leave my baby, there’s no way I can live with less than 2 days with my own precious little <x>, just thinking about it makes me feel sick and about to burst into tears, I ca-a-n’t SNIFF and walk out. And tell your dh to tell it to her straight- that your mil is choosing not to do Sundays because she wants two days with her adult partner, then she can totally imagine that you want two days with your BABY and can she stop it now?!

And now you're just repackaging my own comment and repeating it back to me...

Much as this has been lovely 😅 I'm not going to waste any more time on an empty vessel and am off to enjoy my day.

OP does have the option to make Wednesday the family day, rather than Tuesday, so that's up to her. Otherwise I think MIL is getting the better end of the deal really. She'll be able to have a lot of fun just one day a week. The other grandmother having the child four days is going to be more daily grind stuff. Not that it can't still be fun for her, but you can really go all out one day a week. MIL does work quite a bit, so only has limited days available with which to be flexible.

And ignore the fact they have offered and want to look after their grandchildren? Why?

So becayse the mil wants the daughter on a mum / dad day the other grandparent can't have them on the actual working days and the child has to go to strangers instead? What a bizarre solution.

Going only by your opening post @CJ98 , you're not being unreasonable but the only way to resolve this is to let the grandparents be grandparents and find a creche or other childcare that doesn't involve them.
You will have to pay for it (particularly at the weekends as Sunday is generally not a working day for most people).
Your MiL can cry all she wants about how 'unfair' it might be but if she is the one saying that she no longer wants to or can do Sunday, then that's on her and you do not have to do anything to appease her.

Just my take on the situation. Now I'll go back and read more of the thread.

But that's not what the ops post is about. Her Mil is demanding to have her daughter on a Tuesday which is one of ops 2 days off work.
This isn't about how much support she has or doesn't have its about her wanting time with her own daughter.
Yes she is very lucky to have that support but it doesn't mean it should come at the detriment of her and he dp being with their daughter. Mil can not demand more time just because she is jealous, it's just how working days have landed.

Edit : ahh quoted by accident and dont know how to change that!

If I were working full time I wouldn't want to give up my day either. If she has two days (including a day off), she'd be having more time than you do! Can she not have one of your mums days if she wants more time? Or explain she can have any Sunday she wants she just needs to let your mum know in advance?

I paid for childcare. Both sets of parents were reluctant to look after children

Agreed - stupid title. Overflowing with offers of childcare and somehow still can’t make it work… Hugely long post with loads of superfluous information. What a lot of fuss about nothing!

I’m a MIL … I’m more than happy that my dear daughter in laws mums see their mums first
yes it stings a little but it’s only natural and my dear late mum saw my boys more
I don’t get why she’s being nowty with you ? I know it can be a delicate balancing act pleading every b*gger but she needs to grow up and be grateful she sees them that often .. we are expecting another precious granbaby and I think we will
be needed more soon … I feel so blessed .. I wish people could just stop and smell the roses and know how flipping lucky they are to be grandparents in the first place 😍❤️I feel truly blessed and I hope you can get this sorted ..
if you could reassure your MIL that you appreciate her help it “could “ go along way … I’ve found in these situations someone has to bite the bullet and humble themselves and so far it’s all been positive because i know it can fester into worse stalemates and that’s not fair on the children .. take care ! Hope it all sorts itself .. it’s not backing down it’s just seeing things differently