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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive or snappy?

89 replies

Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:11

Can’t see wood for the trees here.
my feeling is this is abusive but I’m so tired I wanted some objective opinions in case I’m over reacting.

context: dinner with my 3 kids, 12 year old has adhd and was particularly bouncy tonight - couldn’t sit still so was bouncing around kitchen while interacting in our conversation. Irritating yes but fairly normal and I was happy we were all together and I’d managed to make a home cooked meal and everyone was happy, yay.

my DH has been…off lately. Can’t quite put finger on it. longer hours at work, later home, just a bit moody I guess. Anyway he walked in this evening to the above chaotic but happy family dinner mess and within a few minutes my son inevitability crashed into the table making my drink spill. No one hurt, no harm done and I firmly told him no more running around now, either sit or go into the other room and I mopped it up.
my dh suddenly comes over to our son and shakes his head and says “fucking Idiot”. We all were stunned, my son started laughing (which he does when he’s overwhelmed) and I think I managed to say “we don’t swear in this house so please apologise” and he muttered something and left the room. All feeling of happy fun disappeared with him. He later apologised but in such a blasé way you’d think he’d stepped on a toe accidentally.

Am i overreacting and it’s normally for parents to get annoyed and swear at their kids? Don’t get me wrong I get frustrated too but never in a blue moon Would I swear at one even if they were being boisterous etc.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 18/02/2025 23:07

DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2025 22:36

I don't think it's ever acceptable to call your child a 'fucking idiot', or anybody else in your family for that matter.

I'd have called it out immediately too.

Agreed.

Notgivenuphope · 18/02/2025 23:03

You are all unreasonable.
Your child for arseing about in the kitchen
You for not keeping them under control and for clearing up the mess that he had made instead of making him do it
Your husband for using foul language

RedHelenB · 18/02/2025 23:00

Personally I think it's better all.round to stop your son bouncing around the table before drinks get spilled or other danage done.

WilfredsPies · 18/02/2025 23:00

It doesn’t really matter what happens in anyone else’s house; swearing and name calling doesn’t happen in your house. And that’s that.

I think you’ve got an underlying problem here. What’s behind the increased moodiness? Is he having problems at work? Is he staying later to avoid family time? Because whatever it is, he needs to either fix it, or share it with you so you can deal with it together. What he doesn’t have the option of doing is coming home and taking his moods out on the children. Or you, for that matter. And if he’s not willing to disclose what the problem is, then he either plasters a big smile on his face and pretends, or he pisses off until he’s sorted himself out.

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 18/02/2025 22:49

Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:43

For context he does have a temper and will get snappy at me when stressed out but I’d say this is the first time he’s deliberately taken it out on one of the kids (and he’s he was being annoying but 7pm is always a hard time for him as meds are wearing off and he’s like a bouncing puppy, it was happy chaos but for some reason tonight it really got to my dh who is now acting as though all is fine and says I’m overreacting and need to be stricter with the kids! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

Abusive or not, your husband's an arsehole. Another shitty little man who can't control his temper and thinks he can behave however he pleases. There is no excuse for him speaking to your son like that and you should not tolerate it.

AfraidToRun · 18/02/2025 22:43

Abuse is generally a pattern of behaviour, if this is a one off then it's possibly just snappy. He should still give a proper apology.

What is he usually like to you and your children?

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:43

For context he does have a temper and will get snappy at me when stressed out but I’d say this is the first time he’s deliberately taken it out on one of the kids (and he’s he was being annoying but 7pm is always a hard time for him as meds are wearing off and he’s like a bouncing puppy, it was happy chaos but for some reason tonight it really got to my dh who is now acting as though all is fine and says I’m overreacting and need to be stricter with the kids! 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 18/02/2025 22:42

On what planet is it OK for a parent to call their child a fucking idiot, even once? Labelling the behaviour isn't the issue here - he should be apologising properly and explaining why he spoke like that to his own son.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:40

DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2025 22:36

I don't think it's ever acceptable to call your child a 'fucking idiot', or anybody else in your family for that matter.

I'd have called it out immediately too.

I really didn’t know what to do as was so shocked. Had 3 stunned kids sitting there too so just tried a “we don’t speak like that in this house” because we don’t, swearing is not tolerated (I have to be strict as my son would not stop swearing if it wasn’t a clear rule)
it was just so out of the blue and unnecessary, maybe felt more because it wasn’t a “ah fuck” I’ve stubbed my toe, it was directly calling our son that too his face.

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2025 22:36

I don't think it's ever acceptable to call your child a 'fucking idiot', or anybody else in your family for that matter.

I'd have called it out immediately too.

Hufflemuff · 18/02/2025 22:33

Wouldn't say its abusive, he snapped and obviously isn't in a good place at the moment. Its not acceptable but we all can have our snapping moments from time to time. His shit apology isn't good enough though.

I'd sit him down and probe, along the lines of "you're not yourself lately and that outburst wasn't OK. I know you know that too. What's going on?"

pinkstripeycat · 18/02/2025 22:32

You were very patronising OP

PlumFairies · 18/02/2025 22:32

If it was a one off then I’d probably get him to apologise and try and move on. If he is constant talking to the kids like shit then yes I would call it abusive.

Squiggles23 · 18/02/2025 22:29

It’s clearly unpleasant and I would be concerned but I wouldn’t say it’s abusive personally.

I think you might need to get to the bottom of if there is more bothering him etc.