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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Abusive or snappy?

89 replies

Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:11

Can’t see wood for the trees here.
my feeling is this is abusive but I’m so tired I wanted some objective opinions in case I’m over reacting.

context: dinner with my 3 kids, 12 year old has adhd and was particularly bouncy tonight - couldn’t sit still so was bouncing around kitchen while interacting in our conversation. Irritating yes but fairly normal and I was happy we were all together and I’d managed to make a home cooked meal and everyone was happy, yay.

my DH has been…off lately. Can’t quite put finger on it. longer hours at work, later home, just a bit moody I guess. Anyway he walked in this evening to the above chaotic but happy family dinner mess and within a few minutes my son inevitability crashed into the table making my drink spill. No one hurt, no harm done and I firmly told him no more running around now, either sit or go into the other room and I mopped it up.
my dh suddenly comes over to our son and shakes his head and says “fucking Idiot”. We all were stunned, my son started laughing (which he does when he’s overwhelmed) and I think I managed to say “we don’t swear in this house so please apologise” and he muttered something and left the room. All feeling of happy fun disappeared with him. He later apologised but in such a blasé way you’d think he’d stepped on a toe accidentally.

Am i overreacting and it’s normally for parents to get annoyed and swear at their kids? Don’t get me wrong I get frustrated too but never in a blue moon Would I swear at one even if they were being boisterous etc.

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 19/02/2025 11:01

Chaos happy or otherwise is not what anyone wants to walk into straight from work. That said your DH shouldn't be swearing at your son. You should have calmly talked to him when there was no children around and asked him to apologise to your son. Neither of you have done well . There have been plenty of threads on here where a DM has snapped and said something hurtful to her child and the response is always you are only human accept it is wrong apologise and move on. You will need to sit down and have a frank conversation with your DH. Maybe there is another woman, maybe he is struggling more than you realise. Sometimes especially when there are extra needs involved, one parent can get so wrapped up in the children they fail to see things from the other parents view. Do you talk together about ways to deal with your child, how your child's behaviour makes you feel. What you think is the best way forward? All these points need addressing as a team if you are to remain married.

Sunnydiary · 19/02/2025 10:52

I can’t believe anyone thinks it’s not abusive to call your child a fucking idiot!

Anyway, he’s clearly checking out of family life, and his behaviour has changed recently. You said he’s been moody and working longer hours at work.

With his removing himself from the family home on top of all this, I am afraid I would be worried his head has been turned in some way. Not necessarily OW, but he seems to think his life would be better without you and the DC doesn’t he?

Any other odd things happened with hindsight?

You need to talk and bottom this out. 💐

Getitwright · 19/02/2025 10:49

Just curious OP, but did the children calm down after the outburst? It’s not good behaviour by your OH, but just wondered what happened when they were told off?

SheridansPortSalut · 19/02/2025 10:47

DaniMontyRae · 19/02/2025 10:46

Oh get lost. Maybe it's due to having 2 adults and 3 kids with various issues in a small flat. Particularly if one of the children is hyper and chaotic every evening.

Show quote history

Maybe. Time will tell.

DaniMontyRae · 19/02/2025 10:46

SheridansPortSalut · 19/02/2025 10:43

It always boils down to one thing.

There's another woman.

Oh get lost. Maybe it's due to having 2 adults and 3 kids with various issues in a small flat. Particularly if one of the children is hyper and chaotic every evening.

SheridansPortSalut · 19/02/2025 10:43

It always boils down to one thing.

There's another woman.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 10:39

I don’t think it’s debt (we don’t have lots but we get by) and I know there’s always the possibility of someone else but I hadn’t thought
anything like that before today) but he has been snappier of late and kept telling me I was imagining it. I think I accepted a long time ago things would never be the 2.4 children happy house we all dream of die to mix of medical and ND diagnoses in the kids, and I know he struggles with that more than me but I never thought it would mean us splitting up. I’m just blindside.

OP posts:
username299 · 19/02/2025 10:20

If this is totally out of the blue and he's moved out, there's obviously something going on. Debt, work stress, depression/anxiety, another woman or he could just be fed up with family life.

Unlike many here, I wouldn't tolerate a child being grabbed and sworn at. He's also a parent and could have taken control of the situation rather than contributed to the chaos.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 10:01

as for me cleaning up the drink- I totally get the point about my son doing it, but he’s so wired and clumsy at that point I guarantee he’d have used 2 rolls of paper towel and knocked over everyone’s else’s drinks and cutlery in the enthusiastic process of cleaning. My other 2 were still eating so I just grabbed some napkins to stop their plates getting wet and had it sorted in <6 seconds.
generally though when he does make a mess he does fix it himself (Even though that generally means I have to re- do it as he’s like a bull in a China shop with his adhd and tics)

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 09:58

Laszlomydarling · 19/02/2025 09:55

Your husband was nasty to your child. You should have spoken to him privately about it, not belittled him in front of the children, but in the heat of the moment I understand you were shocked and unsure what to do.

Another thing I picked up on is your Son spilled a drink, and you mopped it up. He should have done this himself. Getting some of the chaos under control by making your Son take responsibility might help him to understand his actions have consequences. Your Husband isn't coping. His behaviour wasn't ok, but if you want to all stay together as a family, it sounds like everyone needs to make some changes.

That a good point, I can see it was patronising. I really didn’t mean it to be - I thought if I told him directly in front of the kids he was out of order calling him what he did, it would be more confrontational, so I tried to make it about our house rules in general but can see it went wrong ☹️

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 09:55

oakleaffy · 19/02/2025 09:48

A chaotic frantic home life can be very wearying for a lot of people.
They come home tired and hungry and just want peace and calm and to cook.

Does your son get enough outdoor exercise?
Boys especially can need masses of exercise to stay calm indoors.

Maybe your husband has been fed up for a long time with a chaotic home life,but he should go on walks and cycle rides with his son to burn off excess energy.

Yes my son plays football every day after school for the local club, he is very fit and generally regulates well but when his meds wear off at 7 we have about 90 mins of him bouncing off the walls until we give him his melatonin. In summer it’s easier as he can be outside but it’s freezing and dark so that can’t happen so I’ve got used to it just being a noisy bouncy hour and his siblings are also used to it so I barely notice it. He’s not harmful or aggressive, just tigger like bouncy! and in a small flat it’s noisy. My husband definitely has always had a lower tolerance to noise and mess than me, but I’d say that’s got worse and he’s clearly now questioning whether he can live with it at all 😢which I never saw coming ☹️

OP posts:
Laszlomydarling · 19/02/2025 09:55

Your husband was nasty to your child. You should have spoken to him privately about it, not belittled him in front of the children, but in the heat of the moment I understand you were shocked and unsure what to do.

Another thing I picked up on is your Son spilled a drink, and you mopped it up. He should have done this himself. Getting some of the chaos under control by making your Son take responsibility might help him to understand his actions have consequences. Your Husband isn't coping. His behaviour wasn't ok, but if you want to all stay together as a family, it sounds like everyone needs to make some changes.

oakleaffy · 19/02/2025 09:48

A chaotic frantic home life can be very wearying for a lot of people.
They come home tired and hungry and just want peace and calm and to cook.

Does your son get enough outdoor exercise?
Boys especially can need masses of exercise to stay calm indoors.

Maybe your husband has been fed up for a long time with a chaotic home life,but he should go on walks and cycle rides with his son to burn off excess energy.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 09:07

Sorry for typos. Shaking as I’m so upset. Lost not laser (obviously)

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 09:07

Appreciate all the perspectives here.
we talked briefly this morning and he said he just feels he can’t live happily in a house with such chaos (I tried to ask if he means more chaos than what happened at dinner which for me is nothing but can see for others it’s hard, I guess I’ve just become immune to hyper behaviour at the point his meds start to wear off) and he couldn’t be more specific other than to say it’s all just too chaotic and he is taking some time to think about what he wants and going to stay with his sister. I’m totally blindsided as didn’t see that coming at all. Won’t tell me anything else and says nothing wrong at work, I’m the problem. Kids walked into school this morning and could I could hear my son telling his friend what his dad called him laser night so am now scared a teacher twill hear and call me to flag up abusive verbal language as I know it’s a child protection risk😔😔😔I’m just wishing I could wake up from a bad dream.

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 19/02/2025 07:01

Well, it's definitely chaotic. Everyone is unreasonable.
You're 12 year old should not be bouncing around the kitchen, spilling drinks.
Your husband shouldn't swear at children.
While I understand stepping in where you found your husband out of line "we don't swear in this house" is kindof talking to him like a child. I think everyone could do better in this situation, hopefully it's just a one off and you can all move on.

oakleaffy · 19/02/2025 01:02

RedHelenB · 18/02/2025 23:00

Personally I think it's better all.round to stop your son bouncing around the table before drinks get spilled or other danage done.

“Happy chaos”
Sounds hellish for people who like peace and order.

Anotherparkingthread · 19/02/2025 00:17

Tbf that situation sounds miserable and you sound patronising. Husband did well to walk out having not said anything worse.

ItGhoul · 19/02/2025 00:13

Stressed-out parent, difficult child, inappropriate rebuke on the spur of the moment. Snappy, but not the end of the world. It sounds like there are other things bothering your DH and your child’s behaviour does sound like something a lot of people would find very stressful and exhausting. What is ‘happy chaos’ to you would not feel like that to everyone. I realise your son can’t necessarily help it, but knowing this will not automatically make it less stressful for some people around him (who also can’t help it) and maybe your DH was just one of those people on this occasion and just snapped, because he’s human and makes mistakes now and again like any parent.

Clearly, it is not a good thing to swear at a child, but it was a one off and nobody’s perfect.

I also have to say, if my partner spoke to me like he was my primary school teacher, with the ‘We don’t swear in this house, apologise’ line, I would probably have fully exploded. So patronising and so infantilising. He’s not one of the children.

I think I would be more concerned about why your DH is seeming unusually stressed at the moment and having a non-confrontational and non-judgemental chat about it when the kids are in bed. I doubt he’s being like this for fun and if he’s never spoken like that before I’d be wondering what was going on for him that was sending him over the edge.

JMSA · 18/02/2025 23:42

livelovelough24 · 18/02/2025 23:29

From what you are telling us, I would say that something else is going on with your husband. It is possible that he is having problems at work. It is also possible that he is having an affair.

Either way, name calling, still not acceptable.

Agree with this too.

JMSA · 18/02/2025 23:41

The whole situation sounds annoying and spillages were the one thing that made me want to lose my shit.
He definitely shouldn't have said what he said, but the 'we don't swear in this house' comment would have irritated me beyond belief.

livelovelough24 · 18/02/2025 23:29

From what you are telling us, I would say that something else is going on with your husband. It is possible that he is having problems at work. It is also possible that he is having an affair.

Either way, name calling, still not acceptable.

livelovelough24 · 18/02/2025 23:27

Wow, I cannot believe the number of comments who are suggesting that this kind of language is ok. Kids are kids, no matter how well behaved, they are alive and in a household of five it is never silent. Everyone can spill a drink, not just a kid and while I can understand a man getting pissed at this, especially after a long day at work, but to call anyone "fucking idiot", especially your child, especially a child with ADHD is completely unacceptable.

oakleaffy · 18/02/2025 23:23

If a kid dicks about and spills something, they should clean it up ( with supervision if necessary)
I can see why husband was annoyed- that frantic behaviour is irritating.

He shouldn’t have sworn, but it’s not abusive.

oakleaffy · 18/02/2025 23:20

Notgivenuphope · 18/02/2025 23:03

You are all unreasonable.
Your child for arseing about in the kitchen
You for not keeping them under control and for clearing up the mess that he had made instead of making him do it
Your husband for using foul language

Completely agree.
🎯