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AIBU?

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Original poster

Abusive or snappy?

89 replies

Frogstobutterflies · 18/02/2025 22:11

Can’t see wood for the trees here.
my feeling is this is abusive but I’m so tired I wanted some objective opinions in case I’m over reacting.

context: dinner with my 3 kids, 12 year old has adhd and was particularly bouncy tonight - couldn’t sit still so was bouncing around kitchen while interacting in our conversation. Irritating yes but fairly normal and I was happy we were all together and I’d managed to make a home cooked meal and everyone was happy, yay.

my DH has been…off lately. Can’t quite put finger on it. longer hours at work, later home, just a bit moody I guess. Anyway he walked in this evening to the above chaotic but happy family dinner mess and within a few minutes my son inevitability crashed into the table making my drink spill. No one hurt, no harm done and I firmly told him no more running around now, either sit or go into the other room and I mopped it up.
my dh suddenly comes over to our son and shakes his head and says “fucking Idiot”. We all were stunned, my son started laughing (which he does when he’s overwhelmed) and I think I managed to say “we don’t swear in this house so please apologise” and he muttered something and left the room. All feeling of happy fun disappeared with him. He later apologised but in such a blasé way you’d think he’d stepped on a toe accidentally.

Am i overreacting and it’s normally for parents to get annoyed and swear at their kids? Don’t get me wrong I get frustrated too but never in a blue moon Would I swear at one even if they were being boisterous etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 11:58

Timble · 19/02/2025 11:52

Could dh have adhd? Not excusing swearing at his son but maybe that chaos is overwhelming to him and he has an outburst as he needs quiet? I have adhd. My job is busy, noisy and full on. When I get home I really need some quiet to recharge my batteries. Maybe he doesn’t realise that and explodes (again no excuses just a possibility)

I don’t think so, never associated any ND traits with him but of course could be wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 11:57

Cattery · 19/02/2025 11:50

Agree. At first I thought the child was 2 but 12? Butting into conversations and bouncing about? No. That’s not acceptable. Your husband wasn’t being abusive he was at the end of his tether.

Show quote history

12 but with ADHD and Tourette’s. Not hurting in, just bouncing around joining in the table conversation but unable to sit still due to meds wearing off.
sorry if I sound curt I’m just trying to reply quickly!
appreciate all perspectives on here I’m trying to take them on board

OP posts:
Timble · 19/02/2025 11:52

Could dh have adhd? Not excusing swearing at his son but maybe that chaos is overwhelming to him and he has an outburst as he needs quiet? I have adhd. My job is busy, noisy and full on. When I get home I really need some quiet to recharge my batteries. Maybe he doesn’t realise that and explodes (again no excuses just a possibility)

Cattery · 19/02/2025 11:50

oakleaffy · 18/02/2025 23:23

If a kid dicks about and spills something, they should clean it up ( with supervision if necessary)
I can see why husband was annoyed- that frantic behaviour is irritating.

He shouldn’t have sworn, but it’s not abusive.

Agree. At first I thought the child was 2 but 12? Butting into conversations and bouncing about? No. That’s not acceptable. Your husband wasn’t being abusive he was at the end of his tether.

stayathomer · 19/02/2025 11:45

op I hope things get easier for you, I think what you think is chaotic could have been icing on the cake after work stress and he’s probably going through something mid life. Not ok but life can be tough and everyone I talk to lately has similar stuff going on (myself and dh trying to figure stuff out at the mo). I think you both need to have a proper talk but he needs to know his kids are his kids, the chaos is both of your (as a team)’s family and you need to work this out together

Glitchymn1 · 19/02/2025 11:44

@Frogstobutterflies I’m so sorry.

I would text him or email him and let him
know what’s happening.

You were not to blame for what HE said, did or how he’s acting now. He’s gutless and a man child - he has children and he’s basically walked away having a strop. Not acceptable, you can’t act like that when you are meant to be the responsible adult. He’s weak.
You must be the strong one.

RaspberryBeretxx · 19/02/2025 11:44

Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 11:39

Could I get into trouble for this for not protecting the kids from it? I don’t see what else I could have done last night ☹️

I'm not an expert but I'd say definitely not. You dealt with it appropriately and your DH is now out of the house anyway - you did nothing wrong. I think you just need to deal with it with the school and see where it goes.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 19/02/2025 11:43

DramaAlpaca · 18/02/2025 22:36

I don't think it's ever acceptable to call your child a 'fucking idiot', or anybody else in your family for that matter.

I'd have called it out immediately too.

Likewise

GreenCandleWax · 19/02/2025 11:42

pinkstripeycat · 18/02/2025 22:32

You were very patronising OP

Maybe but that was after the event, so irrelevant to the DH's outburst.

Starlight1984 · 19/02/2025 11:41

RaspberryBeretxx · 19/02/2025 11:39

Yes, I'd say this was an instance of verbal abuse. I hate to say it but it does fit the profile for having his head turned/another woman - the longer work hours, being a bit off, blaming you and suddenly leaving to "think" for spurious reasons. I would say don't let him gaslight you into turning yourself into a pretzel to try and make things better.

I don't think what you said to him after he swore was the issue, in fact I think it's good for you DC to see you calmly sticking up for them and setting boundaries. He may try and deflect his own behaviour by making it all about how you spoke to him though so I'd be wary of that.

I hate to say it but it does fit the profile for having his head turned/another woman - the longer work hours, being a bit off, blaming you and suddenly leaving to "think" for spurious reasons.

Later nights, moody, checking out? I’m sorry but I would jump to another woman also and this is the first time this has ever crossed my mind when reading the whole thread. Men leave when they have someone else to go to.

@Glitchymn1 and @RaspberryBeretxx have basically said what I was thinking word for word.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 11:39

Could I get into trouble for this for not protecting the kids from it? I don’t see what else I could have done last night ☹️

OP posts:
RaspberryBeretxx · 19/02/2025 11:39

Yes, I'd say this was an instance of verbal abuse. I hate to say it but it does fit the profile for having his head turned/another woman - the longer work hours, being a bit off, blaming you and suddenly leaving to "think" for spurious reasons. I would say don't let him gaslight you into turning yourself into a pretzel to try and make things better.

I don't think what you said to him after he swore was the issue, in fact I think it's good for you DC to see you calmly sticking up for them and setting boundaries. He may try and deflect his own behaviour by making it all about how you spoke to him though so I'd be wary of that.

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 11:38

Glitchymn1 · 19/02/2025 11:32

No I wouldn’t be able to tolerate my DH talking to DD or me like that. It’s uncalled for.

Later nights, moody, checking out? I’m sorry but I would jump to another woman also and this is the first time this has ever crossed my mind when reading the whole thread. Men leave when they have someone else to go to.
I don’t believe for one second he’s left because someone spilt a glass of water.

How on earth has the school found out?

Maybe you’re right, it’s honestly never crossed my mind for a second before today ☹️

deputy said class teacher has overheard my son’s friend using the words and had initially told him off before hearing he was telling someone else what my son’s dad had called him last night, my son then got sent to deputy to have a pastoral care check in and then they called me to ask if all is safe / ok at home and that they need to follow it up as it’s abusive to a child and their well-being ☹️☹️😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 11:35

LushLemonTart · 19/02/2025 11:32

Blimey the school are shit hot. Have you told H?

Am so sorry you're going through this. He's terrible leaving you to cope with 3 dcs. I hope you have some other support?

Edited

The school is lovely and very small so sort of feels like a little extended family. They’re ever so good with neurodiversity and have helped so much with my son. The deputy sounded really concerned which has made me upset all over again and currently hiding in work toilets to pull myself together ☹️
my dh is my support ☹️no IRL friends, we are such a little unit (or so I thought). Hard to make friends with kids who have additional needs I’ve found, so we always just are a little group of 5. Feel really alone so this support here is kind of my lifeline just now.

tried calling DH to let him know school knows but he’s not picking up (no surprise there)

OP posts:
Glitchymn1 · 19/02/2025 11:32

No I wouldn’t be able to tolerate my DH talking to DD or me like that. It’s uncalled for.

Later nights, moody, checking out? I’m sorry but I would jump to another woman also and this is the first time this has ever crossed my mind when reading the whole thread. Men leave when they have someone else to go to.
I don’t believe for one second he’s left because someone spilt a glass of water.

How on earth has the school found out?

LushLemonTart · 19/02/2025 11:32

Blimey the school are shit hot. Have you told H?

Am so sorry you're going through this. He's terrible leaving you to cope with 3 dcs. I hope you have some other support?

Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 11:27

Starlight1984 · 19/02/2025 11:22

Yeah sorry but I agree. He's just upped and left and gone to live with his sister (leaving his wife and 3 kids behind) because his son spilt a drink???

Nope, he needed an excuse to get out.

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I’ve had no worries about another woman but maybe I’m utterly naive 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Frogstobutterflies · 19/02/2025 11:26

Sorry I’m at work so struggling to respond to all comments but just quickly
my husband is not ND
it’s definitely harder and feels chaotic due to our kids’ needs compared to a household where there are no additional needs (I imagine- having never had that I don’t know!) but only for that “witching” hour when meds wear off, the rest of the time I’d say we are pretty lucky with a roof over our heads and 3 beautiful kids.

I tried talking to him and he’s just shut down which is what he generally does when annoyed, I’m the opposite and probably over talk things so am trying to respect his wish for space (while feeling sick with nerves)

to add to the mess Ive had school on the phone to ask about the incident as it’s inevitably reached the teacher’s ears, I explained what happened and the deputy said he was glad to hear DH is not currently staying there as it sounds like abuse by words and they will need to make a note of it and follow up 😞😞😞😞😞😞I’m so scared,

OP posts:
stanleypops66 · 19/02/2025 11:25

Your dh is an adult and acted inappropriately. You have 3 dc, one who is ND, so expecting a quiet and calm home is unrealistic. A child with AdHD has an uncontrollable need to move at times, especially when meds are wearing off and they're hyped. The child wasn't being naughty, it was an accident. We all have accidents sometimes. I agree that getting dc to help you clean up, even if it's just performative (hold the tissue whilst I wipe etc) would be seen as a consequence.

It sounds like something bigger is going on for your dh. Going off to stay with his sister is an overreaction. He should be coming home to parent with you to help come up with strategies to create a calmer home. Leaving may make your dc think they've done something wrong.

Starlight1984 · 19/02/2025 11:22

SheridansPortSalut · 19/02/2025 10:43

It always boils down to one thing.

There's another woman.

Yeah sorry but I agree. He's just upped and left and gone to live with his sister (leaving his wife and 3 kids behind) because his son spilt a drink???

Nope, he needed an excuse to get out.

strawberrysea · 19/02/2025 11:20

Notgivenuphope · 18/02/2025 23:03

You are all unreasonable.
Your child for arseing about in the kitchen
You for not keeping them under control and for clearing up the mess that he had made instead of making him do it
Your husband for using foul language

Spot on

Itisjustmyopinion · 19/02/2025 11:14

While it’s not appropriate in any way to say what he did, walking into a chaotic situation would put me on edge and would not make me want to come home

I am ND myself so I know it can’t be helped but the scene you described would cause me a meltdown.

Is there any chance your husband is also ND and therefore struggling to cope? I hate the jumping to that conclusion in most threads but reading yours this was my initial thought

ritasuebobtoo · 19/02/2025 11:11

pinkstripeycat · 18/02/2025 22:32

You were very patronising OP

?? She was talking to her adult husband (who’d just told his child to fuck off) in that way because it was in front of the children. Ffs.🤦‍♀️

Sparko99 · 19/02/2025 11:08

Sunnydiary · 19/02/2025 10:52

I can’t believe anyone thinks it’s not abusive to call your child a fucking idiot!

Anyway, he’s clearly checking out of family life, and his behaviour has changed recently. You said he’s been moody and working longer hours at work.

With his removing himself from the family home on top of all this, I am afraid I would be worried his head has been turned in some way. Not necessarily OW, but he seems to think his life would be better without you and the DC doesn’t he?

Any other odd things happened with hindsight?

You need to talk and bottom this out. 💐

I know. I can't believe the number of people minimising this.

Would they think it was okay for their boss, their children, their friends to call them a fucking idiot? Of course not. So it's not acceptable to do it to your children. It wasn't just snapping in the moment, the incident had passed. He had time to see the event, you dealing with it and he still thought it was a good idea to go over to swear and name call in his son's face.

He's the adult. He should be setting a good example. He should be able to regulate his emotions and deal with situations calmly.

You were right to stand up for your son, not patronising. Of course we need boundaries and discipline but this is neither.

oakleaffy · 19/02/2025 11:07

DaniMontyRae · 19/02/2025 10:46

Oh get lost. Maybe it's due to having 2 adults and 3 kids with various issues in a small flat. Particularly if one of the children is hyper and chaotic every evening.

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Absolutely this - It would be hard for anyone to tolerate.
ESPECIALLY if the husband has ND issues himself.