To think that maybe my husband could have taken a day off when my brother died

I dont know if I’d expect my husband to take a day off. Currently there’s no right to do so, would he have got paid leave or even granted the time off. Is he saving his request for the funeral?

I wouldn't expect anything of my husband as he is an adult and can make his own choices. There is nothing that would stop him being with me and taking on the daily grind to let me deal with a bereavement though. Even if his work wouldn't give him compassionate leave (which most would) he would call in sick. This guy isn't saving anything, he is being a selfish arse.

I couldn't be in a relationship which doesn't have the bare minimum of one partner stepping up when the other is in crisis.

Good god that is awful.
I would think this is the type of behaviour that makes you seriously reassess a marriage.

I am so sorry for your shocking loss.

I’m so sorry that your husband has been so awful and thank you for supporting his poor widow. I wish I could scoop you up and look after you.

My Mum had a stroke in 2013, and when I received the call my husband was in London with work. He didn't have access to his mobile, so I had to ring his office, who in turn had to ring the customer office he was at. My husband caught the next train home - a 2 hour train journey. He then stayed off work the next day, to help with our son, who was only 2 at the time, and allow me to visit Mum in hospital. So, no, you are not being unreasonable. You brother has died, you are grieving, you're having to deal with the children, normal daily life and the practical side of arrangements when someone passes away. Your husband is being insensitive, and completely ignorant to your feelings. Have you asked him to stay off work? I completely understand that you shouldn't need to ask, as it should be glaringly obvious, but your husband is either dim or so thick skinned that he's oblivious. Sending you a big hug ❤️

My DP behaved appallingly when my mother died & I can never forgive him for it. I think it shows you the worst side of people, when you need to rely on them & they aren't supportive. I would never ask him for anything again.

That’s appalling. When my dad died my ex was working overseas, and he immediately got on a train (eurostar) and was there that evening to give me a hug and take over the kids so I could travel to my mum’s. That was my ex, i’d certainly be expecting my own husband to take a day off to help out and give you a blooming hug at the very least.

God, I'd have thought it would be the absolute minimum. When all 4 of my Mum's brothers died (2 suddenly, 2 because of illness), my Dad dropped everything to be there. He can be an unfeeling bugger, but even flew back from working in Scandinavia one time, when Mum had to sort the funeral, etc. The very least I would expect would be that he asked you what you needed in order to manage.
Have you said to him what you need? Even in practical terms??

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

Your husband does lack decency and care. He could've taken the day off, or at least left you the car.

You need someone to support you as you support your SIL.

@MissyB1 I hope you mean ex husband?😱 That is disgusting.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP. That's absolutely tragic. Of course your husband should be supportive, and basic stuff (like not leaving you without a car for all the extra things you need to do) should be the very least you can expect. Glad your friend's being kind but once you're over the initial shock, I'd be having serious words. He shouldn't need to be told how to be compassionate, ffs. 💐

Yes, absolutely. You need to be there for your grieving SIL at the moment so the least your husband can do is step up to the bulk of parental responsibility for as long as is needed.

OP I'm so sorry for your loss. This exact scenario played out with some friends, they are still together but barely. The resentment is palpable. Have you asked for more support? I know you shouldn't have to buy maybe spell out what you need and then take it.

Please be kind to yourself, make sure you really think about your own needs now. It sounds like your kids are teens so they can help out too! You are important and worthy of love and support, remember that.

I'm 99% certain my DH would take a day off. But even if not he would have left the car/hired another one. Looked after the kids etc etc
Focus on your dB for now but this would make me reconsider my marriage.

I'm so sorry about your brother. That's awful. Yes, your husband should be with you for support. Was your husband close to your brother? Has this upset him that he needs to be out of the house. Men often react very differently to women. I watched my DH hear that his mum had died and go straight into a meeting.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your brother. Your h is being awful. Right now you don't have the energy to deal with him. So you need to take exceptional care of yourself - lovely bath stuff, treaty warm socks, nice snacks, hot tea, soup and long walks by the river/ in the woods, coffee with friends. Anything that's gentle and kind and nurturing .
Tell your dh you cannot wrestle teen,/ do household stuff and it is temporarily his responsibility.
Your dh is horrible but you can make your decision later. Look after yourself now.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

Absolutely he should be supporting you in any way that you need, even if there were friction between them in the past this latest development should completely negate that.

Not just going to work, but taking the car as well seems to be really rubbing salt into the wound.

I hope this is just a blind spot on his part, and not indicative of something more troubling in your relationship.

Wishing you and your family best thoughts at this difficult time x

I don't think my DH would automatically take a day off and I wouldn't automatically take a day off if it was my DHs brother who died. I would be supportive though.

Some men can be incredibly self absorbed.

Yanbu. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm so sorry you lost your brother.

Death often helps put things into perspective. It's incredibly sad that your husband never hugs you. He's not kind to you and has said horrible things. If you think of a life without him, how do you feel?

Have people read the OP?!
her so called DH is ranting about her surviving brother and behaving abysmally

I'm really sorry for your loss 💐
My dh didn't take the day off when I was called at 6am to say my mum had died. I had an exam that day and had to get our ds to childcare, I was in total shock. I have since had my brother die too, dh has never mentioned him since he died and didn't go to the funeral. Fucks me off no end.

I don't necessarily think he should have taken the day off but I do think he could be a hell of a lot more supportive.

I think the fact that he didn't take the day off work is the least of the problem. He doesn't sound like he is supportive or caring to you in any way.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
But don't make any big decisions about H at this point in time. Concentrate on caring for yourself and your poor SiL, ignore Hand his rantings, and try to find some solace in your DC. There'll be plenty of time to deal with H later. I'm glad you've got such a lovely friend, it makes all the difference.

Someone who rants about another sibling to their wife is a lost cause
he sounds like an arse