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Original poster

Grandparents wanting sleepover 1:1

180 replies

Help3214 · 18/02/2025 14:26

Hi all, sorry for a long one a lot of context and would love a sanity check on this.

Increasingly noticing that my in laws are very keen (as in mentioning it quite a few times) for 1:1 time with my toddler who is 3, without us parents there, including a sleepover at their house. This is never said directly to us the parents, e.g “we would love to take your child for a sleepover at ours would that be ok?” Instead there is often this thing of saying it to the child “would you like to come to Nannie’s house for a sleepover wouldn’t that be lovely”. Or the most it has been said to us directly is “I could drive and meet you half way if the journey is too much”. Recently it was, “Nannie and Granddad could take him to X place soon for the day wouldn’t that be nice” (this place is a 5 hour drive from our house, but only 1 hour drive from their house, so the only way it would work as a day trip was if child
had slept over at their house).

My child is 3 (just turned 3) and they live 130 miles away so it’s a 3 hour motorway drive. If we are visiting them we would always have to stop for wees etc to get there, so it’s a long old journey especially if there is traffic and generally we have started to ask them to come here instead - it saves the car journey where child gets a bit sicky / restless, but also saves us packing for an overnight trip with all the mountains of stuff kids need. We also have a baby now so even less keen on having to pack up the car for two. Having said that, we still do make a lot of effort to go and stay - when my baby was 6 weeks old we went to stay with toddler so that the wider family could meet the baby.

We get on with them but aren’t as close as we are to my family, who live nearer. But we do go see them fairly regularly. My husband has never been crazily close to them or his sibling, and since we have been together 20 years this has always been the way - seeing them every couple of months or so, no pressure. This has changed though since we had kids as naturally they want time with their grandchild / now grandchildren, which I do get.

Out of respect for this we asked if they would like to do one day a month childcare for us, so they come up for the day whilst my child is not in nursery (he does 4 days a week) so they do get this 1:1 time with them one day a month. I felt uncomfortable asking for them to do more as they are so far away, so my parents who are much closer do the other days. On this day when child is not in nursery we tend to work from home so we are sometimes in the house too, though not always. Sometimes they take him out on their own to the park / zoo / lunch etc. Alongside that day a month, we also see them I would say for weekend visits maybe every 2 months. This feels more than enough for me, and reflects the dynamic of the relationship over the past two decades.

There have been other comments recently around school half terms / school holidays when my child starts, like “when it’s the holidays you can come on holiday to Nannie’s house for the week”.

I am finding my reaction to these comments about sleepovers / time with him quite hard. I don’t know if it’s hormones / some kind of caveman protective thing? I don’t want to be shutting them out, they are really nice people, but I’m finding it really frustrating for a number of reasons.

One is that if they genuinely wanted 1:1 time with him, I don’t know why that needs to be at their house without me and my husband there. We both work full time, child is in nursery in the week so the weekends are so so precious to us - I don’t want to ship him off on the only two days we get with him. I can’t see this changing massively in the summer holidays, I have really good annual leave with work and I would really value that time with my kids, I just can’t see me wanting him away from us for a whole week?

Two, the motorway journey is such a factor here. Train is not an option as the routes don’t connect. Both my inlaws are good drivers but they’re late 60s and it’s a 6 hour round trip, it’s such a long journey for a little one to be in the car and god forbid anything would happen. I wouldn’t be comfortable with many people driving my toddler on the motorway apart from my husband and I, so this nervousness around the drive isn’t just reserved for them. Child also gets a bit sicky on car rides. My husband’s mum once suggested a half way drive and we meet halfway to swap the child over at a petrol station / services and she take him down to theirs, so that we’re not having to go the whole way / they’re not having to go the whole way. My husband pointed out - “but mum, child would still be doing the whole journey” His mum was like “ah right yes ok”, clearly disappointed.

Three, Child has only just turned 3, so the bulk of these comments have been happening since he was 18 months +. I don’t want to deprive them of something they clearly really want (to have their only grandchild at their home on their own, and for a sleepover) but I don’t know if I’m being irrationally annoyed about it. He is still really little. He often gets nightmares in the night and calls out for us and you know what toddlers are like - temperatures, scuffed knees, sickness bugs. He is still in nappies at night. He just seems too little for me to want him to be that far away, if anything happened and we were 3 hours drive away I just feel like that’s a bit far? He is also a really emotional little kid, so I just know how it could go if something upset him.

I am finding myself getting closer to sitting his parents down and saying all of the above, and reiterating that I do want them to have quality time with him but that above what they already get with him I don’t see why these sleepovers needs to be without his parents there too - why can’t it be family time with us all together, especially when he is so young. And especially as me and my husband have full time jobs so really value the precious time we get with him. Maybe when he is older, then we could discuss it again, but for now since he is only just 3 he feels too little to me.

I genuinely can’t tell if I’m being overly cautious / negative about this. I don’t want to be labelled crazy possessive daughter in law, would love a reality check if that’s how it is coming across.

Worth mentioning that my husband remembers having sleepovers at his grandparents house, but the difference was both lived 2 minutes away - so maybe his parents are feeling nostalgic about that and wanting the same, but it’s just not comparable when we live much further. Also his mum was a SAHM, so probably by the weekend she really did want a break understandably. It’s not the same for me.

My husband is totally aligned with me, but I feel like it is probably me who is going to end up having to say this (very conflict avoidant family). How do I politely and clearly put across my point of view?

if you think I just need to suck it up and let them have this sleepover weekend please do say! Genuinely am intrigued to know if I’m overthinking it

OP posts:
Porcuporpoise · 26/02/2025 07:13

I think in your position I'd say "that's a lovely idea from when he's a bit older". Because one day it will be.

JSB16 · 26/02/2025 07:10

I agree with you, I don’t understand why there’s always such a push from some people to ship your child off to grandparents. I work in the week, the weekend is my time with my children. Im more than happy for grandparents to come out with us, they help us with childcare one afternoon a week and the odd time on the weekend but no I wouldn’t be sending them for sleepovers hours away.
This is coming from someone who has lovely memories of sleepovers at one of my grandmas but I also grew up feeling like I hardly saw my parents as they worked a lot etc, I want to be the one making lovely memories with my children.

lessglittermoremud · 20/02/2025 13:45

My eldest had his first sleep over at around 18 months to his Aunties house about a 10 min drive away and used to stay over quite often especially when his younger brother arrived (small gap) so that he could get some 1:1 time, but that was the only place he stayed at that age. Grandparents houses were from age 4-5 ish again fairly close by 30 minutes drive usually both of the oldest ones together.
Our youngest has never had a night away without one of us, he is 5 and a completely different kettle of fish to his brothers. He still co sleeps with one of us and would hate to stay away without either of his parents. We’ve had plenty of offers directly to us (as it should be) from our family offering for him to stay either singularly or with his brothers who happily stay with family but we’ve always declined after asking him if he would like to go. Sometimes he goes for the day and comes home for bedtime, it’s a little frustrating because it means we can’t go away just as a couple but in a blink of an eye he’ll be telling us he doesn’t need us and how ‘cringe’ we are like his big brothers so I’m also enjoying it whilst it lasts!
I understand why the want to look after your little one in their home, my only suggestion would be that to book into an air b&b closer to them for a mini break and then your oldest can spend lots of time with them and you know you are close by.
Depending on where they are in the country they may live somewhere near you’d like to visit?

Freshflower · 20/02/2025 08:30

I totally understand this . I don't think you are unreasonable , or being hormonal or a crazy DIL. If they sat you down and said , we'd like to have a sleep over how do you feel.. then you took it from there. Their constant saying it through your child but not asking you sounds bloody ridiculous and annoying. If you are not happy for your 3 year old to be away travelling 130 miles or away for over night stays that far away then you are not happy. You need to say , that sounds lovely but not right now . You do things when you and your child feel comfortable.

TheUndoing · 20/02/2025 07:20

Are you not on Mat leave with the younger one? Just wondering because of your point about weekends being precious. I wonder if the grandparents think you might particularly value some rest away from the toddler with you being pregnant/having a young baby.

Littlemisscapable · 20/02/2025 06:58

mumuseli · 19/02/2025 17:02

How about either when you are staying at theirs or they are at yours, you and husband go out for the evening somewhere nice hole GPs babysit? That way the grandparents get to have evening time with their grandchildren, but you know you will be back there for the night. x

This...start with this and then build on it. You are very fortunate to have such involved grandparents. I'm a bit confused about the child are they provide , so they drive up and back in a day ? This is a big commitment. Can you work around this as they are up anyway.

Codlingmoths · 20/02/2025 06:52

Re working full time op, once they are at school there are also all the half terms etc, so your annual leave would need to be spectacular to cover all that. I hear you about time with them is precious, I work full time and my youngest is 3.

YourFlawIsLava · 20/02/2025 06:29

I didn't let DD sleep over anywhere until she was old enough to say she was happy to do so. I think that was about three. My worry was that she'd wake up and be emotional because we weren't there.

If there's a back history that they are nasty people then say no but otherwise it will be good for everyone involved.

You're making a 130 mile motorway journey sound like a sabbatical to Everest. It's a 2 hour journey if it's all motorway. Boring but not the big deal you're making it out to be.

BeWittyRobin · 19/02/2025 20:34

Also they drive 6 hours because they want to spend time with their grandchildren, they sound like lovely caring grandparents who want nothing more to be a part of their lives. That’s lovely. But again seems like it’s on your terms. I really don’t think asking for sleepovers for some quality time with their home comforts and to make some amazing memories for all is a lot to ask nor do I think it’s unreasonable. Maybe they don’t know how to ask or worried how you will react because from your post I can see why they maybe a little apprehensive to be so direct xx

rwalker · 19/02/2025 20:31

Just seems a bit sad that your not make more of an effort to involve active grandparents that want to be a part of your child’s life

BeWittyRobin · 19/02/2025 20:28

Honestly, i read the first half of your post and then just skimmed the rest. Just feels like a lot of excuses/reasons for a topic you don’t feel comfortable with. If you are not comfortable your little one having a sleepover so far from yourselves then just be honest (with yourself) and say that’s the reason. Because for me personally, the reasons you have given just seems to be excuses, I think if grandparents are good grandparents love and care for their grandchildren and they are safe then I think it’s important for them to have one on one time with their grandchildren and it’s good for our children to have that with their grandparents. I read so much negativity about grandparents asking for 1-2-1 with their grandbabies and it’s so sad to me.

but like I said if you don’t feel comfortable your lot being so far away that’s totally understandable, but their age and driving ability, your concerns on that, and the rest of it just feel that’s unnecessary and it’s almost thinking of excuses for why you don’t feel comfortable. Maybe approach it with them and say at the minute you don’t feel comfortable with being so far away at the moment but when he is older. Xx

Mandylovescandy · 19/02/2025 20:16

I wouldn't like it and wouldn't be comfortable with it and my DS is 8! I guess that DS is ASD makes it trickier as I don't think they really understand how to support him. Great if others think it is fine or are happy to leave DC for sleepover or several nights away but it isn't for me

saraclara · 19/02/2025 20:08

mumuseli · 19/02/2025 17:02

How about either when you are staying at theirs or they are at yours, you and husband go out for the evening somewhere nice hole GPs babysit? That way the grandparents get to have evening time with their grandchildren, but you know you will be back there for the night. x

So they get to read a bedtime story and then put him to bed? And that's it?

That babysitting, not a sleepover.

mumuseli · 19/02/2025 17:02

How about either when you are staying at theirs or they are at yours, you and husband go out for the evening somewhere nice hole GPs babysit? That way the grandparents get to have evening time with their grandchildren, but you know you will be back there for the night. x

BeeDavis · 19/02/2025 16:51

You have literally made this so complicated in your head. My 3 year old has just got back today from being away with my mum and dad since last Saturday, so 4 nights away. He’s had an absolutely fantastic time and didn’t want to come home. Couldn’t imagine denying him that time with his GPs they have such a lovely relationship.

RoxyRoo2011 · 19/02/2025 16:35

My mum lives over 200 miles away. My 9yo is with her now for half term and my 3 yo is desperate to go. The only reason he’s not is because I think it’s too much for my mum to have them both while the youngest is so small. I think it’s great to encourage independence from a young age. It’s also exciting - the kids get a holiday and 1:1 time with my mum while I have to work. I’d much rather them have fun and be spoiled by her for a few days that sat at home bored while I still have to work.

ranoutofquinoaandprosecco · 19/02/2025 16:26

Mine were like this, didn't do any early years child care, to be fair they always said they'd do stuff with the kids and never have. They're 14 and 12 now and not had a sleepover at their house without us. They have stayed at our house maybe twice to look after them overnight when we've asked.

TinyFlamingo · 19/02/2025 16:19

This feels like a junior school thing but they'll be much older then!

wellington77 · 19/02/2025 15:24

I know this is extreme but it’s always stuck in my mind, a good friend of mine would once a week go to her grandparents for a sleepover, it was only when she was in her 20’s and the grandad was dead she told her mum that he had been sexually abusing her. Unless it’s necessary as in no other option you’ve got to go to hospital, and it’s not your parents I just couldn’t trust anyone with my kids other night at such a young age.

Classicstripewastaken · 19/02/2025 15:15

coxesorangepippin · 18/02/2025 14:42

This really pisses me off. Asking the child directly, not the parents.

It's not the child's choice!!!

Even worse is parents getting their kids to ask my kids if they want a playdate: why can't the parents just ask me themselves!?!

😡

This would annoy me the most. Puts the parents in a difficult situation if they want to say no for whatever reason, especially if the child is old enough to understand and wants to do whatever is suggested. You're either letting down the child or feel obliged to say yes!

Cherrysoup · 19/02/2025 15:09

I agree with pp saying they can stay at yours and you can go out, but tricky with a very young baby. 3 hours away is too far in case of issues. Your dh needs to speak to them about it, not you.

Julimia · 19/02/2025 14:58

Never said anything about ds grandparents needs coming first but they need to be in the equation.

Kitchensinktoday · 19/02/2025 14:36

If you’re not comfortable with them having sleepovers then just don’t, if it comes up again say ‘that’d be nice when they’re older’ and change the conversation.

This good advice

Mrsgus · 19/02/2025 14:36

As a grandparent, I love nothing more than having my grandchildren for sleepovers, the youngest having just turned one. If there are no safeguarding issues and they are genuinely decent people then what is the problem? Kids grow so fast and your in-laws won't be here for ever!

GG1986 · 19/02/2025 14:28

You are overthinking this! Every time they make a comment your DH replies "maybe one day" then end of conversation. If they want reasons then you say "he is too young at the moment and isn't a great sleeper" if they keep on and on then you just say "no sorry its not going to happen at the moment"