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Original poster

To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

208 replies

Sessili · 18/02/2025 11:50

A good friend of mine has one child and has been trying to conceive another for the past four years. She has now had 7 miscarriages (all in the first trimester, and most within the first 6 weeks). Obviously it has been devastating for her. She has struggled with her health, lost her job, and been battling depression. She is always either pregnant, trying to conceive with the help of hormones or recovering from another miscarriage.

I've been supportive all these years, but she just had another miscarriage, and I just want to beg her to stop trying and embrace life as it is. The kid she has is wonderful, loving and smart, but all she seems to be able to think about is the second that will likely never happen. At this point I don't think I can be there for her anymore if she keeps going. I want to be endlessly supportive, but I can't. I've hated seeing her waste all these wonderful years in a constant state of misery.

Full disclosure: I'm a mum with an only child myself, and am perfectly happy having just the one. But of course I know not everyone feels the same, and I can really imagine not feeling like your family is complete. I have so wanted it to happen for her. But surely at some point enough is enough and you count your blessings?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sessili · 18/02/2025 12:02

2024YR4 · 18/02/2025 11:56

You can’t tell her or beg her. She has to realise for herself when it’s time to stop. The only thing you can control is your response level to it.

Edited

Somehow it feels even worse to just take a step back without explanation. I could not just stop responding to her texts or her requests to meet up; that'd be cruel.

OP posts:
MissUltraViolet · 18/02/2025 12:01

I don’t think asking or begging her to stop will go down well. You really just have to wait for her to come to that realisation/conclusion.

All you can control is your response to her and the time you spend trying to support her. If you feel you need to step away a bit because you are starting to suffer then that’s absolutely reasonable.

Hankunamatata · 18/02/2025 12:01

I would take a step back from friendship. Your not in a place to support her. Ultimately it's her decision

Ifitistobesaid · 18/02/2025 11:59

She’s so far down this path now that it’s unlikely she’ll just embrace life as it is and carry on. She’s been through a lot of trauma and probably feels only a second child will bring her closure at this point.

romdowa · 18/02/2025 11:58

She's obviously not at the stage where she's able to count her blessings. Telling her to do this would be quite cruel but at the same time you don't have to continue to support her either. I supported my friend through 3 rounds of ivf, all which failed and it was Hard . She now struggles with the fact she will never have a child and I've taken a step back slightly as I couldn't continue to hold her up.

2024YR4 · 18/02/2025 11:56

You can’t tell her or beg her. She has to realise for herself when it’s time to stop. The only thing you can control is your response level to it.

Porcuporpoise · 18/02/2025 11:55

I don't think you can ask her to stop but if she is a good friend I think I'd sit her down and tell her how worried I was about her and why. You can also limit the amount of support you are able to give, emotional or otherwise. None of us are bottomless wells.

Miresquire · 18/02/2025 11:54

Well you could ask (or beg, as you also put it) but I’d be prepared for that to go down like a lead balloon. I highly doubt she’d listen to you and your friendship probably wouldn’t survive.

I would instead try and suggest she might benefit from some therapy, but you’d have to do this very gently.