To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

Saying that someone who has had multiple miscarriages should count their blessings because they have a child shows a lack of compassion and understanding of secondary infertility. It is incredibly difficult to come to terms with and your friend must do it on her terms not yours. Also, don’t make the mistake of thinking she doesn’t count herself blessed for her first child just because she yearns more. Women don’t have more children because they’re not happy with their first.

This. What a horrible “friend” you are. She definitely doesn’t need people like you in her life.

I would imagine her partner (if she has one) was probably at the end of his tether too over this, especially as they do have a lovely, healthy child. You can't say anything but I understand your frustration. She is wasting a lot of her existing kid's childhood as well as her own happiness and wellbeing. You daren't say anything though. I'd personally step back.

Yikes, I agree with you. She’s missing out on her living child in pursuit of something that may never happen. But she won’t thank you for saying anything. In fact, she’ll demonise you. I’d just fade her out, as harsh as some may find that. But I couldn’t watch someone be so foolish.

Do you have any idea if there is some pressure being put on her by her husband (or partner) to make her be so determined about a second child, or another family member, say a parent?

I don't think it's your place to ask her to stop trying - as other people have said, it's unlikely to go well - but as a good friend, you might be able to suggest she take a break, for her own health. It sounds like she's been through a lot in a short time, and needs to recharge. A set period - three months, say - where she puts ttc on the back burner and focuses on getting her health back, might really help. (Even in her efforts to conceive.)

You can't force it, but if you frame it in the right way, she might be receptive. I understand she might feel time is against her, but she's been in a fog of grief, hormones, and depression for the last four years. Her body and mind need to heal and reset.

It may well be that she hides her feelings successfully from her child, and does not sit in the throes of misery around them. This is certainly what I and every other mother experiencing rmcs I've known did - we might have one or two friends we could really open to but still had to be capable of doing our jobs, being a wife mother etc! Humans can contain a multitude of feelings.
As to what you body is trying to tell you - I assume mine was telling me I needed an effective treatment for what was happening to me in order to have my absolutely adorable dc who has managed to be healthy and intelligent despite being born to someone in their 40s.

This is such a mean thing to do and will leave your friend puzzled . Why ghost her over it - why not have a conversation and say that it’s a lot for both of you to deal with and you can be here for her but maybe it’s worth her seeking professional help to support her more fully.
slowly withdrawing friendship without explaining why is really poor form - especially if she is already suffering so much

My mc consultant put it like this when I asked him if it was worth keeping on trying - yes, if you can handle it mentally. Basically it becomes a case of lots of poor quality eggs with occasionally a good one. You still have a chance, especially if you’ve carried to term before as I had. She must still be hanging on to that hope.

This. I suspect I would have kept trying if my fourth try for DS2 had failed. But - I could cope with it. I wasn’t in a state of misery. But I don’t think I would have responded well even if I had been.

Not your body, not your marriage, not your life, not up to you to say anything

You'd be telling her to 'give up hoping, it's never going to happen especially at your age, get over it and be grateful for what you've got because I'm fed up of hearing about it/how it makes me feel'.

That's never going to help anybody in that much pain.

Dear friend probably thinks you actually care.

You’ve been giving her dishonest feedback for a while now.

Tell her the truth so she finally knows who you are, and what you think.

I do wonder whether there something on your part about being an only child mum and being ok with it? I mean this with absolutely no bad feelings intended- could it be bothering you a little that she’s not ok with having one child and you are? Please don’t take that the wrong way it’s just sometimes it’s good to look inwards when you’re struggling with something happening to others and identify what it is that’s really bothering you?

Whatever it is it’s really not your place to say and I don’t think she would take any advice well. Many women have several miscarriages and eventually one will work out. If she’s willing to keep going through it she’s willing to keep taking that risk and ultimately all you can do is stand by her and hold her hand through all of it.

I don’t think it’s up to you to beg. She will know all that you say I expect as every time she puts herself in a vulnerable position. Maybe a gentle conversation of will you carry on/look at adoption. But it is not your place to tell her anything. Her body her decision.

The baby obsession can become an all consuming obsession in some women- If she's had to give uo work, and you as a friend find her hard to be around if she's hormonal and crying all the time, imagine the effect it's having on the child she already has.

{And the husband who probably finds having to perform on ''fertile days'' a chore}

By the sounds of it, this has been going on for years[?] so the existing child is undoubtedly affected by a weepy mother.

This can be very distressing for a child.

I can see exactly where you are coming from- wasted years obsessing over a baby while the child and life she has are put on the back burner.

As a mum of one I can understand why this is hard for you. I have been in this position where it has diminished my feelings around motherhood and made me feel inadequate that I am embracing only having one (I can’t have more). It is so complex. But those are my feelings that i have had to work through so I understand it’s hard to support someone with the feelings of your friend. As others have said, your friend sounds like she needs a qualified therapist to work with her. Even if she were to have another - it will not be a magic bullet to her mental health.

but begging her to stop trying will not work and may be the end of your friendship. This is something she has to decide for herself or as a couple.

Ofcourse you can't tell her what to do with her own body. Mind your own business!

Someone is going to tell you YABVU, but I agree with you. Think of how all this ongoing misery is affecting the child she already has. Seeing her mother always in the pits of despair instead of living in the moment and enjoying her time with her DD. The little girl is going to end up carrying some heavy emotional baggage from this.

Also, by this stage you'd think she'd start to wonder if her body isn't trying to send her a message. If, by some miracle she finally manages to make a pregnancy stick past the early weeks, only to end up having a very premature baby with all sorts of complications and health issues for life, would that really solve all her problems and make her feel better?

I once tentatively suggested bereavement counselling to a friend who had had repeated miscarriages (she had one 2 year old and was speaking so bitterly about other people who were pregnant). She never really spoke to me again.

She did go on to have more children.

I can't imagine the hell she must be going through. I can't imagine having a miscarriage at all, never mind 7. The poor girl. I also feel for her daughter.

Yes, from an outside perspective she should probably stop for the sake of her own health, relationships and her daughter, but that's coming from someone one and done by choice, so I'd feel very uncomfortable saying all that out loud.

If anyone is going to be frank with her, it's a medical professional. All you can do is be there for her and support her. Doing any more than that is crossing the line.

I think you cannot tell her what to do- it’s her life so her choice.

However, you can either completely stop the friendship or scale it way back.

Without changing your friends behaviour at all, how would you like your relationship to look? How many times would you like to meet up and for how long? How many messages do you want to exchange? Frequency/ length of phone calls.

Really really think this through.

For example, you could think actually her messages are too many per day too long and too overwhelming. You could address this by sending a holding message after a long/ emotional message to say “Read this and thinking of you- I’ll respond properly this evo when I have time.” Then sit down that evening and send one, really nicely composed message. Then don’t read any more until the next day.

Or you might think that meeting in person is the worst for you, in which case you could limit your visits to 20 min coffee, 1/2 hour dog walk or whatever. No explanation needed. “I’d love to see you Saturday but I’ve over committed as usual! I could do coffee at yours at 10 but I absolutely need to be in the car at 10:30.”

Same for phone calls. Either ignore the call or say “I have something to do in 10 mins, but you have my full attention until then.” Then say “sorry I’ve got to go and off you go.

Be prepared that she may not like this- she is used to you being on hand immediately. You have to allow her to feel how she feels without feeling guilty. Your own state of mind is the most important thing.

Do some reading around setting and maintaining boundaries. Lots of good YouTube videos out there.

What might help is to feel your anger here. You aren’t a free therapist who is there and available at all times. You aren’t her emotional support human. Really dumping on you all the time is quite rude. Your OP sounds angry. Explore that.

Good luck!

Hello OP.
Not sure what to advise really, but I have a friend (not close, we worked together and were very friendly)- she's had countless of miscarriages yet miraculously managed to carry another child to full term and is now very happy 😊 I hope your friend will get that happy ending, too.

I had 4 miscarriages, including one between children. I’ve got a blood clotting condition that has a high risk of miscarriage and complications. If any of my friends had said that to me, however well intentioned, I would never have spoken to them again.

You said yourself, you have one child and are one and done. As far as I can tell you didn’t have fertility issues. You are happy with your family unit as it is. She isn’t and what’s worse is it’s completely out of her control. You don’t understand what she’s going through. Be a friend.