To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

I’m sorry you have experienced so much loss.

However - I can see where the OP is coming from. There is a young child who is observing her mother clearly heartbroken and distraught. Surely it must be negatively impacting the child.

It’s different when the only people affected are the couple. It’s different when there is an existing child involved.

(I hope I’m not coming across callous. It’s not my intention).

Tell her you are worried and you care about her. And her existing child.
Don't tell her to stop trying for or wanting another baby.

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult journey your friend is facing. It’s incredibly hard to see someone you care about go through such heartache and challenges. You've been a wonderful friend, offering support through it all, which is no easy feat.
It's clear that your friend's desire for another child is deeply rooted and has become a central focus in her life. Your feelings of wanting her to stop trying and embrace the life she has now are completely valid. It’s tough to watch her struggle and feel helpless in offering comfort.
While your instinct is to ask her to stop trying, it might be helpful to approach the conversation with empathy and understanding. Perhaps you could gently express your concerns about her well-being and suggest she consider speaking with a counselor or therapist who specializes in fertility and grief. They might be able to help her navigate her feelings and find some peace, regardless of the outcome.

You cannot tell her to stop. Only she can decide that but you can gently ask what her plans are. What's the next thing to try, and will they shift gear at some stage?
We had about 5 miscarriages in the first 5 years of our marriage and we decided that if we were no further along at that point we'd start the adoption process. That took 3 years but 8 years after we got married our lovely DS was placed with us and 2 years later we had his DD as well.
I also have a friend who has one son through ICSI and who investigated adoption but decided that their only child was enough. She and I are extremely close and we were able to talk each other through the different decisions we were making.

I've had miscarriages and if a friend said that to me I'd really struggle with them thinking that was an okay thing to say. Please don't.

That does surprise me, frankly. I hadn't seen that post before posting my one above.

She may well know a lot more than age's told OP too.

Even when those of us facing fertility issues talk to friends or family, doesn't mean they know everything. Which is why you're right that OP and commenters shouldn't be quick to make assumptions.

How much does her child understand is going on?
Hold old is the child?

Don’t think of making it about you - but instead accepting that someone’s else’s feelings may be having a negative impact on how you experience something. Both your feelings and her feelings are valid, justifiable and do not cancel each other out. all of this means that you may not be the best person to provide the support you both need. As I have said, I am very happy with one child, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had to give up the dream of more and that was bloody hard so personally having gone through that journey it would be hard for me to be thrown back into it but trying to support someone who is in the throes of it.

It depends entirely on your friendship. If you’re v good friends and you care deeply about her- then I would say something. I think ‘taking a step away’ would be cruel. I would rather go out of the relationship with her knowing that I was worried for her than be a coward. I had a similar situation with one of my oldest best friends. I love her and want the best for her. She hasn’t much family support so sometimes I have to say what the mother/ sister would say and she does the same for me. It’s not something I enjoy. It stings. It’s not nice but it comes from a place of deep affection. She was annoyed with me for a while and then she began to resolve the situation and was happier. Sometimes people need permission to let go. Yes- it’s her body and her choice but it’s already dominating all of your relationship. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

Perhaps you can set some limits to protect yourself. Work out what they are?

I think you know deep down you can't ask/tell/beg her to stop trying so that's probably just the desperation you are feeling talking.

However you cannot continue to support her mental health whilst destroying your own. You need to tell her that she can no longer lean on you for this. Explain that you understand if she doesn't want a relationship on those terms but unfortunately you just can't do it anymore.

You are in the wrong.
I had 18 miscarriages and 3 ectopics before l gave birth to my second daughter.( nine years apart). I had Endometriosis and PCOS.. but my gosh she is well worth it and the most lovely kind caring 32 year old daughter. .. and a fabulous sister .. both daughters are so close.
I did have a total hysterectomy afterwards..
You should be supporting her.
She will know herself when enough is enough..

Do it, for the family she has.

I don't think it is unreasonable for you to feel as you do but I don't think it would be a good idea for you to say as much to her. She needs to come to this conclusion herself. I hope she does because she is wasting precious time.

I just read this and agree:
Porcuporpoise · Today 11:55
I don't think you can ask her to stop but if she is a good friend I think I'd sit her down and tell her how worried I was about her and why. You can also limit the amount of support you are able to give, emotional or otherwise. Nontce of us are bottomless wells.he en
.......
Other than that, nothing else you can do, at the end of the day it is her business, her health, etc. I haven't read all posts but presume she has a husband. I'm surprised he hasn't said that enough is enough. He can, it affects him directly.h

Your friend is blessed to have a child. So many people cannot and would be over the moon to have one child.

Good luck with this.

I had six miscarriages between DC2 and DC3. I did come to a point where I accepted it but it took me 6 years to accept it.
Six years after that I actually did have my rainbow baby.
You can't tell her to stop. I wouldn't have reacted well to one of my friends saying that to me. You can limit but not withdraw your support if you wish. She will likely come to a point where she does accept it but you can't force her to before she's ready.

It’s none of your business.

We always talked about having two but after having some medical investigations we found out we would be extremely lucky to have one. And then we were extremely lucky. I am quite a binary person and I knew I was not going to be able to "just see what happened" or try for a second unless I was going to commit to it fully, and knowing how unlikely a second miracle would be I decided for all the reasons you have described that I didn't want to do that- I wanted to focus on the good fortune we already had and make the most of it.

It seems like your friend is wasting what she has pining for something she doesn't have. However, I doubt she is going to see it that way.

You have to protect your own mental health. In your situation, I'd be honest, once, and gently, to say that you are finding it hard watching her put herself through this and would it not be better to focus on what she already has? If she isn't receptive to that, then you need to withdraw slightly and draw some boundaries around what support you can actually give to her.

No, she's not bothered. Hasn't even occurred to her to seek medical support for her horrific physical and emotional trauma, actually.

🙄

She wants to conceive again and is facing recurrent loss or infertility - in the gentlest possible way it is not your job to tell her what to do and she will probably cut you off as a friend if you start giving her unwanted advice - a lot of people facing fertility issues just cannot deal with "helpful advice" from people who do not understand. So many people with fertility issues lose friends during that journey - it can become very lonely.

I know you mean well, but as you've said in comments it seems like this bothers you for complicated reasons- you're happy with one kid and she isn't, so you struggle to understand her.

Don't intervene merely because of your feelings - take time to process how you feel and remember that she is not responsible for that, just like you are not responsible for hers. If it is hard for you to hear, you can step away from her a luttle so you dont have to hear about it as much.

She KNOWS what this is doing to her. More than you do. Msybe this is a journey she has to see through.

She won't thank you if you come in and tell her to stop trying for the sibling for her child that she desperately wants. You can tell her you are concerned for her and her family and focus on supporting her and encouraging her to seek help.

This isn’t your place. Please don’t.

I don’t think you can tell her to stop trying. But you can control how available you are for support.

You could perhaps suggest she gives her body (and mind) a rest for a while. If she’s not prepared to do that, then it’s easier for you to be less available or say you need a rest from the emotional toll for a while. (Whilst still wishing her success)

has she had investigations into why she is experiencing all these very early losses?