To ask my friend to please stop trying to have another baby

I don't think there's much point in telling her. She knows what's happening but is choosing to persist.

I do get it. It took me 4 miscarriages, 3 surgeries, many rounds of ivf and other fertility treatment, SO much money and 6 1/2 years to conceive dc2. I was so stubborn about it. People would occasionally raise when I'd stop, but I just wasn't ready to stop. I would have aged out within a few more years as i had dc2 when i was 41.

But... I don't think i was as hard to be around as your friend. Yes I'd talk about it, but generally on the whole i'd pretend to be ok and I didn't lose my job. She does sound hard to be around. Maybe step back a little but not completely and if she asks explain that supporting her is taking a toll on your own mental health.

Thank you - I had great luck. My MCs were years ago - almost 20. DS2 is 17.

I’m very pleased to read what you have written about new research and better outcomes.

You're her friend, not her spouse. Nobody who isn't the potential other parent can express such a strong opinion on whether someone else should ttc. Bite your tongue.

I'm not voting as I think it's a sensitive topic for such a blunt binary click. I've been where your friend has. And understand her desire and need. But you are right in knowing you need that emotional space as well. Personally I only ever told my friends the briefest of details as online forums were more supportive and understanding. Plus I didn't want to trauma dump. I wouldn't just ghost her as some OP have said why be needlessy cruel. But you could say, " I can see how much pain you are in and I'm worried about the impact". Im not a professional in this area, I'm sure you know about organisation". Then you can ask her about what her child is up to at school, nursery. Maybe talk about taking a holiday. Fertility issues can be all consuming and it's hard for the women going through it. But you aren't bad for wanting to set some emotional boundaries. But to tell her to stop is just not an option. Her body and her choice. And she probably already knows you think it anyway.

MIND YOUR BUSINESS. Nothing you say is going to stop her TTC. She wants another baby. Just because you're okay with one doesn't mean she is. You need to either be supportive and an actual friend or remove yourself. It's okay to tell her you are worried about her health or wellbeing but anything else us to much.

It’s her decision to keep trying and, sadly, putting herself through this recurrent sadness. You can’t ask her to stop as it’s her choice and she won’t. However, you definitely can explain that as much as you love her dearly, her desire for a second baby has dominated her life, her goals and taken nearly all of her energy for many years now. You can say that it’s difficult for you to have this as the central focus of so much of your friendship and conversation, and that you do want to live in the moment more and focus on what you both do have. I don’t think it will be an easy conversation as she’s clearly in such grief, but maybe she should see a therapist who can help her see that she is utterly consumed by this desire and that it’s still harming her wellbeing.

You sound like a caring and supportive friend but there is no reasoning with people like this. I wonder what her partner thinks or is he just going along with this ‘need’ for extra babies when she has one lovely healthy child. Ultimately she is ravaging her own body and mental health and stopping herself from being a mum to her little girl and embracing motherhood. She will look back one day and realise how much she has missed out on with her child in her quest for more more more.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I also feel sorry for that poor child she already has

It's for her to decide when enough is enough, not you.

You don't have to support her but you can't be telling her to stop, that's her decision.

slowly step back and stop being eager to placate or please. no explanation required as she will eventually realize you need to put others first too. don't immediately answer texts/ voicenotes just intermittently.

Presumably she’s been investigated for recurrent miscarriage? What medical advice has she received?

Eventually she will achieve a baby or give up - throwing away a 25y friendship sounds extreme.

This.

Of course you can’t tell her to stop. If you did would you not have a nagging doubt that maybe she might have gotten what she wanted if you hadn’t encouraged her not to go for it?

You sound like a very decent person who is a bit drained which I can understand. But this is going to end soon, she’ll either get pregnant or the point will come at which that’s no longer possible and she will eventually move on.

How involved are you or your DC with her 7 year old. Do you have an aunty or godmother like relationship

I ask as if you do or could, and I'd be surprised if you don't seeing how long you've been friends for, I'd manoeuvre towards to staying in their life or even being more active and less in hers.

You'd be doing an enormous kindness for all of them, as I'm guessing they're missing out on fun stuff in all this, and could be a polite way of distancing yourself but staying in the picture. If asked you could dress it up as being all out of emotional support juice but still wanting to be there and this being how you know.

I say this as someone who benefited enormously from a family friend staying in my life consistently throughout it and now my DCs, even when being in my parents was difficult

Tbh I was exactly like your friend op. So consumed in having a second child. Every month getting depressed. We even had IVF, which didn't work.

It changed my marriage.

If my friend had said anything to me, I would have been upset at the time. Thinking they don't understand etc

However, I did try keep most of it to myself, as I didn't want to burden my friends.

Anyway glad to say I am out the other side, when my child got older, and we had more freedom, the desire to have another child faded overtime.

You definitely cannot tell her to give up. You are in no way part of the conversation. It has to be her choice to make as if she lives to regret she could blame you.

But you are not being unreasonable to step back from the friendship if you find it too overwhelming.

Sorry you’re right. It was another poster but you’d replied to my comment on their comment so I thought I was talking to them. My apologies. As someone who has had multiple miscarriages and then a rainbow baby it’s a hard thread to read. I feel for the friend very much and hope she has other friends who can support her through this terrible time for her.

I think you may have quoted the wrong poster. I have not said any of those things you have mentioned.

If you’re finding this difficult as an outsider, imagine how she’s feeling. I’m sure she’d give anything to not feel that longing for another and feel complete with one but you can’t help how you feel. And you can’t pretend that you don’t want it if you do.

I think sometimes secondary fertility issues can feel difficult as people are less sympathetic. Also as it’s not just about your own needs or wants to have a child, you want it for your existing child too.

Let her know you love her and are worried about her but I’d encourage her to speak to a professional who’s not invested in the situation the way you are. If any blunt truths are to be delivered they’ll probably be much better received from a therapist.

If she’s into her 40s and showing no signs of slowing down maybe she’s waiting to age out of the process? If she doesn’t have another child by then then maybe she’ll be able to make peace with the fact that she tried but the choice was then out of her hands.

You said the child was “sidelined” and that you hope they get love and focus, thereby implying they weren’t. You have made the friend sound like a selfish and unloving mother for grieving not only her lost babies but for the child that will probably never be. I don’t know whether the friend is able to hide this from her child and neither do you but here you are.

A friend of mine was in a smoker position. She has finally had her second. I didn't think it was a great idea as her marriage is on the rocks, her husband isn't interested in the kids. But I would t dream of telling her that!

It's not an appropriate thing to sy, and she will not listen so it's pointless to say it. She will continue with her attempts regardless of anyone else's opinion, and only stop when forced to by age, if her health requires it, or if it needs financial intervention, when the money runs out.

I have had friends in the same position and really the only thing you can do is nod supportingly when they want to talk about it, hold back from making any concrete suggestions, and keep the thoughts you have in your head (or share only with a very trusted person, or a password-controlled journal - that's what I did).

I’d carry on supporting her until she decides for herself that enough is enough.

The OP said that her friend finds no joy in anything. Not her work or hobbies etc. That she bursts into tears every 5 minutes in the middle of unrelated conversations.

You cannot honestly say being in this type of mind space doesn’t rub off on a young child.