To end friendship because I can't stand her husband?

If you don't feel he is isolating her etc then I would just cool it. She doesn't sound as if she puts a lot of effort really into a relationship with you and you don't enjoy the time with them. You have made an effort and sometimes you have to 'read the room'.

It seems that she sees meeting you as a mechanism for the kids to play together rather than her seeing you. Do you arrange them as playdates? If so you could try phrasing it more as 'it would be lovely to catch up with you' rather than being about the kids?

I’d speak to a friend about this if I was in your shoes and tell her that I was disappointed she didn’t show up as I’d arranged to meet her. Your friend might not have realised that you were looking forward to seeing her and saw it just as a play date for the kids. If she wants alone time that’s understandable but not when you have arranged to meet. Maybe it was crossed wires but I’d definitely raise it to avoid it happening again.

engineer social things where it will just be you and not her DH, coffee shops, actually just invite her to a drink one evening and say you prefer girls evenings away from husbands and kids. If she really needs a blunt answer feel free to say “sometimes your DH has a humour that I don’t get / can make me feel sad”.

Trust your instincts x

This.

Plenty more fish in the sea.

The way I read this op @DefrostedAccount is that she doesn’t see you as a friend she sees meets up as a way for the kids to be friends, therefore it doesn’t matter what parent is there to supervise.

He he was genuinely not a nice person no I would not have her around I could not trust her judgement and there is no way this could no influence the way I was towards her so for both of sakes I would not be able to stay friends, but I also do not do 'girlie' stuff anyway so would probably be a good thing she could find other friends

I have had this a couple of times. Once it had a happy ending. We'd arrange to meet up at the park, but he'd arrive instead. If she did come herself he'd invariably come along and join us. I loathed him.

Eventually I had to brace myself and tell her that when we were arranging playmates they were more for me than my kids, and I wanted to see her, not her husband. It had genuinely never occurred to her that anyone would prefer her company to her husband's. There's been times he'd come because he'd stated she needed to get housework done, or get a nap before her shift work. Anything to prevent her having a friend.

She said a couple of years later that was when she started to see that she might need to leave, and that he was preventing that in advance. She actually left when the police were called over suspected dv and they involved social services.

We've drifted over the years for other reasons (my own health issues). But she does have friends of her own now.

@AnxiouslyAwaitingSpring he found out what you'd asked her. Either by reading her messages, or by secretly recording her at home, or by her actually telling him.

I'd be very concerned for her, and potentially think about discussing it with the school safeguarding team.

Well if you don't invite her to yours, then it's just going to keep happening.

Oh I had a very similar situation about a year ago and it still kills me. Sorry for the long post it's quite nuanced but it's just so odd!

I met a mum at school who'd just moved here from Romania to live with her British DH and her own DD.. Get on like a house on fire (her English is perfect) and our DC were besties. Friends is about 7 months pregnant at this point. I also got on 'ok' with her DH but he gave me the absolute creeps and as a survivor of DV myself, I am as certain as I can be without witnessing something, that he's controlling & segregating her.

He works from home and she doesn't drive so any time we met up, bar once, he was with us.
Friend has her baby, so I naturally don't see her for a few weeks but I do get to meet baby once which was lovely.
Her DH does school drop offs so I'd have small talk with him in playground most mornings. He was always polite to me, no issues ....yet.....

This niggling feeling that something wasn't right just wouldn't go so eventually I pluck up the courage to ask her straight. I made all the prefaces like "I really hope I don't offend you in any way with this, I'm only asking out of concern" etc and asked if he was in any way controlling or abusive? She said no and reassured me that she wasn't offended and said she knows I'm only asking as I'm a good friend to her. So I dropped it out of respect for her.

A few months pass by, everything's normal. Chatting on WhatsApp, sharing each week's homework with whoever's DD forgot it, etc. However I still have only seen her once since baby arrived? Though I just assume it's due to having a new baby! I remember it well. Although we are now 3 months down the line and by her own admission, she hasn't left the house with the baby once? Not my business though so I just continue chatting to her, being as supportive as I can and everything seems the exact same as it ever was. She contacts me just as much as I do her. All normal. Until...

Suddenly, one Monday morning, her DH walks straight past me at drop off and looks at me as I say "Morning!" {like I do every day} and he blanks me.... I let it go, but then it happens every morning for a week so I ask her if he's ok "Yes, why?" I explain and she says "Oh he says he hasn't seen you?" So then I gently add that well, actually it's happened every morning this week but I didn't think much of it the first couple of times as we all have bad days, right?! But it doesn't matter, no big deal! and she said "Please don't turn this into something it's not" 🤨

So I figured they must just be struggling with a new baby or have something personal going on? Whatever it is, is not my business. She knew I was there for her. So I assumed that was the end of it.
Nope. The blanking continued and from that moment on, I've had nothing but hostility from any attempt I've made to try and contact her, let alone find out what their issue is with me. I've been deleted from her Facebook & I've only had 2/3 cursory conversations with her via text regarding the children eg: "Just a heads up, (my DD's name) has chicken pox" followed by one civil response from her. That sort of thing.
I'm gutted! She was a fab friend...

I think I'm the friend who has that husband.

Try to drop hints or just ask her out outright but don't drop the friendship...it's likely she needs you.

I would avoid both of them to be honest. She doesn't sound like much for a friend and he sounds like an utter creep. Why on earth should you have to put up with him and give her some free time?

I’ve had this a couple of times. First was years ago, a friend with a DC same age as mine, we spent a lot of time together and she let me and DC stay with her for a few weeks when I left my DH. She was a single parent.
Subsequently she met a married a guy she thought was wonderful, said he would do anything for anyone etc. Except he wasn’t. He was controlling and set out to isolate her, while sponging off her. I told her what I thought of him and that was the end of the friendship. They’re divorced now.
Second one is current. Lovely friend, much admired, successful professional woman on her third marriage. This husband is a predator. He tries every trick in the book to get me alone, he closes the door if we happen to be in a room together and gets between me and the way out. When they leave my house he always finds a reason to nip back so he’s alone with me. I know he’s a heartbeat away from making a move. Total creep. Every time now she tries to make arrangements for us to meet as couples I find an excuse to make it just her and I because he creeps me out.
I think always trust your gut feeling with people - men- like this.

Yes and he was doing it to isolate her, I always asked DH to come with me and he behaved differently (normally) when DH was there. Now they are getting divorced and she needs the support so glad I stuck around, but couldn't have done it without DH support.

No, you are right it is odd

If you like her, but don't want to spend time with him and she often sends him instead of coming to play dates with kids, I would arrange to see her in the evening without the kids. He can look after them, you two can catch up.

Yes this really.

Your update that she sends him instead of coming herself changes things.

I wouldn't have that.

Maybe, but it doesn't make sense to make plans with a friend and then send your husband in your place!

Oh give over you fantasist. OP hasn’t said anything of the sort. In fact she doesn’t seem to be able to say anything about him that is creepy.

Invite her on something he’d hate - like a spa day?

My heart would sink too!
When I meet a friend at a park it’s to chat with them and have the kids play. Not see their husband !

If you invited her to meet for coffee surely she’d come alone then??

Oh I really feel for you. I have this with my sister's partner. I hardly ever see her now because of him . But I guess that's what he wanted!