Should you wait until you’re in love before getting into a relationship ?

Run. Now.

Seriously.
He's making you jump through hoops to make you feel you can win his love.
(You can't win someone's love btw. They either love you for you, or they can leave. Don't try and be what they claim they'll love.. it'll be a lovely based on untruths and lies)

No, no, no.

he’s right and it’s my lack of patience that needs work

Nope, uh uh, no...

"Just wait a bit longer, I might love you if you agree to my conditions..."

That's not how love should work.

All these different labels and categories sound exhausting. Plus why does he get to choose?

Surely a couple "falls in love" as they go along. If you don't, call it a day and split up. Falling in love is the action, loving one another is the emotion.

Meh, I'd dump him for this conversation alone. You'd be spending the whole time wondering how he feels and if he has decided if he is in love and not actually getting to decide how you feel.

Definitely the idea! Especially at that age, it’s so all or nothing at 17. I thought I was madly in love with my first bf and again, he was a cheat and an asshole. I was totally in love with the idea of him, the idea of love, the idea of being loved! It’s so real. I think we definitely discern the difference as we get older, at least that’s the plan isn’t it.

When we rush love/being in love it makes it stay in situations that might not be right for us. Hence why I’m talking about breathing room to figure out who you are as a couple and if it’s a good thing

I do think though OP, you guys are talking about his exes too much. Your relationship shouldn’t be being compared.

He'll likely say "I love you" when he doesn't mean it because he wants to dip his dick and that's the route to a girls pants..

Tell him to go a love himself with a dildo dipped in chilli sauce.

Same here. I'm 66 and I find it all quite baffling.

You went out with someone, carried on going out and nobody (apart from KS3 teenagers) asked anybody to 'be their girlfriend'. I note also that it seems to be quite strictly patriarchal that it's him who will ask her.

9 days in you don’t even know someone. You can fall “in love” sure, but it’s more with the idea of them than who they truly are. I also think out of respect you let it breath and give time and space to let these feelings solidify. Declaring them after a week is love bombing. It’s not healthy.

There isn’t a set time when you should or shouldn’t declare it. My partner and I did at the 6 months mark. That’s when we decided we were all in together, a true team.

I think that's an odd way of looking at things. I would usually expect to be in a relationship with someone before I realised I was in love with them. I agree with @Snowmanscarf and would always consider any relationship I was in was boyfriend/girlfriend from the outset and would expect that it would be exclusive immediately. I don't think you can plan for how long it will take to fall in love with someone but I think it's something that happens when you're in a relationship, not before you start one and it seems completely bizarre to expect to be in love before committing to a relationship.

Before I met my husband, I had lots of relationships but would have been very worried if I had fallen in love with every boyfriend I had - I don't think true love happens very often but when you meet the right person you can often know quite quickly. My husband and I fell in love with each other within a month and moved in together after we'd been going out together for about three months (it would have been sooner but it was really difficult to find rented property in those days if you weren't married). That was nearly 50 years ago. I think being in love is very different from the deeper love that you develop for someone over time.

I am old as well and it seems so complicated now . Before , you met someone - if it wasn't a one off you would simply date .You would just see how things went after each date .

There would be no talk about being " exclusive " - that was a given . If they were seeing other people that would be cheating and you would dump them .

You would fall "in love / lust ? " and that would deepen to love .
Obviously some relationships wouldn't last very long and you might not get to the in love stage / love stage .

There were no fixed timetables but I suppose as you hit your late 20s / thirties and if you were interested in having kids , you would maybe consider after 6 months / a year if you thought the relationship was going anywhere and if not end it .

It was all different with each relationship and you didn't have a fixed timetable in mind other than when you hit your late 20s .

I do hate the tick box exercise before you are " official " - girlfriend and boyfriend now . It seems very transactional and almost like a job interview where you have to meet certain criteria before you are " hired " . It seems quite cold rather than I like you and want to get to know you more and let's see how things go .

Also hate the "exclusive" tag as well, as before then you are setting out - I am still keeping my options open as haven't decided . Again it seems quite cold .

In some ways your current date / not sure if he is a "boyfriend " is being honest and is probably better than someone who love bombs you from the start .

Good luck 🤞 and remember it is a two way thing too , don't get tied up on the messages he is giving you and what he wants . Remember that your thoughts about him / the relationship progressing are equally as important .

Disagree with this, it gives 0 time to test things and actually find out if you really like the person! Dating is for getting to know them and testing compatibility, you can do this exclusively. Ie, we’ve had a first date - we like this, we want to see where it goes, we are now “dating/seeing each other” then give it time to breath before you start announcing to everyone you’re a couple.

you can be besotted with someone who is very wrong for you, very easily. My DP and I were exclusively dating for around 6 months before it all went “Facebook official” as the kids say. We are more in love now than we ever were. We were also certainly more truly in love at 1 year than 2 months. Intimacy takes time to grow and stronger bonds form over time too.

Don’t make it so complicated. It doesn’t need to be.

You've had far too much chat about his exs

All this formalising of stages and letting you know when you’ll be considered good enough to be his girlfriend is just 21st century bollocks! And seemingly designed to give men even more ways to torture women.

He sounds like a programmed robot🤣

“I……now……love…….you”

Seriously, everyone is different, and it can all hinge on the depth of that love, not the timing. Telling someone you love them is a huge moment, hopefully reciprocated.

The right approach is the one that works for you. If you're not comfortable with all the carrot-dangling he's doing, then he's not the one for you.

There will be men out there with the same view as you who you'll likely be even more compatible with.

I do think having love for someone and being “in love” with them are two different things, I have a lot of love for my friends, I’m not in love with them, and you see it often where couples separate and say that while they still have a lot of love for each other they are not IN love with each other. It’s a difference between a romantic love and a platonic love maybe?

Yep same here. I wouldn't be interested in a man who said he'd ask me to be his girlfriend at a future point in time 'if all went well'. It's a very arrogant attitude.

No. You asked me out, I agreed, we went on more than one date- we are exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend.