Should you wait until you’re in love before getting into a relationship ?

Im nearly 60 and this new approach to dating baffles me.

The old fashioned way where we met someone we liked, went on a date, decided if we liked each other enough to have more dates and at that point we were bf and gf, none of the exclusive chat/wait and see before we label it.

And love developed over time. From realising we liked this person, to really liking them and then realising we were in love but if we waited til we were in love to start a relationship, most of us would be waiting a long time.

And I do believe that love really can develop through shared lives because the couple I know who are most close in their 50's had an arranged marriage, they are so loved up ! She reckons it took over a year before she was truly comfortable around him and love really did grow steadily, they had been together years before she would agree to have dc, but now you cannot tell they had an arranged marriage

Oh yes, how did I know 🤣

Ying and yang, baby! Meet each other in the middle, be patient with each others difficulties and ways. mine is genuinely the best relationship I’ve ever been in. We understand each other in such a beautiful way and we are really open and respect we both are how we are.

Several thoughts on this:

Your ADHD is making you massively over-think this.
Find other things to think about: how is the rest of your life? Friends, family, work and/or studying, career plans, hobbies and interests - your relationship status should not be the single most important thing.

It is just playing with words in the end, but to my mind "being in love" comes first, and "loving" comes later. You can "be in love" from first sight - it is all to do with projection, fantasy, limerence, lust, crush, obsession, and a whole load of stuff that is irrelevant to whether you actually know the person.
Real love requires that you truly know the person and it only deepens with time.
I think your BF has it back to front, but as I said, it is just playing with the definitions of words and it is not really important how you label it.

It doesn't matter when a BF says "I love you" - some can say it within a few weeks and it doesn't mean much. Some don't say it for years.
What really matters is how he treats you - actions speak louder than words.

You should not be talking with him about his previous girlfriends, let alone when he first "loved" them. That is just feeding your anxiety and is not healthy. His past relationships are irrelevant.
If he starts talking about them, or starts up these ridiculous conversations about how he feels and when he might feel this or that in the future and how he labels it, shut it down. Change the subject. Tell him that you want to talk about XYZ, or it is time to go and do ABC.
Show by your actions that you are not interested in playing silly mind-games and word-games.

Your fear of being hurt is understandable, but life and love are about taking risks. Just go with what you feel, let yourself be open to feeling deeply, and see how it turns out. Enjoy the process of dating and getting to know each other. That is all there is to it.

I think love, true love, develops over time. You can date, be in a monogamous relationship before you reach that deep love, because in my experience it's not something I'd feel after a month.

I think you are over thinking things, have fun, see where it goes

So you are seeing each other, neither of you love the other yet, but you are asking him when he thinks he will love you?

I just wasn’t sure , I thought to be in a relationship you had to be in love first , maybe that’s where I go wrong in relationships 🤣

How can you be in love with someone you're not yet in a relationship with?! You start dating, as time goes on and you get to know each other better, either you fall in love or you don't and you eventually split. Maybe it's just me but I don't ever remember anyone overthinking all this relationship business back in the 90s. We went out for drinks, got to know people, and took it from there

God, yes, the modern way is soooo over dramatic and unnecessary.

I wouldn’t quite call it girlfriend and boyfriend after just one date though. In my day (90s) you’d go on a date and if you liked them you’d both go “oh I had a nice night, it would be good to do it again if you want to.” And then you’d arrange another one. And it would just continue from there. Or not, if you decided to tell them you didn’t think you were quite right for each other.

maybe after 4 dates or so you’d jokingly say “so is this the point we can refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend?”

What didn’t happen was messing around with any other blokes, also going on dates with them at the same time. That was really frowned on. People just wouldn’t have accepted it. No-one wants to do the “pick me dance.” I don’t know how or why the dates with multiple people at the same time has suddenly become acceptable ( and indeed how people even have time in their lives for that).

is it the Love Island influence or something, all this “so are we exclusive?” nonsense. It’s really boring the way people drone on about it.

ADHD can make you feel “all in” with things instantly, yes, but then it’s on you to recognise if that’s genuine love for HIM or if it’s very heightened emotion in general and a need to be loved as you’ve described here. It takes time to figure it out. Feeling something one instant and running with it sounds exactly what he’s trying to avoid. Is there any chance he’s ASD? I ask because the ADHD girl/ASD boy relationship dynamic is.. well, iconic. And for a reason. Their patient “think it all out first” and “follow the rules” approach is a very good match for our all or nothing.

Some people are saying the OP should get out and that he's trying to dictate how the relationship goes, but I get the impression he is just wanting things to progress naturally and see how things develop, but the OP is putting pressure on him to say he loves her, and if not now when, so he is coming up with some sort of timeline to keep her happy.

Aw, at least you are communicating, some don’t ever reach that stage! When your heart skips a beat, that’s love. When you lock eyes but can’t say anything to each other, that’s love. When you are still a bit of a secret to family and friends, that’s love. When you spend ages saying goodbye, that’s love. When he washes the car so it’s clean for you, but leaves you standing in a snowstorm ‘cos he’s late (🤣) that’s love. When you go out and walk the dog, and the dog runs off ‘cos you are having a smooch, that’s love. (We found the dog at home safe). I wrote a letter/card and posted it, every day to my OH when he was away finishing his degree. He did the same back. No emails etc…. In our young days, it was a short phone call or you wrote. We still have our letters.

All the best👍

Sounds like its not the relationship for you.

this

This is not the relationship for you. You're already on the back foot. He's dangling a carrot that you have to earn. Will you adjust your thinking, behaviours, personality to be "worthy" of that love? It seems likely, as you've already made some posts that suggest you're the problem.

It is not a healthy start for a relationship and it doesn't tend to get any better.

Well you can't love someone before you are with them, can you? Why are you having such in depth conversations about his previous relationships and when he told them he loves them etc. You sound very immature/insecure and as if you want him to declare that he's madly in love with you, when he barely knows you.

Simple rules for life that I like to share.

First - a partner should add to your life and make it better... If they bring drama, doubt, questioning yourself, fear, anxiety etc. THEY AINT WORTH IT

Second - Every single person on earth makes music as they travel through life. The key to happiness is to find a person who loves the songs you play and avoid the people who want to change your sound. Equally, find a partner who plays what you want to hear, not a partner where you need to rearrange their notes.

Thirdly - chores can wait - fuck em. 🤪