Should you wait until you’re in love before getting into a relationship ?

My partner says he fell in love with me on the second date. We didn't say it though until about ten months in when we were on a train going to see my parents for the first time. We had the exclusive chat, only because we met on tinder and were seeing other people initially though not having sex with each other or anyone else. After about 2 months we slept together and have been together for 11 years now. It's different for everyone lovely, there's no ideal timeline.

I do believe it’s just my adhd craving that love and having 0 patience.

This makes you very vulnerable, particularly to a man who is already talking to you as if he holds all the cards. He will very easily manipulate you to the point you are grateful to him for giving you the slightest hint at what you want. Bin him off.

I agree, but this is still the driving point. Most people enjoying updating their things online and letting their family/friends know when nice things happen. It’s not a negative thing to allow space to discover if a relationship is “right” for you before introducing them to your family, or in this case - the machine. My comments weren’t personal but rather insight into why things have developed the way they have.

sorry, that was in reply to @MissDoubleU

Maybe don't live your life online then? I don't anymore. No-one can be their true authentic selves on SM, so what's the point really? Put a few photos up now and then, of your kids or your holidays or your nan's 80th party, or a nice walk in the country, or whatever. No need to stress over it all, put filters on so you look better, wonder what people will read into it, you don't even have to fill in most of the personal details sections. FB etc will only use the data anyway...

Well, this is true - I love a lot of my friends, but I'm not in love with them. The difference is I'm not shagging them. If someone I was in an intimate relationship with was talking about love, I'd expect it to be more than platonic love - if it wasn't, then essentially you're just friends with benefits...

And it is! I love all my friends, with deep and true love and care. When you date someone, you should feel that way about them. You should care deeply in the same way you do your friends. No I don’t mean platonically, I just mean a genuine love for another person who is important to you. That is still different to genuinely falling in love with them and knowing that good or bad, this is my person. This is someone who will shape who I am, who is my future etc. someone I will make big sacrifices for and who will do the same for me. Those sweeping broad statements shouldn’t come early on, but you can still absolutely feel love for that person.

And I think it’s very positive that he does feel this way.

Stop talking about it. You are putting him under pressure because you want a time frame. He's giving you the best answers he can based on previous relationships. Just drop it. It sounds desperate.

It sounds like a load of old nonsense to me. What does he think is the difference between 'in love' and loving someone? Honestly, it sounds like he is messing with your emotions and you'd be better off without him!

I don't think you can live someone after a few months. Not truly. Even a year is pushing it. Love is a slow burn.

I’m 37 and think it should be this way

I'm old school too. Probably why i found online dating so hard. It was called two timing in my day and frowned upon, now it's multi dating and perfectly okay.

I think after a month or so of dating you were classed as boyfriend/girlfriend you didn't ask. It was obvious by then you were serious, you didn't need to ask. You didn't plan when you could say you loved someone, it just happened or it didn't. I think I've only ever loved 4 men, the last one was a bit of a surprise.

Life and dating was so much simpler.

Exactly. That’s what I’m saying. But then people often consider the relationship truly “official” when someone goes from single to “in a relationship with X” like on FB.

If you use FB, Eventually it’s gonna happen. It’s not a bad thing. But you don’t want to be changing it every time you go on a bloody date 😂

Seems to me to be a lot of overthinking going on here. If you are enjoying being together and not doing any other stuff on the side with other people, then just go with the flow and stop labelling everything. Trying to categorise types of love seems quite crackers.

💯- all this FB official nonsense after a few weeks makes me cringe.

Maybe some people need to learn to have a life away from SM - it’s not difficult.

This all seems so complicated - and I think half the problem is labelling all the different stages of a relationship (including 'relationship'). In my eyes, the point at which you are dating you are having some sort of a relationship. It might not be serious. It might eventually become serious. Or it might not. In my experience, the point at which I started seeing someone regularly was the point at which they became 'boyfriend' (without anybody needing to declare that the case). The 'I love you' stuff came later after we'd got to know each other better and those feelings had developed. I think trying to differentiate between 'love' and 'in love' is a bit weird - to me, the only time there is a difference is when it is platonic, and so you might love a friend, but not be 'in love' with them. If someone is sleeping with you, then I would expect any talk of love to be the 'in love' type.

Surely the solution to this is not announce anything on social media, there's no need.

This. Everything had to be pored over and labelled now, it sounds exhausting.

I think one of the big changes is SM. It’s easy if it’s just amongst yourselves to say “we are dating, we are therefore boyfriend/girlfriend” but that then quickly leads to putting it online. As soon as it’s online, everyone is in your business. Everyone knows you’re “together” and if it doesn’t work out it’s another “failed” relationship. Another notch on the bedpost, ye know?

A lot of the “seeing each other” chat I feel comes from this, being committed to someone but still allowing privacy before it get announced/made “official” in this way. It’s actually very easy for people to feel trapped as soon as it is online and all their family and friends know that’s their partner now. You just want time to figure out if this is really someone you want to commit to (ie, the dating stage). You still do see them as a boyfriend/girlfriend but like I say, breathing room. As soon as it’s all online it’s a case of meeting the parents and aunties and grandparents in one fell swoop!

Modern life IS different now, it’s absolutely not as simple but there are genuine reasons behind it.

He said if all goes well he’d ask me to be his girlfriend but would wait until about 3 months in

I would walk the fuck away from this attempt to dangle you from a string.

The spirit of Princess Diana is coming through strongly with this one.