Unwanted potential guest...please help!

Did you actually want Ray to move in - do you need the money? It sounds a bit like this situation is what your partner wants and you've gone along with it. Is it what you actually want, because being in your late 30s/40s and having some random misogynistic guy sharing your and your partner's house isn't exactly the dream for most women? Nobody wants to be Dorothy from Men Behaving Badly.

Definitely don't let this other woman in or you won't see the back of her. If you do let her stay, make it clear that she can only stay a few days - however I suspect you'll be stuck with her unless Ray grosses her out so much that she leaves, which also sounds possible.

I'd be VERY clear to DH that he is making a fool of himself in prioritising a flaky woman he has never met above his family. You might want to point out the ridiculousness of DH thinking he is 'losing face' to a bloke who can't even get his shit together to find a flat or girlfriend in his mid-thirties.

Ray is a twat but your DH needs to stop making YOU the party-pooper and own and solve the problem.

Excellent post @SlightlyJaded you put that better than I could.

Your daughter must feel really uncomfortable being made to live with two unrelated males, one of which is a pervert and a bully.
Do you really need to live with your boyfriend? Obviously boot out the pervert.

It’s the difference between a guest and a 5th lodger.

And since Ray has been clear in the past that he wants a sexual relationship with her, this is clearly what he wants.

A few nights, while Ray is there, even a week - ok. But for a log period, where the woman is there for days when Ray is away, in the house while the OP works from home: that’s a 5th lodger.

The OP and DP might object if the Dd introduced a permanent live in boyfriend as a 5th lodger.

OP: I would tell Ray ‘guests no problem’ and put a time limit on it of no more than a week.

Is he your husband or partner, and if partner how long have you been together? How old is your daughter? If you are not married and haven't been together long, then he is not your daughters stepfather, he's your boyfriend, and as such does not get to dictate whether she can have friends stay. Honestly it sounds as though you have sleepwalked into a shit situation, where you (and your daughter) are sharing a home with a grown man who makes crude sexual remarks about women, who is apparently incapable or unwilling to get his own home (even if its just a house share) at the age of 30. Your boyfriend isn't much better. I suspect housing his mate is the priority, your relationship is a means to this end, as he clearly isn't putting you or your daughters needs ahead of his friend. You don't say how old you are but is this really what you want? Personally I would sit down and work out how you can afford to live alone with your daughter, instead of subjecting her to this shit show.

Why are you having a person like ray around your daughter
If he makes you feel uncomfortable,he's obviously making her feel uncomfortable.
Ray needs to go
And get a nice lady lodger in instead

Whether it seems reasonable to have someone else staying is affected by whether you see it as a 4-way house share or yours & DP's home. BUT doing this without prior agreement is TOTALLY unacceptable, whatever the perspective, especially given the legal implications. And to care more about his own embarrassment than you being comfortable in your own home!! OP who should be calling who 'controlling'?

If DP apologises and this is not typical behaviour (big IF there) I might be tempted to agree that she can stay at weekends when Ray is there but not when he isn't. Presumably this is the case for other friends staying, like DD's boyfriend. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but it's difficult to say no to this if it's 1/4 rent share and you have other people staying. I would tell him though that his lack of regard for you has made you question your relationship and that if you and DD are uncomfortable at home you will move out. His response to that will tell you something important.

DH, Ray and Piss-taker can jog on.

I'd be VERY clear to DH that he is making a fool of himself in prioritising a flaky woman he has never met above his family. You might want to point out the ridiculousness of DH thinking he is 'losing face' to a bloke who can't even get his shit together to find a flat or girlfriend in his mid-thirties.

Ray is a twat but your DH needs to stop making YOU the party-pooper and own and solve the problem.

This

Has your dp never heard the words “tipping point”? @TrickySituation22

Ray needs to go, and a no to the woman moving in. And if DP wants to go with them he can too.

why is he not on board with you on this? Who the fuck does he think he is making a decision to agree to this shit show without at least considering talking to you before making a decision?

If you are not married and if you are all paying 1/4 and if your partner moved his mate in, it means he views you as a flatmate, not a partner. This idiotic outburst about nobody being able to stay if this rando woman does not stay also shows that he is not your partner, but a flatmate. In a way it is good it happened - it showed you that you were labouring under a misapprehension, as they say. Re-evaluate your 'relationship and move out!

Hell no. Ray either moves out with her or she finds somewhere.
She's had no interest in you, she's used Ray and will now use you.
This would end in tears.

how long is left on your lease? I’d move out, just you and your daughter, and leave them to it.

Not necessarily so simple
We have no idea what the terms of OP's Tenancy agreement are and without this information nobody can tell her to just move out.

So your boyfriend is now calling you misogynist names and is defending his misogynistic friend. What a surprise.

This is over, isn't it.

I would REALLY enjoy moving out, if I was you.

HRTFT

this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere

he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.

But this woman isn't coming to stay is she though, she's affectively moving in and will be living there until such times she feels ready to move out.

There's a big difference between you or your DD having a friend/family member stay for a night or two to someone being there 24/7.

In all honesty if that was me I'd be telling your DP that if she moves in you'll be removing your name from the rental agreement and moving out, and actually go through with it.

It’s basically sounds like a house share. He’s happy with that to save money, you aren’t. I’d be looking to leave

DDs bf

It is not Ray, it is DP who says it.

Kick him out fgs, he has no right to make demands on wether your Ds bf can stay or not. Just give him s few days notice snd he must leave then the problem is solved.

Don't have him dictating the terms, its your home and you and your DH call the shots because numbnuts is massivly overstepping the mark, and is taking advantage. You and your family don't deserve this stress so let him deal with it.

I don't know if it's possible, but if it comes to it and negotiations with partner don't have a good outcome, then I would try to re-assign the lease into partner, Ray and partners' names.

Then get the hell out of Dodge and rent with your daughter. I know it sounds simple on paper, and maybe partner's reaction was knee jerk.

However I would stand my ground and refuse to have a fifth person there, particularly since she appears to have "issues".

Your DP is being unreasonable. Even if he views it as a house share situation, half the people living in it are opposed to the new occupant moving in, so it shouldn't happen.
Him saying that you or DD are no longer allowed guests is retaliatory (he presumably never had a problem before) and comparing apples to oranges. You do not know this person, it is not for a short determinate duration, ....
Would the landlord even allow this? It's in our lease we cannot have guests stay more than 21 days for example.

For clarification, the house is rented and in mine and my partner's names. The landlord is aware of our long term guests i.e Ray and my daughter and we all pay 1/4 rent and bills.

Would (not) girlfriend if Ray be paying 1/5 of rent and bills?

I would find a flat with your daughter and move out. Your partner sounds like hard work!

The crux of this is you’re living like 4 housemates, so your partner’s logic is sound in that regard. You all split all bills equally, rent equally, you are equal housemates in all relevant ways.

Essentially, you have sub-let half of the house to someone of your choice and he’s done the same. So he wants everyone to be treated fairly and have equal say in house rules/what is acceptable.

You aren’t unreasonable at all to not want this random woman to live with you, but you’re unreasonable to not see that the crux of the issue is different opinions between you and your partner on what your living arrangement actually is. You seem to think it’s a couple and child, with a lodger. He thinks it’s 3 rooms occupied by housemates (2 of whom are also in a couple).

He's your partners friend your your child's partner whil different dynamic. Give him notice to leave