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Original poster

Unwanted potential guest...please help!

304 replies

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 01:35

Me and my partner live with my adult daughter. We let our spare room to my partner's longstanding mate who is single, but always hoping for a girlfriend, he's late 30's now, let's call him Ray.
Ray is fine but sometimes give me the ick when he's overtly sexual and crude over his comments about women on TV etc.
He met a woman a few years ago who had been with her partner for 10+ years, and he struck up a friendship with her. However we have never met her as she refused all invitations to our home or to meet up elsewhere. She also used Ray for lifts to the airport when holidaying with friends, for work done to her car and for meals out etc, he paid for everything. He did all this in the hope of getting closer to her (basically he said he wanted to have sex with her) despite the fact that she was with a partner and kept Ray strictly in the friendzone.
Today my partner has announced that Ray has called him and this woman has now split up with her long-standing boyfriend and has nowhere to go and will be coming to live with us until she can find somewhere. Ray says she will be sleeping in his room, but as friends.
No discussion, just presented to me and my daughter as a fait accompli.
My daughter and I are not happy, she's a complete stranger and Ray works away during the week so we would be here alone with her. Apparently according to Ray she has a lot of 'issues' and is going to find it very difficult finding a place a living on her own as she's not a 'coper'.
We've told my partner we don't want it because she sounds like a user and hasn't wanted to meet us before. Plus there's no room for her car and I work from home.
My partner is now embarrassed as we've messaged on our home group chat to the effect that we are not happy about this decision and he is saying in that case no one can stay, not even my daughter's boyfriend, nor any of my friends, ever, not even for one night.
We've been happy to have other friends of Ray's stay the odd night before, guys we have known.
Am I being unreasonable thinking this is an unfair request? We did say one or two nights would be ok but then she'd need to have concrete plans.

OP posts:
EdithBond · 18/02/2025 07:52

YANBU

Would be a hard no from me. I wouldn’t want to have a stranger move permanently into my home. You presumably don’t need an extra person living there. Plus, the woman sounds in a vulnerable state and Ray shouldn’t be offering to let her sleep in his bedroom. You would be complicit.

Sounds like your DP views it as a house share with his mate, not a home with his partner and her DD. I suggest you and your daughter get your own little place and leave your DP to it with Ray.

Thereislightattheendofthetunnel · 18/02/2025 07:50

Your house, your rules. I would not be tolerating Roy making them under my roof. He can find somewhere else and his little no coper bird too. Seems they all need their mammies.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 18/02/2025 07:45

Oh and I wouldn’t tell him you are looking - when the new lease is signed tell him when your moving out

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 18/02/2025 07:45

How long is your lease for OP? I would probably get in touch with the landlord explain what’s happening and say you and your daughter need to leave, yes costs might increase for you and your daughter but you won’t have a creep( s) living with you and by the sounds of it you will be better off emotionally, I’d also consider ending the relationship with your partner - what man is happy for his friend to move in with him and then someone else again, seems strange, does your partner have financial troubles? Either way start looking for a place for you and your daughter even a nice little 2 bed flat and take all your stuff when you go,,, your do and ray and this woman can all buy more together

SapphOhNo · 18/02/2025 07:44

Don't accept this women into your home.

Tell DH it is a complete different story if you, he or your daughter want guests for the night. Ray is a lodger

Is your DH usually such a dick?

Crayfishforyou · 18/02/2025 07:42

Ray sounds creepy AF. He has been a total predator of this woman, and he is now going to press his advantage under the guise of offering sanctuary.
He sounds vile.
I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me.

RaininSummer · 18/02/2025 07:40

Ray is very very cheeky. Also having a friend to stay is rather different from housing a homeless woman you have never met, who also seems to have some issues. You will never get rid of them.

aphroditeflighty · 18/02/2025 07:36

I think your partner needs to swallow their pride, and you have to tell Ray; it's been fine having you here whilst you were single, but it's not possible to have you here as a couple... We're glad you're moving on with your life, but if you're moving in with a lady 'friend' then you'll have to spread your wings and find your own place.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 18/02/2025 07:35

I think you need to remind Ray he's renting a room in your home, you make the rules, not him, and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.

Zonder · 18/02/2025 07:34

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 06:33

*Zanatdy *

yes you're right. He feels he's lost face and is embarrassed. Seems he values his friend Ray more than my feelings.
Now he's expecting an apology from me and has completely blown up at me, saying I'm a controlling jealous woman.

Controlling because you don't want a 5th adult, a random woman you've never met, living there?

The problem is, Ray and your p don't see this as your house. They see it as a general house share.

How long have you been with your P? Did he move in with you or did you get the house together?

ConstantlyFuriosa · 18/02/2025 07:34

How long have you lived in the house, and has Ray been there the whole time?

DisforDarkChocolate · 18/02/2025 07:34

Roy and your partner seems to have forgotten that Roy is a lodger. He gets no say in who stays over and he doesn't get to move people in.

He needs to find somewhere else to live, you can easily find another lodger.

Her being a user etc doesn't need to be part of any discussion.

PinkPonyClub25 · 18/02/2025 07:32

Ew, I wouldn't want a random woman staying with me either having sex in the next bedroom. Ray sounds like a sex offender too. I'd be seriously rethinking this whole living arrangement.

Msmoonpie · 18/02/2025 07:26

Tbh I wouldnt have let Ray stay either given his comments towards women when he is in fact a guest of a woman in her home.

Id boot him and the dp out.

Finallybackinbootcuts · 18/02/2025 07:24

This Ray character sounds like a real wazzock yet you’re DP really likes him? Is your DP actually a bit of a wazzock to?

BeeSeeDee · 18/02/2025 07:24

ExtraOnions · 18/02/2025 06:58

Ray wants to offer a place to stay, to a vulnerable woman, he wants to have sex with…. And this place is his bedroom. Sex Offender behaviour

Absolutely this!

ConcernedOfClapham · 18/02/2025 07:16

Nlabw · 18/02/2025 02:15

Your DP is a fuckwit thinking this woman can stay. Red flags everywhere.

and worse than being a fuckwit is his tantrum about you/your dd not being allowed friends/BF over as a result.

he sounds really thick.

And, lets be honest, ‘Ray’ sounds like a bit of a loser too; crude comments about women, yet desperately trying to find one who might sleep with him (unlikely I’m afraid, ‘Ray’, sorry) and consequently allows himself to be used and humiliated.

I’d want him out of there, to be honest - and if my partner didn’t agree, well he can go with him.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 18/02/2025 07:12

Scarydinosaurs · 18/02/2025 07:06

I would look for somewhere just you and your daughter.

Yes - I would too.

BitOutOfPractice · 18/02/2025 07:11

DO NOT ALLOW HER TO STAY “FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS”. SHE WILL NOT LEAVE!

yes im shouting. Yes I speak from experience. Yes it will break you and your relationship.

I think it’s time Ray put his big boy pants on and found his own place to live, like a real grown up.

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 18/02/2025 07:08

That’s so unreasonable. No way would I be having this. Your partner is being a dick saying no one to stay ever. Such a piss take. I’d get rid of your partner too. He should be on your side. Your home is your sanctuary. Keep it that way.

BilboBlaggin · 18/02/2025 07:07

Wow! Your DP is a complete arse. It's bad enough he wants his misogynist pal staying all the time but who does he think he is that he can demand another person - a stranger (with issues) - starts living with you. He sounds very controlling, the way he's reacted to you and your DD standing your ground. You may need to remind him that your name is on the rental agreement too, and you get an equal say in who lives in the house. If he won't budge on this, and it's typical of his behaviour, then time to part ways.

Scarydinosaurs · 18/02/2025 07:06

I would look for somewhere just you and your daughter.

ExtraOnions · 18/02/2025 06:58

Ray wants to offer a place to stay, to a vulnerable woman, he wants to have sex with…. And this place is his bedroom. Sex Offender behaviour

LadyMargaretPoledancer · 18/02/2025 06:54

As its come to a head you need to tackle this head on.

How much time is left on the lease?

Can you afford to live with just you and your daughter?

Your partner is not your partner. You are being used to subsidise rent so he and Ray can live like 'Men behaving badly'.

You need to have a very serious talk with your partner about Ray moving out. If he refuses then you need to make plans yourself to move or take over the lease.

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 18/02/2025 06:43

TrickySituation22 · 18/02/2025 06:33

*Zanatdy *

yes you're right. He feels he's lost face and is embarrassed. Seems he values his friend Ray more than my feelings.
Now he's expecting an apology from me and has completely blown up at me, saying I'm a controlling jealous woman.

How Laughable.

You'd be insane to let then move in and honestly ypu dont sound happy about Ray either.
Perhaps this is the catslyst Ray needs to get out of your house.

Also the pure misogyny that Ray only bothered to consult "the man of the house," and that the "man of the house" unilayetally decided.

I dont say this likely but this is a hill I'd die on. No apologies no concessions

Your dickhead partner is 💯 in the wrong.

So is the poster who think ray has rights - he is a lodger anda moocher from the sounds of it He has close to no rights.
Also who wants FIVE people in a 3 bed 😱