Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

I voted YABU only because it all sounds like poor communication issue to be honest. Why did you leave a cake till last minute and didnt raise needing a hand at home when he mentioned he might be going on a bike ride?
I understand where you are coming from but to be fair I learnt not to assume anything and have a straight forward communication to avoid a lot of small disagreements.

🙄

Sorry OP how your social outing was ruined by your DH. When he said he can’t go on a bike ride again he is blowing it all out of proportion. It’s possible he was stressed or tired but it is no excuse whatsoever with how he carried on.

When was the bike ride agreed? If the day before then hair washes could have been done the night before.
Did you have to make a cake ? I would have bought on in this situation. I don’t think DH was going out for a bike ride was wrong but would have expected him back 15 mins before you needed to leave in order to get showered. Not wrong to prioritise his leisure over the kids hair washes or baking on my opinion .
sounds like you wanted to be superwoman with a perfect happy family and then felt sad that this image was spoilt .

He sounds disrespectful of your time although it's not great to have a row at your friends house, I'd have saved it for later if I were you

Oh OP he needs pulling back into line. How rude when you have a commitment, Embarrassing for you and awkward for your friends all because of his selfishness. Bet your hosts were not in the least bit impressed.

I get being annoyed he sounds like a moron, but I don't think it warranted getting tearful at your friend's house, I would've just left on time without him. If he was gone for an hour just before you left surely you didn't leave it until then to bake a cake?
Unfortunately I think this happens with a lot of SAHMs, men happy with that balance are also the kind that see the home and children as 'women's work'. I agree with PP drop the rope, give him little notice and go out, like he does to you, assume he will be with the children, if there's no cake there's no cake, stop doing chores to your detriment if the laundry is behind or the washing up isn't done, so be it.

I can see people saying you were over the top.

However, going for a bike ride just before going out is the kind of thing an 8 year old boy would do.

I would have probably wash d kids hair day before not on morning im due out for lunch and got a cake to make. I think crying at your friends house is quite over the top. You’re being a bit of a martyr. Just tell him next weekend you’re going for a swim and yoga or something. Everyone needs a bit of down time.

This.
Also, do you "allow" (not the word I want exactly but can't find a better way to phrase it) him to make mistakes or do things his way when he does look after the children? I've seen some women be so nit picky about how their DP's care for the children the man gives up. Not saying that is you but I do have some (limited) sympathy for the men in those cases.

It did make a difference to the outcome though - it made the morning a lot more stressful than it needed to be as you were trying to get yourself ready and get two kids ready at the same time as baking a cake. When one parent goes out when there are young kids involved it doubles the workload of the other parent. Just because you coped with it, because you're used to it doesn't make it less annoying.

And you should never be punished for telling him how you feel after he asked you. He was effectively expecting you to lie about how you felt. And sulking, freezing you out, embarrassing you infront of your friends is punishment, he is an adult and could have used his words. Nasty behaviour.

Please don't apologise for honestly answering a question about your feelings. He is trying to steer you into just putting up with his shit.

Honestly you get what you stand for. I’m also a SAHM with a 3 & 4 year old. DH has a ‘big job’ and has tried intensely over the years to put me in the ‘you are the 24/7 parent, house keeper, cook and maid’ box, not to be intentionally cruel but just because it would make his like a lot better. I understand human nature is always to lean into the best deal for ourselves. I just don’t allow it.

If DH had done that I’d have been jumping in the car the moment he arrived back, leaving him with both kids to follow on behind me in his car. I’d have probably bathed but not dressed the kids he could do that and I’d buy a cake on my way. Enjoy a nice chat with our friends before he and the kids arrived. Because my DH is starting to learn that I won’t just mop up him not being responsible he’s taking much more responsibility. He is accountable because not being back fires on HIM not just on me!

As a SAHM I already work the same 70 ish hours a week he does so when he’s home we share the load end of!

That's a strange take.

OP had to get herself and the kids ready on time herself and make a cake. If he knew they were going out at a certain time, he should have been ready. He wouldn't be late for work, so why does he think it is OK here? its about respect.

He should have apologised rather than blaming the OP for being annoyed at his lack of consideration.

So the upshot of this is you were 10 mins late visiting your friend?

YABU.

Does he do this a lot? My husband was a bit like this. When I turned 45 I decided if he wanted a separate life, I could actually have a fun separate life too. I did what I did with no digs or expectations of him.
Cooked what I liked, ate when I wanted to, went out when I liked. If I needed some child free time took it with little warning and trusted him with parenting. Didn't rise to any arguments, just behaved like he behaved without being being pointed or agressive about it. I started living my life. If I had no time to do the chores i just didn't do them. (E.g. DH: Why aren't there any clean dishes? Me watching Ozark: I dunno... I guess we've all been busy today and we're all pretty tired.) It was mildly chaotic for a while, but things have balanced out now and we are closer and he is more considerate of me and pulls his weight.

Remember, it's not a war: it's just you, your DH and the kids living fun and happy lives.

You had every right to be upset with him. He’s been a complete arse about this. Being a sahp doesn’t mean you’re the default parent 24/7. He has to step up at the weekends as they are his responsibility too.
he should have been at home earlier helping you get the kids ready instead of cycling about. Unless he had clearly communicated his plans and asked if you were ok doing it. Why couldn’t he have got his ass out of bed an hour earlier to do his so important hobby.
This would make my blood boil.

I’m not sure he actually likes you, or respects you. Time to remind him you’re a SAHM, not an appliance. Yes, he works outside the house, but you work your sorry arse inside, 24/7, with no break. It shouldn’t be too much to ask to have some time for yourself before setting off, or a hand with it all. It’s meant to be family time, the weekend.

He also sounds like he’s got you well trained not to voice any displeasure, because if mine walked in caked in mud 10 minutes before we’re due to leave he’d be saying sorry, not be cruel to me in front of friends.

You can’t control other people’s behaviour, but you sure as hell can control yours. Set some boundaries, it’s time.

I would leave and go without him.

Also, you need to get back to work. You're very vulnerable.

Did he choose to have lunch at the friend's house? It sounds more trouble than it's worth for precious weekend time

Is this usual behaviour from him ie doing his own thing whilst you do everything else?

I assume OP just wanted a “men, what are they like, ?” moan.
And that hosts were inconvenienced. Man child indulged and family danced attendance to him. Tell him not us.
or she’s fast asleep

Additionally - the eight year old is old enough to bathe and dress and be completely ready half an hour before it's time to leave. They are also old enough to supervise their sibling getting dressed - so realistically they are on the road to independently being ready without much parental input.
You made a pudding and were capable of getting yourelf ready.
Your husband needed to be home in time to get himself ready, help with fueling and packing and to be there to help with unforeseen dramas.
You need more communication and agreement on a time to be home, and also to be fully informed if anyone is going on a bike ride or out for any reason. Your household needs to know who is there with the kids.