Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

it sounds like the visit to friends and the cake were not as important to him as they were to you.

I have noticed in general that there are things that women are more harshly judged on than men, or things we feel we have to do, or that we want to do, that they don’t care about. For example, the men I know seem generally less concerned about the house looking tidy if people come over, they’ll invite someone for dinner but not feel any expectation to cook beyond a pizza or something very simple, they’re happier for the kids to be scruffy. Obviously there’s a lot of generalising here, but I just wonder if this is a friendship you’re more invested in, or a type of meet up he wouldn’t have planned. You also listed getting yourself ready as one of your tasks while he was out. Most men I know need about 5 minutes to go from asleep to out the door, they don’t necessarily consider getting ready as something that needs time or effort, it’s not something he would think you need his support for. Sure, they should realise after years of living with a partner that it’s different for women, but I can sort of see how it might feel frustrating.

If you arranged it and you were the one offering to bake and you hadn’t asked him to give you time to do that, I can see a bit where he’s coming from. Were you creating extra work for yourself and then expecting him to mind read and know he needed to help with that? If he was thinking that it just needs us all to get shoes on and in the car then it’s fine to get home minutes before needing to leave again - as long as he’s not generally out all of the time, and you get a chance to go out as well.

If he knew when you needed to be there and you were out until ten mins before, would he have been annoyed?

I think the point @RosesAndHellebores is that he didn't accept he'd done anything wrong when he was challenged.

Which is wrong.

On the other hand, cutting things so fine that you're making a cake you can't finish (when surely you could have made it 3 hours sooner or the previous day) and bathing the kids near lunchtime, doesn't sound like great planning either.

Were they playing out in mud all morning or something? (I assume you're not in the UK by the timing of your posts. OP.)

It honestly wouldn't have bothered me much I don't think but there needed to be more clarity "James, you need to be back by 12.30 to help a bit and we need to leave at 1 sharp)." I usually tell my DH he has to be home/be places 30 minutes earlier than necessary and it all works out.

Quick text to your hosts to say you are running 10 minutes late.

I don't understand why yiur dh being a bit late back delayed finishing the cake. It says to me that you must have been running late as well.

Sorry @Loopyloopla but it sounds like a storm in a teacup to me.

Sounds like there is a communication issue going on between you.

If my H went for a bike ride, it would be clear he was going for a bike ride and we'd discuss what time he needed to be back.

I'd not expect him to swan off and come back last minute.

I find it hard to understand why that conversation didn't happen with you and him.

Playing devil's advocate a bit here....

Why did your kids need a bath before going out for lunch? Why not a bath the night before?

Why were you making a cake last minute and how would his being around make any difference to that?

Without knowing more about your marriage it's hard to know if this is a one-off.

If it's not, you need to talk to him more and not back down.

Why is he so dramatic and huffing about never being allowed on a bike ride?
He should've gone an hour earlier so he had an hour to spare to shower and be there to do stuff too.
It's really stressful when someone's not back and you think you're going to be late and still have all this stuff to do.
This is what he needs to understand.

Men are the centre of their own universe

Well after your update he sounds like a childish prick.

I think the key is advance communication - next time you say "x has invited us for lunch, is that ok with you?, I need you to bath the kids as i need to make a fancy dessert" As annoying as it is you can't expect him to know what you need him to do without telling him, and yes being a sahm means you are the default parent. It's bloody annoying but you need to be explicit in what you require help with. My exh apologised for how he treated me

Is he thick? Completely avoidably, he chooses to go out and come back late, leaving you to get the children ready, and somehow it's your fault that you are annoyed by that? Tell him to get his brain in gear.

He knew you were annoyed so he turned it back on you, made sure you didn't enjoy the lunch. This is childish, nasty behaviour Op, not only does he expect to do as he likes but you're not allowed to complain about it.
If this is a pattern of behaviour it needs addressing Op, look back and see if he does this when he doesn't get all his own way

My DH can be a bit rubbish with time and might be late back in similar circumstances, but I would have aired my displeasure there and then in a “where the hell have you been? I’m tearing my hair out here trying to do x, y and z” and he’d say sorry and that’d be it. YANBU to be annoyed but I wouldn’t have started the argument at the friends’ house.

I had one like this. I regret not having nipped it in the bud - it’s incredibly hard to change once it becomes embedded.
Sorry no advice -I am divorced now 😔

I think you both have issues. He shouldn't have gone on a bike ride, when he said he 'might' do this, what was your response? Most people would say that's not a great idea, remember we are going to our friends house at X and I need to finish the cake so you need to sort the kids out.

I do think you made work for yourself that morning though. Why not hair wash and even wash fully the night before? Or rather than bath, a quick shower if really necessary? Also why make the cake and not just buy pudding from the store? If they are good friends would they be worried about homemade or shop bought?

The drama at your friends house is simply embarrassing from both of you. I imagine it made a very awkward visit. It was not the place to air your annoyances with each other. Unless you are afraid to speak out at home and therefore wanted an audience to witness his behaviour.

Better communication from both of you is needed and discussing the balance of jobs at home.

Hang on, he’s hurt because you told him how you feel?? And then he sulks while at your friends house? I think his reaction is worse than him coming back late. None of us are perfect but he sounds far from being a mature adult. He wouldn’t have minded if you’d come back late the way he did? Hmm well I guessing you don’t go out for bike rides where you come back minutes before you have to leave. And if you did I’m pretty sure the kids wouldn’t be ready and there’d be no cake. Yes, he’s entitled to leisure time but you are also entitled to basic courtesy and respect. Some recognition that his actions impacted you in a way that matters to you needs to be acknowledged and the fact that he then behaves like a child needs to be addressed.

In our house we have a saying “you can do anything you please as long as you are taking the kids with you.” Ie if you aren’t taking the kids you have to ask the other party for permission. If you are taking the kids you can just announce it as a plan.

Poor communication on both your parts think. He should have told you about the bike ride and you should have told him about the lunch plans and all that you needed to do beforehand.
FFS TALK to one another!!!

I think this too.
We try to discuss things upfront, so not just 'leave at' times but 'be back by 11 to help get the kids ready' kind of thing.

Being a SAHM to two school aged children is quite a drip feed in this context. You could go for a bike ride at any point during the school day and get equal leisure time. He only has a relatively small window of opportunity for down time.

He was a dick not to have gone out 15 minutes earlier and arrived back in time not to make you late.

Just sounds like communication between you both needs to be better. If he was out where did you think he was? A one hour bike ride sounds like it could have been accommodated if you had both discussed it?

Sahm doesn’t mean you’re responsible for absolutely everything all the time op x (sorry hadn’t rtft)

I read the OP was upset at her husband huffing and sulking, she wasn't tearful because he went out, just a bit annoyed.

OP at work would he ever fuck off and do his own thing (cpd or something that can be done any time) just before a team deadline or conference, let his colleagues pick up the slack, and then go in a huff and say ' well the team still made the deadline didn't they so the end result was the same' when his colleagues pulled him up on it?

He’s a bully.

You cried at your friends’ house because he controls you by withholding his affection. You are so dependent on him and so scared of his moods that the stress made you cry.

Unfortunately this will never change by you asking him to or by telling him how you feel. It will only change by you standing up to him. If you do that, at first the bullying and gaslighting will increase. Then either he will learn to treat you better or you will have to make some difficult decisions - but with more confidence and independence than you have at the moment.

Kids in nursery, paid work, own bank account, own car, own friends, time to yourself. Tell him the plan and if he doesn’t show up on time, leave without him. Be brave and ignore his tantrums. It will be incredibly hard but believe me, in the end you’ll feel better.

I’m not sure he actually likes you, or respects you.

I’m 100% positive he doesn’t.

aww we’re his feelings hurt. Poor lamb.

He huffed and swore and caused an argument because he knew full well he’d been a knob getting home late. He has no intention of acknowledging your feelings - you’re not entitled to them op. Put up and shut up is what he’s telling you to do.

He sounds really nasty.

If I were you I’d be getting a job. See how much he enjoys doing 50% at home. And you will have independence when you finally decide you’ve had enough of his shit.

I wrote this on here once.
I also said i was clear on dates i wasnt interested in and wouldnt date golfers, gamers, on football season ticket holders in addition to cyclists. and if they had an notions of taking these up later in life they shpuld be clear if they did I'd very likely leave them.

I was told.i was a controlling shrew buly the same women who parrot the.line "you dont need a reason to break up with him"

Back to the OP. I thonk the only people who are voting YABU are actually voting "yabu for putting up with this".

What he did was an act of self orbiting selfishness (the kind women arent generally permitted to have) and YANBU.

That's fine, but sometimes people are late and while mildly annoying it's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

Also, we can assume that these are OP's friends, otherwise she would have definitely said "his friends". So yes, it's on her to get everything ready as he's probably giving his day up so she can spend time with her friends.