Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

I've a few questions (apart from the obvious one as to why your husband felt that he needed to go for a bike ride at that particular moment and not help with his kids) but the questions I have are these -

• why did the kids need to be bathed there and then? Could they not have managed without a bath until you got back from your friends house?
• If you were tasked with preparing the dessert, why did you leave it to the last minute to ice the cake or finish preparing it?
• You had to get yourself ready - why was that left to the last minute too? You're allowed to take time to get yourself ready so do that.

Those are my questions @Loopyloopla .

My first husband hated social events, especially those that involved mum friends and their husbands at a lunch/ bbq/ pub with soft play. It was his idea of absolute hell. I really needed to meet other people socially as I was also a SAHM (in the 90s). He would go out on his motorbike/ start doing something that involved rebuilding part of the car ( and getting filthy) because he just absolutely didn't want to go. It caused stress all round. I should have just breezily accepted invitations on my behalf and that of the children and explained that it just wasn't my husband's thing. It seems easier now with the greater understanding of mental health and introvert/ extroverts but , at the time I felt we absolutely had to go as a family. Daft really. The marriage collapsed anyway.

At least he's not lycra wearing, that would have been the end, as it is you can probably sort it out. I would go down the old fashioned route and write him a letter explaining your feelings.
In your situation it's pretty selfish to get home 10 minutes before you leave, without any call or nothing. He was pleasing himself, not held up at work or in traffic.

I understand this. I don't have a DP that goes out for bike rides but I've had plenty of the 'how dare you have negative emotions about any of my behaviour' conversations.

All the posters saying they would have mentioned something as soon as he walked in the door and their dh would have apologised - that would be the ideal but it wouldn't have happened. I agree with the poster who said he was a bully and wanted to punish you for having an opinion on his behaviour by withholding affection. He was never going to accept how he made you feel walking in the door at that moment.

All the posters saying they need to communicate better and there was plenty of time for a bike ride and to just speak up to tell him what you need so you can plan the morning together. Do you really think this entitled man would have listened?

Now you know what you have OP what are you going to do? I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of long 'talks'. Tell him how it made you feel (or not) and leave it. Don't waste time trying to convince or show or explain to him how he could do things differently. And don't start to doubt your own feelings.
Have a nice time and make your own plans. Seems this man has already checked out of family life so don't give yourself an extra job of trying to bring him back in to it.

You sound like you're already pretty incredible - sorting out 2 kids and a cake in the morning!

. I wouldn't want my time off work taken up by the need to ice a cake, take it plain and have cream/ice-cream.

she doesn't work- says she's a SAHM.

True, but the OP needs to be more clear about what she's doing and communicate with him.

I don't 'get' the first post where she wasn't sure if he was going for a bike ride or not.

(I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later')

Presumably he just disappeared out of the house?
Unknown to her and the kids.

I think this needs separating into 2 things- the first is lack of communication between them.

The second is the OP seems to be making a cake last minute at the same time as bathing the kids.

AND never ever raise marital strife in front of your hosts- it's a bit passive aggressive and also terribly rude, dragging them into it.

1. Supermarkets do puddings. You can just buy one
2. If you have to make one do it the day before.
3. Children can be bathed the night before . Your older child can organise themselves.
4. Put their clothes out the night before and decide in your head what you are wearing and iron it the day before.

1. Hopefully you drive and have your own car. Agree the leaving time with your husband. If he's late go in your car without him. " we'll head off so we're not all late. See you there". He can follow in his when he's ready.
2. Never ever bring marital mess into someone else's house when they have invited you for a nice lunch .

I think he was rude to arrive back so late irrespective of anything else.

If you wanted him to get the kids ready & told him to be back by X time to do it-would he have done?

Did everything really have to be done that morning just before going out?

I agree that you shouldn't have taken it to your friend's house. You should have said to him that you wanted to speak to him when you got back and left it until later. Better communication would have solved this. As well as another chat about expectations. I don't know why getting children ready to go out is such a big thing on MN, unless SN etc are at play. I wouldn't want my time off work taken up by the need to ice a cake, take it plain and have cream/ice-cream.

Agree. This would have been incredibly awkward for your friends.

Try to communicate better and leave friends out of your marriage issues.

"he asked if I had a problem)."

Has he looked in the mirror lately, OP?

@BuddhaAtSea "You can’t control other people’s behaviour, but you sure as hell can control yours. Set some boundaries, it’s time."

This ^

I used to get this. It's a rot that sets in, and the more you let it slide the more it slides!
He isn't acting like you're a family unit.. like he has no responsilility for your children and you as a couple.
He's acting like he's 19 and can do as he pleases as long as he doesn't break the "house rules" or "mum" will get angry.

The man is an adult. He has children. He needs to get that mindset and act accordingly.

Sounds like the only way to make him see is to do exactly the same to him next time. Offer that he will make a dessert for someone else's house and then swan off out for the morning - you could go for a swim, to the shops, or just for a nice walk/coffee out with a friend, but give him zero warning. Just shout "off out, not sure what time I'll be back" as you leave. Then come back 5 mins before you need to leave. You could always warn your friends in advance if you're worried about offending them. Then he can see what you've had to put up with!

I do agree with this though. The crying in front of your friends and taking yourself off “to wipe your eyes” smacks of playing for sympathy… it doesn’t sound a healthy dynamic AT ALL.

I do slightly agree with PPs questions about - why bath the kids right before you need to go? Likewise with the cake? Sounds like making your life more difficult for no good reason.

Wrong thread?

Ask for it to be deleted?

Wrong thread

When he said "he might be going out for a bike ride later" did you mention your plans and that it would be an issue? It would just seem the natural thing to do. Would you not have spoken about it earlier anyway?
You seem to have put a lot of pressure on yourself for a lunch with friends, bathing kids and making cakes just before you leave. The children are of an age that they can wash and change themselves. The cake could have been made the evening before and finished off that morning. A lunch at a friend's house is normally quite informal surely?
Why did you wait until you got to your friends house to tell him you were annoyed and then make sure your friends knew there was an issue by your public announcement? Surely when he arrived home you would let him know you were not happy and, depending on how angry you were, gone on without him or let your hosts know you were going to be late and waited.
This whole protracted drama is ridiculous.

I thought the first set of posts saying she should not even have asked were really weird. Why not? Then I read on and thought no, this is not ok. I don’t think you are helping her mental health by being doormats. She needs to be encouraged into treating the people she lives with decently, for her own self respect, although she doesn’t know it. No way can she have a party in your house when she treats you like hotel staff. Also I doubt these are good healthy friendships if she thinks it’s ok to treat you like that. Tell her she can have a dinner party for 10 which her parents also attend. She will hit the roof and I am immy half serious, but working toward that is working towards being a functional adult with respect for herself, for others, and mature respectful friendships.

@JaneLewis I can't see that he had much to apologise for and was probably pissed off because the op wasn't ready any way.

Yes yes yes

I would have been like ‘WTF dude’ as soon as he walked in the door. Have you asked him whether he feels you are the default parent? Why did he feel no responsibility for getting the kids ready for your plans? Why does he get time off for his hobbies and you have to parent 7 days a week? You need to carve out some time for yourself.

Next time- just don’t get the kids ready. When he walks in, say “sorry I was getting myself and the food ready, I thought you would realise that and deal with the kids. Oh well we will have to cancel”

I love this!

I would also recommend googling the ' Let them' idea. There's a podcast on you tube about it too. The post here is the epitome of the let them theory in action. It's not about bring submissive in any way.

Have I done anything wrong in all of this?

Yes, but to your friends, not your husband. This:
They could see there was a problem between us so I said to him in front of our friends 'hey husband, I'm feeling upset about this, can we make up?'
was really unfair on your friends. No one wants to be witness to their friends' marital issues.

I had one of these.
He didn’t change, I learnt to stop pulling him up on it because he’d do exactly what yours did and ruin the day.

Eventually I stopped organising things involving him and just do stuff on my own. Far more enjoyable than dragging his sulky arse around.