Page 3 | Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

Loopyloopla · 2025-02-18T01:08:29+00:00

Hi, I just need a little clarity here please! AIBU to be 'mildly annoyed' at my husband for arriving back to our house covered in mud after a bike ride (I didn't know he was on, although he had said he 'might be going on a bike ride later') 10 minutes before we have to be at our friends' house for lunch (5 mins away)? For context we have 2 kids, 4 & 8 who had to have bath and hairwash etc and I had to make a cake for pudding, and get myself ready etc... thank you!

HamptonPlace · 18/02/2025 10:25

Perplexed20 · 18/02/2025 06:18

I can see people saying you were over the top.

However, going for a bike ride just before going out is the kind of thing an 8 year old boy would do.

men are boys. nothing new about that.

HamptonPlace · 18/02/2025 10:23

cookingthebooks · 18/02/2025 06:03

Honestly you get what you stand for. I’m also a SAHM with a 3 & 4 year old. DH has a ‘big job’ and has tried intensely over the years to put me in the ‘you are the 24/7 parent, house keeper, cook and maid’ box, not to be intentionally cruel but just because it would make his like a lot better. I understand human nature is always to lean into the best deal for ourselves. I just don’t allow it.

If DH had done that I’d have been jumping in the car the moment he arrived back, leaving him with both kids to follow on behind me in his car. I’d have probably bathed but not dressed the kids he could do that and I’d buy a cake on my way. Enjoy a nice chat with our friends before he and the kids arrived. Because my DH is starting to learn that I won’t just mop up him not being responsible he’s taking much more responsibility. He is accountable because not being back fires on HIM not just on me!

As a SAHM I already work the same 70 ish hours a week he does so when he’s home we share the load end of!

So what about when both parents work?

gettingtothebottomofit · 18/02/2025 10:20

HamptonPlace · 18/02/2025 10:15

The husband in my life takes 5m to get ready. It's not like he has to do his hair etc? Why would you (collective) be leaving DC prep 'til just before you had to go?

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Mine takes half an hour from getting in the bathroom to shower to getting out of the door, which he would have had to have done after a bike ride. I think OP did well to only be 10 mins late.

HamptonPlace · 18/02/2025 10:19

Loopyloopla · 18/02/2025 04:55

Thank you for your replies. The reason for the post is that I have already told my husband (when he asked me if I had a problem whilst getting out of car on friends driveway) that him arriving back with minutes/no time to spare was annoying and I tried to explain to him that I found it rude and discourteous, but he argues that because it didn't make much difference to the overall outcome ie we were only 10 minutes late (although I don't like being late) I should put it into perspective and not have been upset/annoyed/hurt by it, and not have mentioned it (even though as I already said I only told him because he asked if I had a problem). Although I did also had to finish the cake at the hosts house as I didn't have time to ice/decorate it which was an inconvenience. Later he said he felt disappointed in me and upset by me telling him I was annoyed by him arriving back in little time to spare and if I had gone on a bike ride or similar and got back late he wouldn't have cared or taken offence (which he probably wouldn't). Luckily he's not a Lycra wearing man, he mountain bikes. He's also confused by my explanation and is highlighting he thinks I was annoyed because I had to look after our kids for an hour and he seems to struggle with the notion as mentioned above even though I've tried to explain to him that I was annoyed because I'm the assumed default parent and was left in the lurch so to speak with a few tasks to do and no help, not because I had to look after our kids (although that's obviously part of the bigger picture of things that need to be done before we can go). Also to add I have absolutely no worries looking after our kids, they're great and I'm the primary parent so do the bulk of childcare anyway as he works full time and I'm SAHM. I wouldn't have raised the issue with him (other than probably being slightly miffed!) but as we arrived at our friends house he asked me if anything was wrong so I (calmly!) told him. He then got cross and huffed on their driveway (and sweared in front of our kids) about never being allowed to go on a bike ride. This then upset me so I was tearful at our friends house. They could see there was a problem between us so I said to him in front of our friends 'hey husband, I'm feeling upset about this, can we make up?' Which he shrugged off, he then made a point not to look at me whilst cheersing all our glasses and that sort of thing which I also found upsetting. I went to the loo to wipe my eyes and tried to catch his attention to say could he come out and speak with me to sort it out and he said no but did come the second time I asked. When I asked him about his behaviour at our friends after the event he said he felt hurt by me telling him I was annoyed at him coming home 10 mins before we had to go which is why he acted as he did .

Even after a lot of 'talking' (not very healthily to each other) he is still unable to see why I was annoyed/upset and he thinks the first 'hurt' was done by me telling him that I was annoyed with him about coming back late. He fails to see I was already hurt by him coming back late.

The argument has continued on, not just because of the original 'mildly annoying' him coming home with minutes to spare but because of the way he treated me after that at our friends house. He has apologised for the sweary bit (not particularly genuinely but hey-ho). Have I done anything wrong in all of this? Should I be apologising to him too? He thinks I should be. Sorry it's so long, just trying to get all the context out and be as impartial as I can be! Thank you. X

massive overreaction. Unless there is other bad stuff not here revealed, you sound ridiculously privileged. Sorry to be so frank.

HamptonPlace · 18/02/2025 10:15

RogueFemale · 18/02/2025 02:15

@Loopyloopla So what did you do when he arrived home muddy, 5 mins before you had to leave? Did you go to the lunch and arrive on time, or what?

The husband in my life takes 5m to get ready. It's not like he has to do his hair etc? Why would you (collective) be leaving DC prep 'til just before you had to go?

HamptonPlace · 18/02/2025 10:13

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/02/2025 01:56

I agree with this.

He has shown you that you and the kids dont matter, so show him that you are taking him at his word.

Leave without him. Do nothing for him. Let him see the consequences of his actions.

He will kick off about it and at that point you say "Well you didnt care enough to get back in time and care for your kids, so why the hell do you think we should wait for you?!"

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Classic MN overreaction...

misskatamari · 18/02/2025 10:10

Ugh any many who is upset because his wife expressed her feelings of upset over something is a big giant man baby. “I’m upset you’re pissed off about about a shitty thing I’ve done. My life would be so much easier if you just shut up about it!” Ugh! There need to be some serious discussions about how he views roles in this partnership, and I would seriously, seriously be looking at gaining more financial independence from this man

HamptonPlace · 18/02/2025 10:10

babyproblems · 18/02/2025 01:52

I don’t know but I would never even date a man who likes bike riding - the Lycra wearing type - I bet he does F all to help with the burdens of family life and you get no time to do your hobby. We live in a beautiful area where lots of men cycle in full gear (not city environment) and When I had kids I realised you never see a woman riding her bike alone. Always men. If you ever see a woman on a bike, 8 times out of ten, she has kids in tow. Never in Lycra, just enjoying her favourite hobby and feeling the winds of freedom in her face!! I suspect your post is the tip of the iceberg..

How is any of this relevant! a lot of projection...

Ohnobackagain · 18/02/2025 10:10

@Loopyloopla the only thing you would need to apologise for, if it happened, is if you were snappy, mean or insulting rather than quietly stating the truth. The truth is:

if he had gone out earlier and come back earlier he could have done his share of parenting and you could have finished the cake
then you would have been on time
it is not him going on a bike ride that is the problem, it is the timing - he absented himself from the responsibility

Honestly, he is manipulative/gaslighting. I’d be done with him. This is in him.

You have not helped by trying to get a response out of him at your friend’s. He was then able to give you a bit of silent treatment knowing how this would make you feel.

Cupcakes2035 · 18/02/2025 10:09

@Loopyloopla the basic response to him would be why ask me a question if you dont want a proper answer

CautiousOptimist · 18/02/2025 10:07

Did you not have a conversation about the bike ride before he buggered off?
My DH rides, most weekends. I also have a bit of time to myself most weekends to go to the gym or out for a coffee.
We always briefly check plans, usually the night before.
Your DH should have checked first, then you could have said 'sure, go for a ride but you'll have to get up early if you want to do that, I'll need you back by 10 please to help get the kids ready while I finish the cake...'
Just talk to him. Crying in the loo was an overreaction, sorry. If you're not happy, talk about it, and do something about it, together.

MikeRafone · 18/02/2025 10:05

babyproblems · 18/02/2025 01:52

I don’t know but I would never even date a man who likes bike riding - the Lycra wearing type - I bet he does F all to help with the burdens of family life and you get no time to do your hobby. We live in a beautiful area where lots of men cycle in full gear (not city environment) and When I had kids I realised you never see a woman riding her bike alone. Always men. If you ever see a woman on a bike, 8 times out of ten, she has kids in tow. Never in Lycra, just enjoying her favourite hobby and feeling the winds of freedom in her face!! I suspect your post is the tip of the iceberg..

Ever though about doing a confirmation bias course?

2JFDIYOLO · 18/02/2025 10:04

He's a thoughtless dick.

I think you may have overreacted - unless he does it or similar thoughtless and clunky things time and time again and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Write him a calm reasonable letter setting out exactly why you were upset.

The SMERF technique!

Situation - That time / incident ...
Mirror - When you (behaviour) ...
Effect - I felt ...
Result - the result was ...
Future - so in future, I need, please ...

It's a technique I learned when teaching communication and feedback skills.

Next time leave at the right time with the kids and say see you there.

Hazylazydays · 18/02/2025 10:00

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 18/02/2025 09:50

An eight-year-old shouldn't have to supervise their sibling getting dressed because their father can't be arsed.

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He went out for a bike ride it’s not a crime, how long does it take to get a four year old dressed, five minutes max, surely the OP is capable of doing that, no need to make such a drama out of an everyday activity the takes minutes. And most kids are up and dressed within a short time of getting up not at almost lunchtime.

gettingtothebottomofit · 18/02/2025 09:58

My OH is chronically late and I like to be on time, so I usually tell him he has to be home 30 mins before he actually does.

If that still doesn't work in your situation I would text friends at the point you know it won't all come together in time and apologise and say you're running a bit late. That way you also have time to finish the cake and herd everyone out with less stress.

I wouldn't get worked up when it's just lunch with friends, if it's a GP appointment or something that's different because he would have missed the whole thing.

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 09:58

OP, I would get a job and set some boundaries. Your husband needs to value you and your time more. I mean, my DH likes to long distance walk. I go walking with him during the week 3-4 miles, but on the weekends he likes a 7-10 mile walk. But we agree on this. He does the grocery shopping on Friday as their stopping time is 3 pm, we have Friday night together, and then on Saturday he has his walk, and I have a lie-in and gentle start. It is a give and take.

Showing up muddy 10 minutes before you have to leave as a family for lunch is inconsiderate.

converseandjeans · 18/02/2025 09:56

@Loopyloopla

Have I done anything wrong in all of this? Should I be apologising to him too?

No he was in the wrong. But he's deflecting to make out you are the one who's started an argument. He just doesn't want to be challenged.

I would also go back to work in this situation. He seems to just assume you will do the donkey work while he goes off on his bike.

I reckon more men take up cycling once they have children. It’s a good way of getting out of helping with the daily grind. In fact lots of men's hobbies seem to facilitate this so you could substitute cycling for - football, rugby, golf, fishing....

Patterncarmen · 18/02/2025 09:55

Annoyeddd · 18/02/2025 09:42

Can you send me some samples please.

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This is great and raised a smile. I reported the post for advertising.

LionME · 18/02/2025 09:55

He Knew he was wrong (or is a hugely entitled prick) and use attack as a form of defence.
His PA behaviour was just a reflection of his behaviour on the drive where he was swearing.

Attack to defend yourself is great fur him - it detracts from the initial issue and gives a boost to his self esteem.

I have to say, with someone reacting like this, I’ve learnt that it’s not worth it to discuss and explain. They won’t get it.
Much better to not say anything but hand out natural consequences.
Like not waiting for him to be ready and leaving wo him. Not automatically arranging your life around him. And basically dropping him in it.

Tbh I’d also look on your side at how good you are At holding boundaries and whether you tend to be a people pleaser. Not victim blaming at all here. But I suspect it will help you if you can see clearly what is or isn’t acceptable to you and to be able to communicate that easily.

LlamaDharma · 18/02/2025 09:54

In the greater scheme of things it's just a ride on a bike. If you worked full time while he was a stay at home parent, how would it go down if he got arsey with you for wanting to unwind on your bike and getting back a matter of minutes later than he thought you should? I think we know the answer. Nobody on here would be calling you selfish. Instead he would be slated for begrudging you a bit of down time on your bike when you work full time and they'd all be calling him controlling and telling you to leave him.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 18/02/2025 09:50

user1492757084 · 18/02/2025 02:35

Additionally - the eight year old is old enough to bathe and dress and be completely ready half an hour before it's time to leave. They are also old enough to supervise their sibling getting dressed - so realistically they are on the road to independently being ready without much parental input.
You made a pudding and were capable of getting yourelf ready.
Your husband needed to be home in time to get himself ready, help with fueling and packing and to be there to help with unforeseen dramas.
You need more communication and agreement on a time to be home, and also to be fully informed if anyone is going on a bike ride or out for any reason. Your household needs to know who is there with the kids.

An eight-year-old shouldn't have to supervise their sibling getting dressed because their father can't be arsed.

MissTrip82 · 18/02/2025 09:43

That was really selfish of him. You being a SAHM is irrelevant. I assume his behaviour was because he knew he was in the wrong.

Can’t stand the nonsense from
another poster about her husbands ‘big job’ though, I can’t bear the contempt women like that show for the job that literally feeds and clothes an entire family. It had better be a ‘big job’ your family is depending on it!

Annoyeddd · 18/02/2025 09:42

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Can you send me some samples please.

rc22 · 18/02/2025 09:42

Are these friends you know through you or friends you know through him? The way your husband has behaved is the way my DH does if we've made arrangements with my friends. If it's people we know through him, he's more proactive and I now insist that he makes any arrangements for it ie. sorting anything we need to take.

Hazylazydays · 18/02/2025 09:42

Loopyloopla · 18/02/2025 09:25

@Hazylazydays just to clarify, I wasn't upset about him being late at the table, as explained that was a minor irritation I wouldn't have mentioned had he not asked. I was upset at the way he spoke to me afterwards and the passive aggression at their house.

Well I guess he was reacting your reaction, I agree he shouldn’t have been late but a quick phonecall to your friends to say we’re running ten mins late, he gets ready, you all pile into the car happy, and all this aggravation could have been avoided.