Husband arrives home as it's almost time to leave

The OP's husband is also capable of doing it.

he said he felt disappointed in me and upset by me telling him I was annoyed by him arriving back in little time to spare and if I had gone on a bike ride or similar and got back late he wouldn't have cared

WTF?! He's flipped that round on you quite neatly hasn't he? He's not apologetic for being late, he thinks you shouldn't criticise him and he will do as he wants because if the tables were turned he wouldn't be getting the kids ready or baking cakes. Some of this may be down to poor communication and gender stereotypes but he does sound a bit arrogant. If anything mountain biking is worse than the lycra clad road cyclists because you have to clean up a lot after, yourself and the bike can get covered in mud.

Sounds like he didn't want to go to lunch so decided to be a cock about it. Neither of you could put shit to one side for the afternoon. You were both rude to your hosts.

He started it though. I'd be apologising to your friends but he would be getting told to fuck off and if anything like that happens again ,you'll know he has no respect for you.

More importantly, if lunch wasn’t important, he didn’t have to go!

After all, if he looses on social contact and creating a network around him, building his relationship with his children and partner, that’s his choice.
He just can’t complain about it afterwards.

When you put it like this - 🤢
Better off without.

My kids dad was like this. In his case, it was control. He knew (he had the only car) that I couldn't go anywhere until he came home. I would make sure to tell him that we had to go out at X time and he'd swan home up to an hour after that time saying 'oh, I had to work, we had a rush on...' which I would have believed, if it hadn't happened EVERY TIME it was something I needed to do. If it was something HE needed to do, you bet he'd be back on time.

And it was all control. Usually it was things where I needed to leave the kids with him so I could go out alone (evening class, meeting friends, etc) so I couldn't just leave. He's an XH now because the control became far more extreme as time went on.

He's done a right job on you. Swans about doing his own thing and then gets angry when you challenge him. He's training you to never question his behaviour. You ended up in tears and are now wondering if you should apologise to him! He knows he was in the wrong, he only asked you what's up because he wanted you to say everything was fine thus allowing him to pull this crap again. Now is the time to spell out your expectations very clearly.

This is silly: biking is a solitary activity done for his sole benefit while baking the cake and bringing the children to lunch is a social and group activity that builds community for the whole family. Community and friends that are important long and short term for the whole family.

The lack of communication is the main issue here. Cycling is fine

This isn’t going to work on this sulky bastard. He went straight to DARVO when he asked her if she was upset. He treats her like the nanny and social secretary because that is the way he likes it. He won’t willingly change for her.

I just see a man with different priorities who has been at work all week and wanted to go for a bike ride. I very much doubt he would organise a lunch out and cake baking if left to him. I dont see baking a cake as a less selfish activity than cycling

I think OP is clearly the default parent, and also that a lot of men don't care about things like getting the children bathed and freshly dressed before they go out. I think the cake should have been dealt with before so that it wasn't an issue, maybe telling DH to deal with it the day before.
I don't think OP was unreasonable to be upset, but I suspect that this was the last straw in a series of DH leaving everything to her.
I think OP is underplaying what she does - her first post refers to herself as a SAHM, but then she later refers to a bit of AirBnB, like that is not work or income producing. She says that DH would not object if she took time out for herself, but rarely does.
I think she should start carving out more time for herself, in a conscious way that leaves DH responsible for getting the kids and him ready to go out. I bet he doesn't even think about that might entail. If he hasn't looked after the DC for a few days at a time by himself, he will have no idea on the knock-on effects of not being properly organised, as at the moment OP is picking up the work on this.
OP needs to be more vocal about what she does, and how DH can share the burden.
And, dare I say it, prioritise. I'm wondering why the cake needed to be done at the last minute, and why the children needed to be bathed at that point. I'd have thought an 8 year old could get themselves dressed, and a lot of 4 year olds could too. I think I'd have bought a cake on the way in those circumstances !

Another selfish man-child, to put it very politely.
Life would just be so much simpler and joyful without these.

The thing with this is, he will probably just shower and change and swan along a little late, mumbling some half arsed apology to all and will get away with it again....

So what? How foes this make his behavior any better?

Do you have two cars? If this happened to me, I'd walk out by myself and say to him 'see you and the kids there later!'

You are totally not being unreasonable.

Yes, that sounds reasonable. If this is something she organised (highly likely) and he is just a participant (the typical dynamic for "mutual friends"), then I don't see what is wrong with leaving her to do the prep. No reason they couldn't have bought a cake, but I assume she wanted to make one.

The bottom line is he's giving up his time by being there - I don't see what is wrong with him taking a bit of time for himself beforehand (yes he should have apologised for being late).

If he had just said something like 'I'm sorry, I was out longer than I expected. I didn't mean to upset you, I just got carried away and didn't realise the time. It won't happen again'. Sorted, the end and everyone would have had a nice day. But he's not mature enough so you have a manchild/a third child 🙄

10m late is on time! no one expects (at least no one i know, in a social not professional context) that you arrive on the dot...

I think men can sometimes be not very empathetic. Ask him if next time you make an arrangement like this you can disappear without explanation and arrive with 5 minutes to spare, him having got the kids/car/cake ready.

Always men. If you ever see a woman on a bike, 8 times out of ten, she has kids in tow. Never in Lycra, just enjoying her favourite hobby and feeling the winds of freedom in her face!! I suspect your post is the tip of the iceberg..

I think this is nonsense and not really the point anyway.

My H belongs to a cycling club and it's a mixed group of men and women.

I live rurally and often see lots of women cycling without children in tow.

There's a difference between 'serious' cyclists and those who potter along with their kids at the weekend - and I see families with BOTH parents riding with kids.

100% this. ^ Sadly @Loopyloopla it may be too late to make him change. Has he always been a lycra clad cyclist? As a pp said, I would never get into a relationship with one of these men. Ditto a man who is obsessed with golf and football. (Or any sport to be honest.) Thankfully my DH is into the same things as me - film, music, theatre, walks, countryside, travel, nature etc... CBA with any sport. Although we do both like going swimming - and walking.

I know NAMALT and all that, but the fact is that the vast VAST majority of men do fuck all around the house, (and don't do much with the children) and don't do ANY of the grunt work/life admin/housework etc, and they prioritise their hobbies and interests (and job) over and above family life.

Many of them want the little set up; wifey and children/a woman to do everything for him, and all the domestic shit etc etc,. but they don't want to put any work into anything. They think all the contribution they need to make to their 'family life' is working/bringing in money, and they see virtually everything else as womens work.

This has always been the way of course, but it's much worse these days as women are expected to go out to work too, (and often have to do so, so that the family can make ends meet, as a man's wage is no longer enough... So women end up having to go to work, and face all the stresses and strains of that, with all the targets and goals and appraisals and training and everyday bullshit from bosses and colleagues...

THEN they have to do every fucking thing in the house, and with the children/for the children, and all the grunt work, life admin, general day to day drudgery. Whilst the men swan off doing their 'hobbies,' coming in from work late, and end up often being 'tired' and popping off to bed for a 'rest,' before fucking off out to play a golf/football, or for a bike ride, whilst SHE does the cooking/does the housework and washing and ironing/takes care of the children!

Boils my absolute fucking piss. And sadly, because of how boys are raised, this will NEVER change. No surprise really that more and more women are choosing to NOT have children.

.

For next time: don't stress too much about the state of the DCs. Clean and in clean clothes is enough.
Buy any contributions for events until DC's are older.
Leave on time, without DH if necessary

Drive your point home by absenting yourself next time.

I think it's quite a minor annoyance that perhaps you created by not making it clear what time you needed him back to help? Or specified what he was needed for? Unless you were actually late, in which case he should have got back earlier.
Perhaps your expectations were different? I would not have bothered doing baths and hair washes before a lunch date, or wearing different clothes, for example. An eight year old can get ready on their own and even a four year old can be independent with guidance. Perhaps he didn't think it was that much of a big deal? The issue is, did you communicate what needed to happen properly?
I have a son is his twenties (no children) who takes minutes to get ready to go places, and would probably think nothing was wrong and not much needed doing.
It's a miscommunication problem, unless he usually doesn't bother to help with anything.

@Loopyloopla i haven’t rtfpbug how anyone can think you are wrong is beyond me .
He couldn’t/should have went a bike ride the next day.
You don’t have time to get properly sorted for the friend visit as he wasn’t here to help .
He also made you all late .
He left you to do it all yourself .

How is any of this on you ????

Yes wasn’t ideal on the friend drive ( he caused this ) but he started this nonsense with being a selfish arse and is gaslighting you.
Spolit and manipulative I’d say!