Ask DH to not go on holiday with female friend.

Freelll · 2025-02-17T21:44:37+00:00

My DH & DS have gone on holiday with DS’s friend and his mother several times in the past. They all share an interest in basketball and travel to the US to watch NBA games. This year, despite booking tickets, the children have decided they want to travel with the friend’s father instead - the friends parents are divorced. However, my DH & this woman, are still planning to travel to the US together, as the tickets have already been paid for. I don’t want him to go on holiday with just her; I have never been 100% comfortable with these trips but decided to keep my mouth shut because I’ve gone on holiday with male friends in the past, which my husband was unhappy about. I regret being so blood minded at the time. Is it reasonable to ask him not to go?

Nonrienderien · 22/02/2025 14:07

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 22/02/2025 13:40

This is nonsense, my husband has several female friends, I know full well there is zero attraction there (for many reasons, they're not his type, they were friends with zero benefits when they were all single, one is a lesbian anyway and also I TRUST HIM AND HE LOVES ME). I don't mind him having weekends away without me with them or anyone else, we agree we don't do longer than a long weekend with our friends just because of annual leave usage, missing each other and having the kids on our own is harder work, so as a couple our boundaries mean we do 3 nights max on friendship holidays. I go with friends for spa weekends or city breaks, my friends are female because that's who I'm friends with, but if they were male it wouldn't make me a gallivanting wh**e!! Fgs, it is possible to have friends and not bang them, some of us don't want to sleep with everyone whose genitals fit....

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Nothing to do with sex

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 22/02/2025 13:40

Nonrienderien · 22/02/2025 00:04

Let's face it. Married men & women who go gallivanting alone on nights out or holidays with the opposite sex have an emotional if not physical open marriage. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that if it's what works for everyone involved in the relationship.

This is nonsense, my husband has several female friends, I know full well there is zero attraction there (for many reasons, they're not his type, they were friends with zero benefits when they were all single, one is a lesbian anyway and also I TRUST HIM AND HE LOVES ME). I don't mind him having weekends away without me with them or anyone else, we agree we don't do longer than a long weekend with our friends just because of annual leave usage, missing each other and having the kids on our own is harder work, so as a couple our boundaries mean we do 3 nights max on friendship holidays. I go with friends for spa weekends or city breaks, my friends are female because that's who I'm friends with, but if they were male it wouldn't make me a gallivanting wh**e!! Fgs, it is possible to have friends and not bang them, some of us don't want to sleep with everyone whose genitals fit....

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 22/02/2025 13:35

I would say that it's reasonable to say no except for;
You've gone on holidays with men when he wasn't happy
The tickets are paid for

I'd suggest going as well, maybe with a friend and make a group of it or just saying that next time you would rather he didn't book. It's a bit late now it's all paid for, and also a very awkward conversation that basically goes "my wife thinks I might shag you" and honestly it just makes you a hypocrite if you've done the same to him. You need to agree boundaries after this trip that make you both comfortable.

Kitchensinktoday · 22/02/2025 08:24

Yes this really needs nipping in the bud. Hope you are ok, OP

MsDogLady · 22/02/2025 06:06

SunnySideUK77 · 21/02/2025 16:37

Have you checked whose idea it was for the kids to decide to go with one of their dads instead? There’s no chance it’s been engineered?

I too wondered about that, @SunnySideUK77.

@Freelll, several of us have asked questions about the whole scenario, but you haven’t returned to elaborate. I hope that you’ve spoken to your H by now. Your peace of mind is priceless, and I fear that you will bitterly regret not addressing your discomfort with him and urging him to nix this trip. Like I said earlier, this would be a major breach in my marriage.

Devianinc · 22/02/2025 00:26

The bottom line is that you tell your POS husband that if he goes on vacation with this woman he can then go live in her house. He’s obviously choosing her over you. Hear his words. You don’t count. Get rid of him. He wants his cake , etc.

SouthLondonMum22 · 22/02/2025 00:20

Nonrienderien · 22/02/2025 00:04

Let's face it. Married men & women who go gallivanting alone on nights out or holidays with the opposite sex have an emotional if not physical open marriage. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that if it's what works for everyone involved in the relationship.

It's very odd that you are telling people what kind of marriage they have.

My marriage isn't open just because I go on holidays with my male friend because he is just a friend. Holidays with him are no different to when I go 'gallivanting' with any other friend who is female.

Nonrienderien · 22/02/2025 00:04

Let's face it. Married men & women who go gallivanting alone on nights out or holidays with the opposite sex have an emotional if not physical open marriage. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that if it's what works for everyone involved in the relationship.

SunnySideUK77 · 21/02/2025 16:37

Have you checked whose idea it was for the kids to decide to go with one of their dads instead? There’s no chance it’s been engineered?

SunnySideUK77 · 21/02/2025 16:33

Greenfencebrowntree · 17/02/2025 22:46

I would guess it's because if anyone has an ulterior motive in such a holiday, it will usually be the man.
Her husband "only" had to worry whether she would accept the potential advances of another man - she now has to worry whether he's going to be the one making advances.

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What? Only men make advances?

lilkitten · 21/02/2025 14:41

I think it's only a problem if you have some concerns around trust with him, so if that's the case there probably needs to be a conversation about how you are feeling and why

AndThereSheGoes · 20/02/2025 20:11

I think that still depends on the context of the friendship though.

How long you've known them, what sort of relationships the other person is in and more importantly why you doing the holiday.

ArtTheClown · 20/02/2025 18:48

The biggest red flag for me is people aren't setting boundaries, they're setting rules.

I mentioned this earlier, but I think it's just a question of compatability. So, neither DH or I would go on holiday with an opposite-sex friend, but it's literally not something we've ever discussed. It's just that way organically as we're on the same page in terms of what's okay and what's an overstep.

I don't think DH and I have ever told each other "no you can't do that", about anything.

icclemunchy · 20/02/2025 18:45

ArtTheClown · 20/02/2025 16:20

Just two!

Ah, okay. So your personal relationships do already fall outwith the norm, and outwith where most people's comfort levels would lie.

This isn't a critisism btw, if you and your partners are happy then that's fine. But it's also okay for other people to prefer different relationship boundaries, even if they wouldn't be for you personally.

True, I wouldn't have had a problem with this when I was monogamous either though.

The biggest red flag for me is people aren't setting boundaries, they're setting rules.

spirit20 · 20/02/2025 18:37

If he was planning to book a holiday with a female friend, I'd understand you not being happy, but this isn't the case. Why don't you book to go along with them if you're not happy about it?

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/02/2025 18:32

Nonrienderien · 20/02/2025 17:17

I agree with this. The idea of my DH going on holiday or to bars theatre,restaurants etc for a night out alone with another woman is beyond weird as I'm sure it is for the vast majority of hetro couples.Each to their own if it works for them although I still see it like an open marriage without the sex.

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It’s nothing like an open marriage.

Going on holiday with my male friend is exactly the same as going on holiday with a female friend.

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/02/2025 18:27

Nonrienderien · 20/02/2025 11:24

Thankfully respect & common sense prevails. Let those married men & women who deem having a close personal relationship with a single or married member of the opposite sex, which basically excludes the spouse,crack on. The rest of us set boundaries within marriage which are neither paranoid nor filled with lack of trust. It's about respecting each others space while not crossing the line by becoming too emotionally invested & involved within the boundaries of someone else's marriage.

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It’s my friendship, not DH’s. Why would it need to include him? He has his own friends.

Nonrienderien · 20/02/2025 17:21

icclemunchy · 20/02/2025 15:35

The number of unhealthy relationships on MN are wild. How do any of you cope when you/your partner is at work? After all some maruding recently single woman may jump your husband. Or your husband may be so overcome he can't help but hump the checkout woman at tesco.

Its a trip to see a sport they both enjoy, one they've made before, and one which wasn't initially planned to be just then.

The only way I'd have a problem with this was if he'd booked a trip with her at the expense of us having any time/ a holiday together.

But I trust my partners, and am also aware that as a grown adults they are free to make his own choices. Keeping them home won't stop them cheating if they want too!

Nothing to do with sex.

Nonrienderien · 20/02/2025 17:17

ArtTheClown · 20/02/2025 16:20

Just two!

Ah, okay. So your personal relationships do already fall outwith the norm, and outwith where most people's comfort levels would lie.

This isn't a critisism btw, if you and your partners are happy then that's fine. But it's also okay for other people to prefer different relationship boundaries, even if they wouldn't be for you personally.

I agree with this. The idea of my DH going on holiday or to bars theatre,restaurants etc for a night out alone with another woman is beyond weird as I'm sure it is for the vast majority of hetro couples.Each to their own if it works for them although I still see it like an open marriage without the sex.

ArtTheClown · 20/02/2025 16:20

Just two!

Ah, okay. So your personal relationships do already fall outwith the norm, and outwith where most people's comfort levels would lie.

This isn't a critisism btw, if you and your partners are happy then that's fine. But it's also okay for other people to prefer different relationship boundaries, even if they wouldn't be for you personally.

icclemunchy · 20/02/2025 16:16

ArtTheClown · 20/02/2025 15:45

But I trust my partners, and am also aware that as a grown adults they are free to make his own choices. Keeping them home won't stop them cheating if they want too!

Out of interest, do you have several?

Just two!

Kitchensinktoday · 20/02/2025 16:00

Nonrienderien · 19/02/2025 20:06

Do women who think it's normal & acceptable for a single woman to be a close friend of a married man,meeting for drinks etc & according to this thread even holiday together, honestly think their friends wife is happy about it. If she is happy & accepting of the situation it's because the couple have an unusual take on boundaries within marriage & she feels free to do the same.

As far as children are concerned. When I was growing up if I heard my father saying to my mother I'm meeting Lisa after work for a few drinks, or worse arranging a holiday weekend with her, I'd have thought he'd lost the plot.

Totally agree - if my Dad was taking Lisa for a drink, or Mum going on holiday with Brian, it would have been the weirdest thing ever. Not that this would ever have happened!!!

pollymere · 20/02/2025 15:52

Your title suggests they're sharing a week in a villa in Greece. Your actual post suggests they are just sharing a flight.

It's difficult to know what's unreasonable without further details. I have a really good male friend who I went into London with yesterday and we had lunch and came home again together. I introduced him to my DH after we'd become good friends and now they're really good friends too. There is absolutely no chance I'd be unfaithful to my DH with my friend. Eww.

It's about trust though. Do you worry your DH is going to be unfaithful?

ArtTheClown · 20/02/2025 15:45

But I trust my partners, and am also aware that as a grown adults they are free to make his own choices. Keeping them home won't stop them cheating if they want too!

Out of interest, do you have several?

Esgd27 · 20/02/2025 15:41

The original trips - two kids who are friends are fans of basketball and want to go to the US to watch games with a parent each - seems reasonable enough. Your DH and the mother are there to take the kids, look after them and enjoy a holiday with a member of their family.
As soon as you take away the children it becomes odd. Basically your DH is spending a holiday with another woman. I’d offer to go along too and do something else while they are watching the basketball games. There must be stuff other than basketball to see. Perhaps you could use your son’s ticket. Or ask your DH to cancel or rearrange his ticket so you can travel somewhere together as a family or a couple.