To ask MIL's how to include you as a grandmother?

I just spent a lovely evening yesterday with my daughter in law and my new granddaughter. My son was out for the first time since the baby was born, she is now 3 months old
Both my son and daughter in law have included us in everything, and my husband and I are both so grateful for that.
I know my daughter in law is very close to her own mum, but she has been brilliant at keeping us in the loop. We are seeing them 1-2 times a week, because they ask us over, and we get daily photos from my son as well, so it is just lovely.
She is our first granddaughter and we are completely over the moon 😁

My mother was 600 miles away and we did not have a close relationship. MIL had their summer home an hour drive away. She was a GODSEND. I didn't have any idea how to care for a newborn. After nursing him (EBF) she would say "I can watch the baby. Go take a nap/shower". She cooked. She cleaned. She taught me so much. She stayed with us for a week and I hated to see her go. That baby is 35 now, MIL is gone, but she was so helpful, loving, kind and a real friend to me.

If you feel so positively about you MIL I think things will just flow naturally. My MIL is the best and because I get on with her so well she’s just naturally included in things and is a hugely important part of my DCs’ lives.

Im a DIL, but my MIL knitted a few things for DC1, and when I shared that the nurses had complimented the blanket I could tell she was really pleased. We then took that blanket to the hospital for DC2 (more compliments from midwives - it’s a really cute blanket) and then passed it on to the next one of MILs children to have a baby.
I think if you’re both approaching your relationship in a positive thoughtful way it will naturally go well, and facilitate a good relationship for your child with their grandma as they grow up.

Oh Bless you
See how you feel when your baby arrives

I'd recommend asking her to join you when you go shopping for baby bits, asking for her opinion on what you might need.
Send scan pics and keep her updated how your pregnancy is going.
Send her a picture as soon as you can when baby is born and invite her over as soon as you feel ready.

How absolutely lovely 🥰🥰

Ask her ?

take her into confidence with fears , planned surprises, confessions

take her shopping ask her opinion on the big ticket items such as pram cut nursery decor

let her pick a middle name , my mil picked our first name

1. Scan photo
2. WhatsApp photos/updates when born
3. Drop-in/visit once a week/fortnight/month depending on location/jobs etc
4. Allowing her to hold baby/take for walk pending feeding
5. Alternate Xmas/boxing days with your own, pending own needs
6. Ask her what she'd like to be called/go by
7. Mug/necklace/cards with above moniker
8. The odd family meet-up/trip pending energy
9. Building up to her looking after the baby/toddler if both parties want it

Above based on own experiences with a MIL that really wanted to be involved

Whilst the husband/partner in this situation could take the responsibility for the relationship with the baby's maternal grandmother, if the mum is on maternity leave, I think the first year is a bit different. I took many more photos of DD simply because I was home with her when DH was in the office. I also did many more things with her - the first time swimming, the first baby group, the first music group. I made sure that I sent MIL plenty of photos and messages and also invited her to stay mid-week even though it meant I would essentially be hosting her with DH at work. I've always made sure that I've talked about her with the children, commented on things she would or wouldn't like and making sure that she is part of their day to day lives even though she lives a few hours away.

I’m a MIL and my DGS is 13mths old.

My DIL is an absolute angel who i love to bits. They both are, but only the one has a baby. When she was pregnant she’d send me updates about her pregnancy, including scan photos. DS2 did too. I crochet, she bought a book and asked if I’d crochet some specific outfits for the baby once it was born. They didn’t know what they were having. She dressed him in one when I met him for the first time.

We don’t live nearby like her parents do so we visit every 6-8weeks or so. When he was tiny she’d send us a photo every day, sometimes more. We got lots of videos too. Once he was bigger and could interact we got a FaceTime each evening just as DH would come in from work. It’s my favourite time of the day. We don’t get them Monday and Tuesday now, because she’s back at work, but we do every other day. DDIL was extremely close to her grandparents and wants the same for DGS.

I’m very close to my MIL, too. I’ve learned a lot from her. She’s never given unsolicited advice, she’s just loved my children (and me) and is a wonderful grandma, so that’s all I want to be tbh.

Keep her updated during pregnancy. Arrange a visit to meet baby soon as you are ready after the birth.

Lots of pics /updates maybe on a dh family group on WhatsApp

Let her get involved- lots of cuddles etc

You’re off to a great start, because you’re thinking about how to expand your family unit, rather than have your side and his side. I always felt included by my DiL. She sent photos of funny things and new achievements. She asked my opinion sometimes, but I didn’t offer it, unless she asked. They trusted us enough to ask us to care for their children overnight, or weekends and sometimes for longer.

My DiL and I have a profession in common, so that helped. Those babies are grown up now and more or less independent now. I enjoy spending time with them and that’s because we’ve been made to feel welcome.

I would honestly tell her what you’ve told us that you want to make sure she’s involved so please ask if she’d like to come over etc as you’ll tell her if it won’t work for you.
You can invite her over aswell when it suits and send pictures.
I wouldn’t promise anything right now as you don’t know how you’ll be feeling once baby is here and don’t worry if you do see your mum more I think it’s natural when you’ve just had a baby.
It doesn’t have to be equal to be fair

What a lovely counter-cultural post. We read so many threads where MILs just can’t even breathe right and it’s so saddening to those of us with sons…

FWIW I think your attitude is half the battle - just wanting to include her will mean the world to her. I know if my son ever has children, just having the privilege of being a part of their life would be wonderful.

One of the things I used to do to keep both sets of parents involved was to ask their advice. I never needed it, and rarely followed it, but it made them feel included and valued. It’s also quite helpful when you’re too busy be arsed with the Easter bonnet competition at school, or other creative homework projects/ boring music concerts /sports events - grandparents are brilliant for easing that pressure.

I also made sure my DC spent time with them one-to-one and would talk about them as an everyday part of the family, so that they grew to have their own individual little bonds. My DC are grown adults now and those bonds are still strong - I truly believe they’re one of the things that keep our now quite elderly parents going…having big ‘kids’ bounding in a room and giving them a hug and gently bantering with them. The beaming smiles on the parents’ faces is magic.

My MIL is the best 'quiet' support I could wish for. She has never forced herself on us or pushed her way of doing things, but has always been there to support us. And she's one of my son's favourite people in the world. He's nearly 10 now, and they've been close since he was very little.

The more I read of problematic relationships on here, the luckier I feel we are!

Maybe I'm naive, but I think if you and she both want to have a great relationship, and for her to be as involved with your child as you're both comfy with, you don't need to do anything special to make an effort. It will happen naturally, because you respect each other and both love your child.

Lovely to read a MN poster who doesn’t dislike her MIL ! My own lovely DIL handed the newborn to me as soon as I got in the room when they were home.It meant a lot. I know I’m not her mum but she does talk to me and asks my opinion.She is kind and thoughtful and prompts my son to be the same (I know she shouldn’t have to but I appreciate that she does, I acknowledge the parenting failure but he is a good husband and father so I must have done something right).

How lovely, I have a great MiL and Im so grateful.

Not sure how tech savvy she is but my MiL loved the little updates rather than big gestures but Im sure you know her well enough to know what she'd prefer. I sent pictures of baby stuff Id brought, I had an app that told me how big the baby was that week e.g. the size of a pepper, or melon etc 😂

If you can think of any small things she could help with Im sure she would enjoy that too. I asked my MiL to help choose some bits for my hospital bag for example.

Well I had a great relationship with both sets of grandparents but it was my paternal grandmother that I was closest to and just clicked with. We were just very similar and understood each other.

What a lovely post, OP!

My daughter in law is great at sending over lots of photos of our baby grandbaby, and she messsges us with updates in between visits. We’ve told her we don’t want to crowd her or outstay our welcome and I think she appreciates that. I’d say just be open in talking to each other. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled you want to include her.

When I was on maternity leave, MIL offered to watch my DD for an hour or two so I could have a break. It became a lovely weekly routine that I still look back on fondly. I'd drive to her house chat for a bit then pop out for a swim, coffee and a quiet read or even just a walk.

More often than not rather than just picking up DD and heading home I'd stay for a cuppa and a chat, often for a few hours. We got to know each other so much better in those months.

Should have said my granddaughter looks more like me than any of my boys did which always makes me smile.

As a mum of 4 boys I was in the same position as your Mil. I am also delighted that I now have lovely daughters in law. I would say just include her. Spend time with her so she sees her grandchild and when age appropriate allow her to spend time on her own with her grandchild. Make her feel trusted and honestly look at the bigger picture and don’t sweat the small stuff. My DIL is gracious enough not to get cross if I get it wrong.

Agreed. The woman who made the post you read online is not you, OP, and your MiL isn't her MiL. This internet stranger's baby has a father too, and he can take his share of responsibility for ensuring the child gets a relationship with both sets of grandparents. You're not answerable for the uncharitable sentiments of mere pixels on the www.

It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship you have with your MiL. I would love to have this. You're both very lucky.

I’m not a MIL but my MIL is amazing and from the moment I had my DC I made sure she knew she was an important person in their life. I didn’t get arsey about her holding the babies or visiting and went round lots with the baby. It’s paid off in dividends as she’s an amazing granny and our no 1 babysitter option should we ever need it. It’s a real privilege I think to watch children bond with their GPs

I am not a MIL but my MIL is a wonderful woman and I always used to open the front door with baby to hand over when she came round which I know she loved.
If you're excited to see MIL then babies and children follow your energy I think.

Once a week I would send over a selection of the pictures we had taken of them for her to see and send individual cards from the children for each birthday, Christmas and Easter.

During Maternity leave, I used to pop in with the baby at her work once a month so she got to show off her grandchildren.