Hello all,
I'd like to share my personal experience with my in-laws in the hope that it may resonate with some of you, and you might like to share your experiences.
My husband and I have been married for almost five years and get along well with each other's familiesor so I thought. My family adores my husband, and he has said how loving and welcoming they have been to him. He and my brothers are very close, and it's a joy to see their relationship.
My husband has two siblings and two children from his previous marriage. They are lovely, and we get on well. His parents are nice people; they took early retirement and live 30 miles away from us. They rarely accept our invitations to BBQs, dinners, family events, etc., because they say we live too far away. Yet, they visit my father-in-law’s mother, who lives 160 miles away, roughly every three months. In five years, they have visited us twice.
When they did visit, I felt it was palpable that they couldn't wait to leave. They weren't rude as such, but they appeared to be uncomfortable, and the Easter dinner felt very awkward. If it weren't for me and my husband making conversation, I think we would have spent most of it in silence.
My husband and I have visited them once a month, along with other local family members. The visits are painfully boring and awkward. In the five years we have been married, my in-laws have never asked me a single question. I have made an effort to get to know them, listening to them talk about themselves and others at length, but the conversation has always remained one-sided.
I'd like to think I'm reasonably good at reading a room and try not to ask too many questions or pry. But my goodness, it’s like getting blood from a stone. My view is that it's polite and actually fun to get to know others. The lack of interest and effort is, in my opinion, rude and not particularly welcoming.
My husband leaves gift-giving to me, which I take no issue with. We have 11 nieces and nephews between us, six siblings, both sets of parents, his grandparents, and his two children. We have never received anything in return from his side of the family not even a thank you.
I have always loved spending special occasions with family Christmas, Easter, birthdays, holy communions, etc. Recently, we went to my husband's cousin's wedding. It was great; they had so many friends and family, and it was lovely to see how popular and loved they are. My husband's parents had nothing positive to say about the day. The Victor Meldrew types of people drain me, and I would normally swerve them in favor of hanging out with people who are more engaging.
My brother-in-law is also pretty miserable and dysfunctional, but I've always got on well with him by finding common ground and rubbing along together well. He's unhappily married with four children and has been having an on/off affair for longer than I've been with my husband. He regularly moves out of the marital home and into his girlfriend's home, only to move back into the marital home. This cycle repeats itself a few times a year.
Recently, I messaged friends and family about a surprise party I'm throwing for my husband's birthday. When my brother-in-law's adult daughters replied, I mentioned I was looking forward to seeing them at my mother-in-law's (their grandmother's) birthday meal the following week. They had no idea about the meal and had not been invited.
My brother-in-law sent a pretty rude and angry text to my husband, asking why I was speaking to his daughters and saying that I'd 'dropped him in it.' Unbeknownst to me, my mother-in-law's birthday meal was kept hush-hush from his children so that their mother didn't get wind of it and want an invitation.
I decided not to go to my mother-in-law’s birthday meal because I've had enough of their proverbial nonsense. They make me feel like I'm too involved, unwelcome, and disliked. Which, in itself, doesn't massively bother me. I have plenty of friends and family I'd rather spend time with. I find the dynamics of my in-laws and their family completely strange.
I'd love to hear your similar experiences.
A brief caveat to add; my family has its pockets of dysfunction, and I'm no Pollyanna. I've made plenty of mistakes, as have my family members. We're all equal on this earth.